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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Tao Of Jack Bauer

1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

2. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

3. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

4. Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

5. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

8. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

9. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

11. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

12. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

13. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

14. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

15. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

16. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alerted. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

17. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*cking hates lemonade.

18. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

19. Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

20. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

21. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

22. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.

23. The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

24. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

25. No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a sentence and lived to tel...

26. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

27. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

28. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

29. The real reason the Army ditched the "Army of One"campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

30. Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.

31. Jack Bauer doesn't urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.

32. That cougar that stalked Kim was actually Jack Bauer's pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through fear.

33. The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.

34. The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

35. Chase wasn't actually in any danger from that terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand because that's how he warns all of Kim's boyfriends.

36. Jack Bauer creates an "airtight perimeter" by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line.

37. Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous penis. That's why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.

38. The reason CTU's superiors are called "Division" is because Jack Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage because they couldn't bring him a sandwich in 24 hours.

39. Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.

40. CTU stands for Jack F*cking Bauer.

41. God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.

42. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.

43. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

44. Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.

45. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

(H/T, my brother Chris. Cross-posted at Blogs4Bauer.)

Asking For Seconds

Whoo hoo! I took second place in GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest! Hopefully, this gets me out of my creative rut, since I haven't placed higher than fifth in weeks.

The Name Is "Dumas"

The cops in my division really know their stuff. And better yet, they know when a toad is full of poop. Such was the case last night, when two officers brought me a doozy of a case. They’re driving down the street at 7pm, when they approach a car with no rear lights. Naturally, they pull the vehicle over, and walk up to the toad, er, good citizen. Mr. Dumbass tells the officers he doesn’t have his ID with him. Right.

Mr. Dumbass gives the officer his date of birth, and the toad is run through the NCIC-PCIC system. Unfortunately for Mr. Dumbass, he comes back with two scofflaw warrants, totaling twelve unpaid moving violations. Mr. Dumbass is arrested, and his car is impounded.

The officers take Mr. Dumbass to the detective division, where they find his wallet in his back jeans pocket. (Remember that he said he didn’t have any ID on him.) Inside the wallet, the officers find two PA driver’s licenses, one Social Security card, and one Welfare card (of course). That’s FOUR pieces of ID for those of you in Rio Linda.

Here’s where it gets good. The two driver’s licenses have different ID numbers and different social security numbers. The social security card and the welfare card have different social security numbers. When I checked BMV, Mr. Dumbass had a THIRD driver’s license, all with different numbers. In total, Mr. Dumbass possessed three different license numbers, two different social security numbers, four addresses, and three different spellings for his name.

When he was told he was arrested for False ID to Police, a misdemeanor, he couldn’t understand why.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; dumb people are a police officer’s job security.

Idiocy: It's Not Just For Criminals Anymore

Of course, it’s not just the toads with the stupid gene. Sometimes, a police officer’s brain stops firing on all cylinders. Last night, an officer came into the division with a robbery report. There was an arrest on the job, and a victim outside to be interviewed. The officer hands the report to the deskman, who notices that the victim’s name is simply “Miss Kim.” There is nothing more, and the district control number is missing from the report. When we asked the officer if “Miss” was the victim’s first name, he said he didn’t know. When we followed up with the question, “What is her last name?” the officer said, “I didn’t get it. That’s your job.” The officer then walked away.

Great, now I have to bring my duct tape to work, too.

Hill And Ted's Excellent Adventure

Ted Kennedy should stop pontificating about the Alito confirmation. In yesterday’s speech/rant/hangover, Teddy stated the following about the “opposition” (which either means the Republicans or MADD):

“[They will shout] ‘Pop the champagne! We pulled one over on them!’”

Should Ted Kennedy really be using alcohol-related figures of speech?

Monday, January 30, 2006

It's Funny 'Cause She's A Bitch

I'm still having giggle fits after reading about this America Hater's "troubles."

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow signed to become a spokesmodel for cosmetics company Estee Lauder, because she was desperate for cash.

(Is she really attractive enough to be a spokesperson for Estee Lauder?)

The "Slyvia" star shocked fans when she agreed to front a high profile advertising campaign, but she insists it was her first paycheck in three years.

("Sylvia?" Did anyone see this rubbish?)

She says, "I'll tell you why. I basically stopped making money from acting in 2002. All the things I've done since then have been things I've really wanted to do and I have not made money from them."

(What the hell is she talking about? You mean to tell me she can't put her kids through college with the box office receipts from "Duets?" Jackass.)

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Happy New Year!

Well, Chinese New Year, anyway.

Welcome to the Year of the Dog. I know Brian is excited.

"I Also Like To Live Dangerously"

Well, that was damned fun.

Last night, my uncle had my brother, sister and cousins over for a "Casino Night." Much like everything else he does, my Uncle Ray pulls out all the stops for get-togethers. In this case, he recently purchased a combination roulette/craps table, a blackjack table, and a suitcase full of chips. Now, I'm no James Bond, but I have played craps before, and can hold my own in blackjack. Roulette is fairly easy . . . but I didn't have a clue how to play Texas Hold 'Em.

Yeah, yeah, I know. ESPN (and every other damned station) televise this stuff, but I was never all that interested. Add to that the fact that I haven't played poker since I was in high school, and I looked like the biggest loser in the room. Thankfully, my Uncle Ray and my brother Chris enlightened me - plus Chris told me to check out Party Poker online. Soon, I was ready to go.

At the beginning of the night, Ray gave everyone (13 of us) $460 worth of chips. We weren't playing for any real money, since it was the first time, but Chris, his wife Kim, my sister Allison and I all ponied up a $5 pot for whomever had the most chips at the end of the evening. We started with roulette, and I came out about even. After that we moved on to blackjack - where I got my ass handed to me. How many times can the dealer (Uncle Ray) draw a 20 or better???

