Love Is The Answer

Of course, the question must have been, "What can I guy rent for $50 bucks an hour in Kensington?" Nothing? Eh? Here's your damned answers.

Little Miss Chatterbox asks, "Who are your top 5 people you would love to beat to a pulp?"

LMC, that's an easy one. PA Governor Ed Rendell, Charlie Rangel, Philadelphia Flyers' former GM Bobby Clarke, that ugly actress from TBS' My Boys, and Fmragtops. Heh.

Fmragtops asks, "Will THE MONGER HORDE conquer FrankJ and IMAO?"

Fm, when a blog announces a banner contest, then never picks a winner, I find their ability to conquer anything or anyone suspect. And to be honest, I have no idea who FrankJ is. I really don't!

RT asks, "If you could have anything for Christmas, what would it be? ANYTHING!"

RT, it's a toss up between world peace and French news babe Melissa Theuriau.
RT then asks, "Is bacon the new mistletoe?"

RT, absolutely! I spent my high school years kissing pigs round Christmas time!

Michael Hodges asks, "When you were a street cop, did you ever do one of those contests in-house as to who would arrest the freakiest person or best costume? And if so, did you win? What was your arrest?"

Michael, we never had any contests, because our district - Kensington: you've seen its splendor in the first Rocky movie - was a freak show. We used to have contests as to who would lock someone up the quickest. My old partner bagged an arrest ten minutes into the tour - that was pretty good. As for me, I have locked up quite a few very ugly naked people. I don't know why, but I guess criminals like to wear very little.

Rachel asks, "Who did you like better: the Heat Miser or the Snow Miser?"

Rach, definitely the Snow Miser. My nether-regions chafe easily in the heat!

Sssteve asks, "Hey, what was the one thing you always hoped to get on Christmas but never did?"

Sssteve, how long do you have? My dad was a Philly fireman and my mom was a waitress. It's not like I grew up in the Taj Mahal. I always wanted the Star Wars Milennium Falcon that held my action figures. My rat fink brother got that. I got even, though: I took it when I moved out of mom's. Other than that, I always wanted a Playmobil set. My kids won't have to wonder about that - they're getting one this year.

The Man asks, "Do you ever say "Book him Danno" or other Cop cliches?"

TM, one time I stopped a speeder and pulled a Chief Wiggum: "Okay, Captain Rush-Rush, where's the fire?" That actually got a chuckle out of the driver.

Nomoretreehugginhippiecrap asks, "Are Krispy Kremes available in Philly. If so would you like help on any cases? (of donuts)"

NMTHHC, they are indeed available in Philly. . . at least until I stop by and get my weekly bribe - forty cases. Mmm . . . glazed!

Not So "Ice" To See You

Remind my hockey team to never accept two weeks off.

Last night was our first game back from Turkey Day hiatus, and apparently, we were still stuffed with meat - we played like sleepy grandfathers. It would have been better if we had been stuffed with talent, because our opponents, The Storm, blew past us, winning 6-2.

Here are a few of the high, er, lowlights:

1. Vincent Antonelli is officially the team goon. After "allegedly" checking an opponent from behind, he received a two minute penalty and a ten minute misconduct. Combine that with another two minute minor later in the game, he spent 14 minutes in the sin bin. Basically, he sat out an entire period. Way to go, Vinnie!

2. The Badger should get double play, since he is now playing defense and goaltender. Our goaltender can't save coupons as of late, and Badger made a terrific skate save in the third period.

3. Fish got schooled something fierce in the second period. (Heh. Fish. School. I made