My brother was making stupid bets . . . and winning on them. A short while later, we started playing craps, and Chris kept making stupid bets . . . and winning! I, on the other hand, was making safe bets . . . and losing my shirt. By the time we started playing Texas Hold 'Em, I was down $200. Nice.

About seven of us were playing Hold 'Em, and my 20-year old sister was cleaning house. I won a few hands by bluffing - I am a compulsive liar, so this game played to my strengths! - but lost more than I won. All in all it was a lot of fun, but I need a lot more practice.

When we tallied up the scores, I ended the night with $149 of my original $460; Allison finished with about $300, Kim finished with a little over $600, and my jackass brother won the pot with his $1,310. Crap.

Next time, I'll be ready for him.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

An Awful Anniversary

Twenty years ago today, the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded shortly after takeoff, killing all aboard.

"I'll Take The Blood Pudding Value Meal . . ."

From The Drudge Report and The Times Online:

The Prince of Wales warned the British people last night that they were in danger of becoming as obese as many Americans because they did not walk or cycle enough.

The Prince, who has a fleet of chauffeur-driven cars and has rarely if ever been seen in public on the saddle of a bike, said: “We are perhaps not very far behind our American cousins in the ‘super-sizing epidemic’.”

Curiously, Charles had little to say about his "super-sized" ears, or the growing epidemic of ugly British women . . .

Friday, January 27, 2006

People I Hate (24 Edition)

Edgar Stiles

CTU’s calorically-challenged chimpanzee would have been fired from a real government position years ago. Of course, if he worked in Philadelphia, he would be mayor by now. At one moment, Edgar is tracking Islamo-fascist terrorists. The next moment, he is whimpering like a Dr. Phil guest about his multitude of personal, psychological, and pasta problems. Like Terrell Owens, Edgar is pretty talented when he is focused on his game. Unfortunately, like Terrell Owens, Edgar is a major head case. He is a true enigma: a mystery, wrapped inside a riddle, wrapped inside a Twinkie.

Audrey Raines

Jack Bauer’s love interest from last season has got a terrific body, but as my friend Brian would say, “She’s beat in the face.” Combine that with her piss-poor disposition, and her catty attitude toward Diana (Jack’s gal pal this season), and you have the makings of a first-rate bitch. Don’t cry for Jack, Audrey-tina; you had your chance.

CTU Security

These flunkies are a prime example of how far one can get with a GED. On their watch the wife of a murdered agent shot and killed terrorist Stephen Saunders; Nina Meyers held Kim Bauer hostage inside a computer room; and an inept hit man murdered a clinic doctor and tried to kill Jack. These buffoons are about as aware of their surroundings as the “stunned” sheriff who led Oswald to Jack Ruby. And who designed the uniforms? Red shirts? Do these people double as bartenders?

(Cross-posted on Blogs4Bauer.)

Miracle On Ice

As in, “It’s a miracle I didn’t keel over after the month-long break.” My first game back with the X-Men was an exercise in futility. We faced the top-ranked Battalion, and victory (for them) was all but assured after their two quick goals in four minutes. You know the team is suffering from bad karma when, after my first shift, I went to wipe the ice shavings from my skate blade, and I sliced my left index finger. The rest of my time on the bench was spent trying to stop the bleeding.

I’m not sure if it was the frustration or the blood loss, but the rest of the game was a blur. We were outplayed from pillar to post, and lost by a final of 11-4. And speaking of bad karma, our next is scheduled for Sunday, February 5th – which happens to be Super Bowl Sundayat 7:30PM!!! If any player from either team shows up for that one, that team can gladly have the forfeit.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Frequent Flyers

So, last night I got the chance to attend the Philadelphia Flyers/Montreal Canadiens game with my friend Chris, his brother Kevin, and their nephew Ryan. Since Flyers tickets are ridiculously expensive, this was my first time there since '03. As luck would have it, my former corporal's husband works security at the Wachovia Center, and there was a chance we could go downstairs and meet the players. Keen!

The seats were good; second level, third row, and the Flyers scored immediately. Montreal is not a terrific team by any means, so we were already doing "the robot" in our seats. There was much joy in Mudville.

Until the second period.

Out of nowhere, the Canadiens' Jan Friggin' Bulis went all Gretzky on our ass. He scored four straight goals, and the home team eventually lost, 5-3. Flyers' goaltender Robert Esche couldn't save coupons, and the four of us were calling for the team's collective hanging. Of course, when we went downstairs to the locker room area, we became big-time hypocrites.

Every player who gave us the time of day was the best ever, and my friend Kevin got Esche's autograph on his jersey. Nice. I let my friends up front, since I had the privilege to be down there once before - as long as I got to see Sami Kapanen and Michael Handzus. Kapanen is a short, swift, hard-hitting Swede, who always gives 100%. I love watching the guy play. Handzus is a fellow Slovak, and I was hoping he would autograph my Team Slovakia cap.

Handzus came out first, and immediately signed my cap, adding, "Nice hat!" He was very pleasant considering the team played so poorly. A few minutes later, Kapanen came by, and Ryan asked if he could get his picture with me. Sami said, "Sure." (See below pic.)

All in all, it was a damned cool night.

My friend Chris (left), Me, & Sami Kapanen (right).

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

E-Ring: The "E" Stands For Excruciating!

This politically correct nonsense is out of control.

It was bad enough last year when Keifer Sutherland constantly reminded us that not all Muslims were terrorists. And, as The Man pointed out, 24 is airing no such disclaimer about people from the Balkan republics.

Tonight, NBC's E-Ring - Garfield Ridge's favorite show about The Pentagon - is taking on an issue we see every day in today's world; radical CHRISTIANS taking a Detroit mosque hostage. Yeah, I know, this scenario is so cliche. Just last night I saw a story on Fox News about militant Catholics wearing explosive vests, kidnapping an al Jazeera journalist, and holding him for ransom.

I always knew this man couldn't be trusted . . .

Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead?

Here's good news worthy of a Geico commercial: a recent Gallup poll found that 51% of the respondents "would definitely not" vote for Hillary Clinton for President.

Is America finally coming to its senses?

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Duct (Tape) Tales

Just when you thought it was safe to unwrap your head . . .

Plans are in the works to "reunite" Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco with "Long Island Lolita" Amy Fisher for a televised reality special. You may remember, but don't care, that Fisher shot Mary Jo in the face after having an affair with Joey. Unfortunately, the bullet didn't fix Mary Jo's horrific "Lawng Ayyyyyland" accent. Producers wouldn't comment whether metal detectors would be placed in the studio. (H/T, The New York Post)

Paris Hilton told The London Sun that she will not pose for Playboy. Thump! (Sorry, that was me hitting the floor.) Hilton "claims" that the magazine is very interested in her posing nude. Like that hasn't been done to death. "They've asked me a million times," the tramp said. "I'll never do it. Why? Because I'm Paris Hilton." Paris didn't add the fact that the entire planet already saw her nether-regions in action on her pornographic home video.

Janet Jackson has allegedly gained more than forty pounds recently, weighing in at a cool 160. It's much more acceptable when a normal woman gains some weight, but what's your excuse when you have nothing to do all day, and can easily afford a personal trainer? It looks like Janet's next "wardrobe malfunction" will involve a popped button and a lost eye!

After promoting Heather Graham's new series (Emily's Reason's Why Not) ad nauseum, the rocket scientists at ABC cancelled the show after only one episode! "It was not going to get better," one exec said, "and we had to make a change." Can network bigwigs be sued for malpractice?

Stupid Questions

Now that I'm re-certified in CPR and Rescue Breathing, do you think I can help the Indianapolis Colts with their choking problem?

If the Senate is simply going to vote along party lines in the Judge Alito confirmation - as expected - what was the point of the hearings?

Would New Orleans mayor/boob Ray Nagin mind if Emeril Lagasse relocated his lucrative businesses out of the "Chocolate City?"

Ladies, is Apollo (Jamie Bamber, pictured) enough incentive to begin watching Battlestar Galactica?

Monday, January 23, 2006

Deja Vu All Over Again

Today was the first of four straight days of annual training. Every year, police officers must be re-certified by the Pennsylvania MPOETC (Don't ask!). Even though I spent three weeks in this classroom last month (for promotional training), I'm stuck here again. I couldn't tell you what I learned during the eight-hour classes, so I'll tell you ten things that popped into my mind while I was bored:

10. "Must . . . stay . . . awake!"
9. "There's not one single attractive female in this entire class."
8. "I wonder what Uber is wearing today?"
7. "I have NO ideas for a post today. Oh, screw it, I'll just pump out another Top Ten List."
6. "Jesus, it's only 10:30!!!"
5. "I wonder what Peakah's gambling losses were last year?"
4. "Is Wilfred Brimley still alive, or is he dead?"
3. "Why do some people like white chocolate?"
2. "Would anyone read a blog about Battlestar Galactica? How does Blogs4Boomer sound?"
1. "I wonder who would win a gunfight between Dr. Phat Tony, CUG, and Tyler D.?"

Kobe: High On The Hog

Sports pages across the country are kissing the tushie of Los Angeles Lakers power groper Kobe Bryant today, after the former defendant scored 81 points against the Toronto Raptors. It was the second-highest point total in NBA history, behind another infamous "hands-on" player, Wilt Chamberlain.

Whee!

Somewhat lost in this story is the fact that Bryant took 46 shots! The next closest "teammate" took eleven shots and scored thirteen points. Bryant played for 42 minutes, which means he averaged more than one shot every sixty seconds. Now, how difficult a feat is Kobe's accomplishment, really?

Congratulations Kobe, you have redefined the term "Ball Hog!"

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Michael Schiavo: Scumbag Extraordinairre

He barely waited until Terri's body was cold:

SAFETY HARBOR, Fla. - Michael Schiavo, whose brain-damaged wife was at the center of a contentious end-of-life battle that played out on a worldwide media stage, has remarried, family members said.

Schiavo married his longtime girlfriend Jodi Centonze on Saturday in a private church ceremony, said John Centonze, the brother of the bride.

Schiavo's former wife, Terri, died in March after her feeding tube was removed. She had suffered irreversible brain damage after collapsing at age 26 in 1990.

How ironic is it that Schiavo remarried in a place called "Safety Harbor?" I believe there is a special place in hell awaiting a guy with stones this big.

Saddle Up!

Well, there's good news and bad news. The good news is that my Denver Broncos are playing for a chance to go to Super Bowl XL at 3pm today. The Broncos will face a very good Pittsburgh Steelers team, and a win will be a hard-tough one.

The bad news is that if the Broncos win today, I'll probably miss the entire Super Bowl. Since the NFL season lasts about as long as a baseball season anymore, the big game isn't until February 5th, and I'll be working 4pm X 12am. Even if there were a television in our squad room, I'd most likely be too busy to watch the game. Damn.

SYLG is still rooting hard for Denver today, and if they win, I'll just have to set up the TiVo. Go Broncos!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

This Day In History

When I logged on today, I saw this little interesting tidbit on my PeoplePC home page:

1998 - President Bill Clinton angrily denied reports he'd had an affair with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky and had tried to get her to lie about it.

"Angrily denied." And rightfully so, since he was proven to be completely innocent, and . . .

Oh, never mind.

BSG: Bloody Stinking Good!

Cylons? Yeah, I guess they have some good ideas.

Shift work makes it difficult to immediately post about my favorite television programs. My friend Bill's procrastination in getting cable/satellite makes it even more difficult. Tonight is one of the rare exceptions when I can post within hours after the broadcast - and I'm not waiting on Bill any longer. If Battlestar Galactica is to become a hit with SYLG readers, I need to post about it a helluva lot more often. Hell, maybe I can even beat Dave to the punch.

Spoiler alert! If you haven't seen this week's show, read on at your own risk:

When we last left our heroes, the delicious cylon #6 shot Admiral Cain in the head, cylon Boomer is still preggers with Helo's human/cylon love child, and Adama still hasn't smiled. This week's stellar episode (pun intended) featured a dying President and sabotage by cylon sympathizers.

I won't ruin the episode for those who haven't yet seen it, but I did want to mention the not-so-subtle references in this episode to the controversy surrounding the War on Terror. Cylon sympathizers sabotage the vipers' weapons systems in an attempt to destabilize the military and sue for peace with the "tin cans." When the saboteur is exposed, Adama learns that the "peaceniks" are more numerous than anyone thought. One thing leads to another, and a tylium refinery is destroyed in the name of "peace."

The writers show the dichotomy between the military's "lock them away and/or beat them silly" position and the peace activists' "by any means necessary" mantra. The message, while obvious, was not preachy, which is the last thing I want from BSG. Instead, the episode showed the good and bad of both sides, and ultimately the compassion of (get this) the sitting President. Nice.

Friday, January 20, 2006

People I Hate

It is Friday again, kids, which means it’s time for another explosive edition of People I Hate. Fasten your seat belts.

Drivers Who Refuse To Use Turn Signals

There’s nothing more infuriating than driving to work behind an idiot. Traffic is moving along, and you think you may actually be early for a change. Then, BAM! The jackass stops in the middle of the lane. You slam on the brakes and use some questionable vocabulary, only to see the idiot finally put on his turn signal. It’s duct tape time.

Look, it’s not difficult. When you approach the street you want to turn onto, activate the turn signal. It’s right there on the steering column, you frakking moron!!!

The “Creative” Forces Behind Reality Shows

Skating with the Stars? Trading Spouses?? Are you kidding??? Who thinks that people would sit through this garbage? The Fox network is by far the most heinous offender, starting with the mother of all crappy reality shows, American Idol. Now, everywhere you turn, some loser is popping out another piece of poo, hell bent on sucking audiences in. And the most amazing thing to me is that people are watching . . . even in my own home. To give you and idea of the Earp dynamic, the other day I was downstairs watching The History Channel’s week-long series on the Presidents, and upstairs the missus was watching Hogan Knows Best. Good grief!

The David Lee Roth Show

Okay, I admit it; I was a Howard Stern fan. Not a big enough fan to pay to hear his show, but I was a fan nonetheless. When he jumped to satellite, I figured I would at least give his replacement, David Lee Roth, a chance. I mean, I was a huge fan of Van Halen, so how bad could Roth’s show be?

The short answer is awful.

Roth is like a deer in the headlights when he’s on air. Stream-of-consciousness thinking is okay when you’re Robin Williams. When you’re David Lee Roth, it’s annoying rambling at best. I don’t hate Roth per se, but his show is absolutely brutal. I want to wake up in the morning, not be lulled back to sleep. I realize that the show is still in its infancy, but unless Roth comes up with either better stories or better guests, he’s going to be standing next to Tonya Harding in the unemployment line.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Osama bin Laden: Pussy

When I heard about this story, I immediately thought of the opening scene in "Spies Like Us:"

Col. Rhumbus: "Listen, it's my job to get you prepared to go out into the field for combat. Now, I must know right away what I have to work with. I have made my decision."

Emmett Fitz-Hume: "What's it say?"

Austin Millbarge: "Pussy."

WASHINGTON - The United States dismissed on Thursday a conditional truce offered in a tape attributed to Osama bin Laden and said it "does not negotiate with terrorists."

Yeah, you know why he wants a truce? Because the United States and her allies are kicking al Qaeda's ass, that's why! Say what you want about the current administration, but I don't remember bin Laden offering any truces during the Clinton Administration. I guess the War on Terror is working after all.

Yet Another Top Ten List

A guy hears a lot of crazy stuff working in a detective division. In only three weeks, I think I’ve heard it all. Here’s a sampling of some of the wackier sound bites – the detectives are the even numbered quotes and the toads are the odd.

Top Ten Things Overheard In My Detective Division

10. “Who’s the nerd with the MacGyver ring tone?

9. “I didn’t do it.”

8. “Nice Winnie the Pooh tie, Wyatt.”

7. “My lawyer’s gonna sue your ass.”

6. “If you always have paperwork in your hand, the bosses will think you’re busy.”

5. “Those aren’t my drugs/guns/kids.”

4. “So, ma’am, you have no idea who broke down your door, assaulted your sister, and took the boat load of weed from your safe?

3. “I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, and someone shot me.”

2. “Oops. I forgot my gun.”

And the number one thing overheard in my detective division . . .

1. “I need a pregnancy test and an AIDS test.” (Was there ever any doubt?)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Stupid Questions

In a city where almost everything is named after Benjamin Franklin, is it really necessary for uber-corrupt mayor John Street to push for the renaming of 30th Street Station to Franklin Station?

How the hell can Hillary Clinton compare the House of Representatives to life on “the plantation?” Refresh my memory. Did she grow up in a life of slavery . . . or a life of privilege?

Should I be worried that my five-year old’s two favorite shows are SpongeBob SquarePants and American Chopper?

Since Blogs4Bauer is such a huge success – over 500 hits yesterday – how come SYLG isn’t getting any of that runoff? I’m still struggling to get 100 hits a day!

Maybe Rebecca Gayheart Can Host The Oscars

Don’t look now, ladies and gentlemen, but Hollywood is looking to push another agenda with its award shows. A few years ago, the Oscars celebrated African-American actors, and awarded the Best Actor and Actress awards to Denzel Washington and Halle Berry respectively. The winners were puzzling, since Washington’s Training Day was not nominated for any other categories, nor was Berry’s Monster’s Ball. (For the record, I loved Washington in Training Day, but Berry did little more than boink Billy Bob Thornton in Monster’s Ball – although that in itself deserves an Oscar.)

This year, alternative lifestyles appear to be the cause of the day. Brokeback Mountain, Peakah’s favorite film about gay cowboys, and Trans-America, where Felicity Huffman plays a trans-gender character, took home most of the prizes at this year’s Golden Globes. It is widely speculated that these films will also bring home Oscars this year.

Here’s my problem with these trends: the Academy Awards should be giving out Oscars based solely on performance, not some liberal agenda. To date, Trans-America has made less than one million dollars at the box office. Box office does not translate into Oscar gold, but how can Huffman be considered for Best Actress if no one has seen the film? The same holds true for Brokeback Mountain. While it has bigger box office returns than Trans-America, the film has done poorly considering its wide release.

If the critics are doling out awards for these films because they truly believe they are the best Hollywood has put forth this year, that’s fine. However, I think that by awarding Trans-America and Brokeback Mountain - despite their less than stellar box office - in the same year is one hell of a coincidence.

It just screams “liberal agenda” to me.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Caption Me Thankful

Hey, I took 3rd Place in GOP and College’s Caption Contest, and 5th Place in GOP and the City’s Weekend Caption Contest! Two top fives, and my first hate mail??? It’s already been one hell of a week!

Land Of The Lost

Well, that didn’t take long.

It’s been a mere three weeks in the new place, and I’ve already had my first major scare. On Friday, a missing juvenile report comes across my desk. Usually, the kiddies return home after a few hours, safe and sound. I make a few phone calls, and bada-bing, bada-boom, everyone’s happy. On Friday night, the juvenile’s mother called the division begging to speak with me. She wanted to know the status of the case: now a mere hour old. I understood her concern – if it was my child, I would be going out of my mind – but give me some time to check everything out! I told her that if I heard anything, I would call her immediately.

On Saturday, night, mom called again . . . three times. She was borderline hysterical, and wanted something done. I explained that I was doing everything possible to find her daughter, and double-checked that the NCIC-PCIC message was sent. A short time later she called again, and asked if she could post fliers in the neighborhood. I told her of course that would be acceptable.

Sunday was my day off, and as I was preparing to welcome the family for Kyle’s birthday dinner, I get the call. It was the division, and they wanted my file. I asked my co-worker, “What’s the problem?” He said, “That missing juvie still hasn’t come home, and we think something bad happened to her.”

Oh, crap.

I spent the rest of my days off worried sick; partly for the girl’s well being, and partly for my career. If she turned up dead, I was sure someone would accuse me of not doing enough to save her. Sleep didn’t come easy. This morning, I cautiously walked into the squad room, and made a beeline to the lieutenant’s office. I asked him, “Am I fired yet?” He looked at me quizzically, and said, “Oh, you mean that missing person job?” I said, “Uh-huh,” and he smiled, saying, “They found her at her godmother’s house. She spent the weekend having sex with her boyfriend.”

Now, where did I put that duct tape?

Monday, January 16, 2006

Hughes Gets The Screws

Yeah, it's figure skating, but this is absolute bulls**t! Read on:

The U.S. Figure Skating International Committee announced today the nomination of Sasha Cohen, Kimmie Meissner, and Michele Kwan to the 2006 United States Olympic Team, pending USOC approval. Cohen and Meissner placed first and second at the 2006 State Farm U.S. Figure Skating Championships in St. Louis, Mo., respectively.

“The International Committee considered all of the relevant information and picked the best possible U.S. Olympic Team to represent the United States in Torino,” International Committee Chair Bob Horen said. “We believe that Sasha, Kimmie and Michelle will compete in a manner that will make our country proud.”

Cohen won her first U.S. title at the 2006 State Farm U.S. Figure Skating Championships Saturday night.

Meissner finished second at the 2006 U.S. Championships, her best placement at the event. “It's just crazy,” said Meissner about earning an Olympic Team berth. “I've been dreaming about this for a very long time. It's just awesome.

**Kwan submitted a petition in accordance with the 2006 U.S. Olympic Athlete Selection Procedures to request the nomination, as she was unable to compete at the event due to injury.**

So, Michelle Kwan wants to go to the Olympics again, and even though she couldn't compete in the Championships, the Olympic Committee puts her on the team - ousting third place finisher Emily Hughes (pictured)??? These clods should get a toe pick to the groin. OSOC? More like U-SUC.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

One of the truly great men of American history.

I wonder what Dr. King would think of some of the people who claim to have taken up his fight for equality? Would he really want "ministers" like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton speaking for him? Somehow, I doubt it.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

My First Hate Mail!!!

Take a moment and read this little gem from a huge fan from across the pond. This guy is terrific! I wish my posts were half as funny.

"I find myself in total agreement with all that you say. I am British and I am proud of my nation. Like your country Britain has its left-wing traitors, these people should be put to the sword. Indeed, if Britain had not been betrayed by liberal elements in the 1770's, it is likely that our great country would still control Northern America and people such as yourself.

I am a born-again Christian and I firmly believe that Jesus was a extreme right-winger. Those liberals who tell us to read the sermon on the mount are liars. The sermon on the mount was falsely placed in the bible some Lilly-livered 1st century radical who stupidly believed that all men and women were born equal. These idiots have been around for centuries-we have to eliminate them with our sidearms.

In this country, as in yours, there are too many liberal newspapers. As many as 2 newspapers out of 11 are liberal; this is too many. I watch Fox News on my television and it is far too liberal. I think you should do something about it.

I am currently campaigning for the arming, with heavy guns, of all our citizens so that we can catch up with murder rate. I cannot tolerate being behind you Americans. I am in total agreement with those neo-fascist Christians in your country who suggest that the end of the world is coming shortly. Indeed, it can be said with certainty that all intelligent life has disappeared on the fascist right, the slot that you so clearly belong to. Hitler would be proud of you.

Yours, Seanus Liberatus"

(His real name allegedly is Sean Connor, according to his e-mail address: sean.connor@amserve.com.)

This would have been posted sooner, but my spell-check imploded after running through Sean's e-mail. Atrocious spelling, no space between words, and the requisite Hitler reference make for delicate proofreading. I responded to this simpleton, but I wanted to reiterate something that a lot of people still don't understand: my e-mail address is rightwing24@peoplepc.com. This has nothing to do with my political views, since 1. I rarely post about politics anymore, and 2. I am more of a Libertarian than a "neo-fascist."

The e-mail address is the position I play in ice hockey, and my uniform number. I know I explained this dozens of times, but I guess it takes longer for word to spread across the Atlantic.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Friday, January 13, 2006

Happy 5th Birthday, Kyle!

My oldest son. The coolest kid in the world.

People I Hate

I was meaning to tell everyone that PIH would be a regular Friday feature, but since I forgot about it last week . . . Anyway, barring any senior moments, PIH will appear every Friday from now on. Or at least until you tell me it sucks.

Michael Smerconish

Yeah, yeah, I know I lambasted him last week, but he keeps doing things that make me run screaming for the duct tape. Earlier this week, Smerconish was broadcasting from “Senator” Arlen Specter’s office during the Alito confirmation hearings. I guess we can throw his impartiality out the window. And that’s a shame, since Specter is an ultra-liberal in wrinkled sheep’s clothing. Specter ripped Teddy *hic* Kennedy the other day, and rightly so, but the Cancer Man has let the hearings turn into a three-ring circus on his watch. Of course, don’t tell that to Smerconish, who is a charter member of the “Arlen Specter Can Do No Wrong” Club. From now on, I’m listening to Bill Bennett in the morning.

Judge Edward Cashman

Forget about President Bush; when are we going to impeach this disgrace? After the conviction of a child rapist – who had been sexually assaulting the victim over a period of four years – this “judge” sentenced the piece of detritus to sixty days in prison. Judge Cashman, who obviously has drank one too many carafes of maple syrup (Yeah! A Super Troopers reference!), decided on his own that punishment is not the answer. The laughable sentence was explained away when he decreed that the rapist would not get the treatment he needs sitting in a cell. Why not just give him the key to the city? I wonder if the judge will let this rapist date his daughter?

Acting New Jersey Governor Richard “Dick” Codey

And you thought the patronage ended when Jim “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That” McGreevy left office. Silly humans. Codey, who leaves office in a matter of days intends to sign a bill, which would prohibit smoking in all public buildings. Great idea, right? Read the fine print. The bill would include every bar, restaurant, and small business in the state, except for the Atlantic City casinos! Sonny Steelgrave would be proud. Codey is, in effect, giving his constituents the finger as his last official action. Nice guy.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Stinking On Ice

Boy, am I glad I had to work late last night.

After working our way back to semi-respectability, the X-Men got smeared last night, losing 8-1 to the Bad Land Boys. My friend Chris said only nine guys showed up . . . and none of them played well. Ugh. Our next game is Monday, January 23rd against the Ice Bandits. I'll be there.

Hopefully, we'll get some payback.

Wyatt Earp: King Of The Cluster-Frak

It is usually desirable to find a niche when you start a new job. A specialty, if you will. After three weeks as a “Big City Detective,” I think I have found mine: last-minute cluster-frak jobs. If a complicated, politically-sensitive, racially-charged, cesspool of a job comes into my detective division at the very end of the day, odds are that it is gonna be assigned to me.

My cluster-fraks fall into one of two categories: the b.s. job that even Perry Mason couldn’t solve - with the victim that demands instant justice (with extreme prejudice) and daily progress reports by phone; or the simple argument that suddenly turns into a robbery, an aggravated assault, and a stolen car that gets involved in a police pursuit. There is no middle ground. It has gotten so bad that when one of these jobs comes in, my squad yells, “Hey, give it to Earp!

Last Saturday night, I didn’t get out of work until 0130, and Tuesday night, I didn’t get out until 0200. (I am usually done at midnight.) So far, I have made more overtime working in the office than I have in court. Not that I’m knocking the extra money . . .

My biggest cluster-frak so far has been a robbery. Two bad guys (one is a juvenile) enter an elderly man’s home (burglary), take his car keys (theft), push him out of the way while they flee the house (assault), and steal the man’s car (theft of auto). A while later, they see the man’s son on the street, and take off, blowing a red light and t-boning a minivan (aggravated assault). The two bad guys jump out of the car and run, but the man’s son catches the adult, who is arrested. The juvenile gets away, and now I have to get a warrant.

See what I mean? Calgon, take me away!

20,000!

Finnish hockey god Jari Kurri

SYLG recorded visitor number 20,000 early Wednesday morning. The person who posted the lucky number logged on from the Tampere University of Technology in FINLAND!!! How ironic that the hit comes from an ice hockey powerhouse. Once again, thank you all for the continued support, and I’ll try my best to keep bringing the funny. (Or at least give you a few minutes respite from doing some actual work!)

Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go back to playing Driver 3 for PlayStation 2.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Duke Nukem

And I ran . . . I ran so far away” – A Flock of Seagulls

Here’s a proposition for any 2008 Presidential Candidate: write a five hundred word essay explaining, in detail, what you plan to do with the escalating Iran crisis. Since neither Democrats nor Republicans seem to be too “Bully for Bush” at the moment, this is your chance to lay out your foreign policy agenda. Go ahead, enlighten us with your massive brain matter and show the American people how better a job you would do than the current administration. I dare you.

In between playing PlayStation 2 and watching American Chopper, I saw an interesting story on Fox News which explained what the hell is happening in Tehran. Not only are they going forward with their nuclear energy plans, but they are also now looking into fiddling around with plutonium. Long story short: they are intent on initiating a nuclear weapons program.

Okay, dear candidates, this may not be of the utmost importance to the good old U.S.A. right now, but considering Iran’s new president was a major player in the Iran Hostage incident of 1979, and a vocal supporter of the destruction of Israel, how long do you think it’ll take him to turn his guns on us? Many of you have criticized President Bush for initiating a War on Terror, as well as his decision to invade Iraq and Afghanistan. Now we’re dealing with a madman who has promised to wipe Israel off the face of the earth.

Pop quiz, hotshots: you have a madman with nuclear capability and an itchy trigger finger. What do you do? What do you do?

Have your essays on my desk first thing in the morning.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Stupid Questions

How come Judge Alito can be held accountable for something he has said or written twenty years ago, but Teddy *hic* Kennedy, Joe “Plagiarism” Biden, and Arlen “Magic Bullet” Specter cannot?

How come steroid-injecting thugs like Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmiero are being considered for the Baseball Hall of Fame, but Pete “Put A Sawbuck Against The Reds” Rose is not?

Does anybody remember “The Equalizer?” God, that show was terrific!

When are we gonna wise up and nuke Iran?

Odds And Ends

Just a few things running around my train wreck of a mind . . .

I didn't bore you with the details, but our hockey team won on Sunday night, 7-4. The win puts us in a tie for third place. Our next game is Wednesday night. Giddyup!

Battlestar Galactica kicked arse this week! I watched it tonight - courtesy of TiVo - with my friend Bill. This show is running on all cylinders. I don't even mind that they gave us the screw-gee with a "to be continued." I'll be there next Friday night, front and center.

As I lay typing, I am watching The Shield. How did this great show fly under my radar? Michael Chiklis deserves every Emmy he gets.

SYLG is only about 100 visits away from number 20,000. Thank you all!

Monday, January 09, 2006

A Few Words On The Alito Hearings

Here are a few things to remember during all of the rhetoric spewed during the Samuel Alito Confirmation Hearings:

Senator Edward "Teddy Drunxspin" Kennedy has been quite vocal about his opposition to Alito's confirmation. And why not, since his character is above reproach. Oh, by the way, Teddy, be careful not to rush home after today's hearings; you may cause an accident:

West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd has turned the phrase "filibuster" into a catch phrase of late, and has vowed to block the Bush appointment at every turn. Good for you, Robert. I know you are getting up there in age, so don't forget to wear your hat; it's cold out there!

Senator Hillary "The Hildebeast" Clinton is sure to jump on the "Alito is not neat-o" bandwagon. Here's a little fashion advice for you: try and not to wear a blue dress. They stain easily.

There's Something About Kate

Here's a prescription for film success:

1. Hire a super-hot English babe to play the lead.

2. Mix in generous portions of a leather bodysuit.

3. Stir well.

4. Pour into Wyatt's lap.

Underworld: Evolution, starring the lovely Kate Beckinsale, opens in theaters on January 20th. (And there is absolutely no ulterior motive concerning this picture, and my desire for more visitors.)

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Homicide: Life On The Street

If you printed out yesterday's blog, keep it; it will be a collector's item. For the first time since SYLG was created, I did not post yesterday. The streak is over. The king is dead. In my defense, work has been mondo-busy this week, and last night was the icing on the cake. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you . . . my first substantial detective story.

Yesterday was my last night before two glorious days off, and I was looking forward to the break. My "system" is finally clicking, and most of my cases have been either solved or filed away until I get a break. All of my pending paperwork was caught up, and I was living large. Then the call came in.

Police radio told our desk man that one of the districts had a shooting, and the victim was in a bad way. Fire department medics were working on him at the scene, but they weren't optimistic. The desk man tells me that I have the case. "Cool," I say to myself, "My first shooting." As I'm getting ready to go out to the scene, radio calls again: my job is now a homicide. Now I'm thinking, "Crap. Homicide Division is getting this one."

In a homicide, the divisional detectives go to the scene, and pretty much keep things under control until the guys with the expensive suits and the fedoras come out. My sergeant, two other detectives and I grab some cars and go to the crime scene.

The scene was straight out of a Law & Order episode. (Don't ask me which one, since there are about 200 L&O series now.) The street was almost completely dark, and lined with vacant warehouses on each side. Ironically, a church was at the end of the block on the other side of the intersection. The closest homes were over a block away. In short, it was the perfect place for a murder. (I'll have to remember that the next time Linda gives me grief. Just kidding, Lin!)

The uniforms greet us and take us to the body. It looked like he was shot numerous times in the torso, and there were shell casings everywhere. Somebody was pretty pissed off. We decide to canvas the neighborhood for witnesses. A futile effort at best, but we had to try. Our suspicions were confirmed when, after questioning residents of about 20 homes, "nobody saw nuthin'." Swell. When we returned to the scene, Homicide showed up and dismissed us. All in a day's work.

As we're driving back to HQ, my cell phone rings. It's the desk man. He says, "Are you almost back, because we have a robbery waiting for you up here." When it rains it pours. I didn't get out of work until 0130!

I can't imagine how busy we'll be in the summer.

"Ice" To Be Back

After a brutally long Christmas break - Yeah, I said "Christmas," ya wanna fight about it? - our hockey league gets back to business tonight. The management at the Flyers Skate Zone said that we were given a break because they didn't want to conflict with anyone's vacation plans.

As if.

I think that they gave us such a long break so I could get fatter and fatter - what with the Christmas turkey and all. Either way, I get to lace 'em up tonight, and show the world my rust. Our team (The X-Men) is currently in 4th place - out of 5 teams - but the top four make the playoffs, so we're safe for now.

Friday, January 06, 2006

It's Baaaack!

After an obscenely long break, the new season of Battlestar Galactica begins tonight (The Sci-Fi Channel, 10pm EST)! Whoo hoo! Thus, it it time once again to whore one of the best shows on television. (Hey, if Garfield Ridge can sing its praises, who cannot?)

Last season's cliffhanger included two battlestars on the brink of a civil war; two Galactica crew members about to be executed for treason; and Boomer (the hottie, pictured) still knocked up with her human/cylon love child.

In my humble opinion, BSG is one of the four best shows on television - 24, Prison Break, and Smallville are the other three. It deserves your attention.

I Rule!

Remember that guy who was crying about his promotion and saying he'd fail miserably?

Well, that guy is dead.

It's been about a week at the new assignment, and I'm slowly but Shirley getting a handle on this stuff. This detective division is still overwhelmed with jobs - I'm averaging four jobs a night - but I'm not reaching for the duct tape as often anymore. There are some questions that still need to be asked, but for the most part, I'm flying solo. Here are some of the highlights (or, lowlights) of the first week:
  • My first job ever was an Aggravated Assault/Burglary/Domestic. The victim assured me that this time she was going to press charges - after failing to appear in court the previous two times. The preliminary hearing was yesterday. She didn't show.
  • Here's one that will piss a person off: the other day an officer brought in a 10-year old girl, who was robbed by a 10-year old boy. Thankfully, the boy was arrested. TEN YEARS OLD!!! What the hell is happening to our kids?
  • A female in my squad that was in my graduating class is ready to have a nervous breakdown. She was off for the holidays last week, so yesterday was only her second real day. When I told her it gets easier, she gave me the same panicked look I gave everyone who told me that last week.

Oh, and a final note about SYLG. I am in the first of two weeks of nightwork (4p to 12a), so there are no set posting times like when I was on the graveyard shift. Also, please forgive the waning quality of my recent posts; I have been so busy, I haven't had the time to sit down and crank out some seriously funny stuff. (Like I ever did.) I briefly considered shutting down the blog, but thought better of it. Thanks again for the support.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

I'm Blind! I'm Blind!!

"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." - Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars

I have good news and bad news with regards to the whole detective thing. The good news is that I'm finally getting the hang of this stuff. I processed two arrests, and handled two investigations last night. The bad news is that I was told last night that I had court this morning at 9am. Ah, the dreaded "overnighter."

Don't get me wrong, court isn't so bad anymore. Detectives get to wear plainclothes, and today's case gave me some overtime (Cha-ching!), but I got home from work last night at 12:30am . . . just to wake up for court at 7am. Ouch.

Any hoo, everyone has to report to the courtroom by 9am at the latest; unless you're the judge, then you can appear whenever the hell you like. Today's version of Harry Stone waltzed in at 10:10am. But that's not what has me terribly vexed. What had me running out of the courtroom screaming for an airsickness bag was one of the parties in a domestic assault case.

Dig, if you will, a picture. The twenty-something Latino woman was about five feet tall, and probably weighed in at 250 pounds. This is not an exaggeration. She had shoulder-length hair that had enough grease for a lube job, and her mustache was very becoming. One would think that a woman this striking - she looked as if she had been struck many times . . . by a bus - would not flaunt her Jabba-like appearance. One would be wrong.

When she stands up for the case, she is wearing an extremely tight light blue short-sleeve belly shirt! She looked like Bruce Banner just as he is changing into The Incredible Hulk. From the sides and the back, you could see no less than three rolls: her breasts, her first belly, then her second one. It was absolutely brutal. A female officer standing next to me burst out laughing and said "You've gotta be kidding me." Even some of the fat women in the room were shaking their heads in disbelief. Did this behemoth actually think she looked good in that get-up? Hey, I'm not as thin as I was in college. As a result, I DON'T WEAR CLOTHES THAT ARE TOO SMALL! Damn!

Since I won't regain my sight anytime soon, my female readers are welcome to send pictures of themselves to my e-mail address as a cure. Come on, it's for a good cause!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Stupid Questions

How can The Philadelphia Inquirer hold its deadline until 3am for Penn State's Orange Bowl results, but still not post the late hockey scores? For those who have lives, Penn State won in triple overtime, 26-23. Damn.

Is anyone else disappointed that Donald Trump will not run for governor of New York? The Donald's election would complete the Trifecta of Idiocy in New York government.

Who is the moron who let "American Idol" also-ran Diana DeGarmo "entertain" the troops? Diana DeGarmo??? I guess Howard Dean was right . . . we are losing the war.

Why haven't you been on Uber's blog today??? I told her yesterday's post would give her traffic. Come on, people, you're making me look like a jerk!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Traffic Jam

In the never-ending quest for more traffic, I wanted to let everyone know that I placed 5th in GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest. The winning entries can be found here. And, while we're at it, I figure Uber's photo wearing Dr. Phat Tony's swag should be good for another 100 hits . . . Heh.

(Oh, come on, guys! You're just mad you didn't think of it first!)

Willll-burrrr!

Just when you thought it was safe to enter the voting booth . . . heeerrreee's Johnny! That's right kids, Massachusetts senator and horse-faced jackass John Kerry is taking another shot at the Presidency. Kerry (shown at left with grinning running mate John Edwards) has notified his supporters - does he have any left? - that he intends to run again in 2008.

Okay, deep breath.

First of all, the only reason anyone voted for Kerry in '04 was because they hated George Bush. This is one of the reasons that people's voting status should be revoked. Voting against a candidate, rather than for one, is idiocy.

Second of all, does this mean that we're going to suffer through countless embellished Vietnam stories? We get it John, you served in 'Nam. We're very proud of you, now shut the hell up!

Finally, and this may be the clincher, we are going to have to go blind looking at Tereza "Tootsie" Heinz Kerry for another two years. Cripes, this woman makes Zsa Zsa Gabor look like a decent human being! I don't know how I'll stand it.

I'm sure he's reading, since he hasn't ever done a damned thing in the Senate, so John, here's some good advice: stay the course. With candidates like you and Hillary Clinton running for the Democrats, a Republican victory in 2008 is all but assured.

Now, go eat some delicious hay.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Wyatt Likey Kimmy!

My new post is up at Blogs4Bauer. It involves Kim Bauer (pictured) and my utter disdain for her character. Of course, that has nothing to do with my utter appreciation for her more tangible assets . . . Check it out here.

Of course, since my site meter killed itself from a lack of recent hits, you guys may still be recuperating from the holidays.

Godspeed, Blue

Old School's Patrick Cranshaw was 86 years old.

Sunday, January 01, 2006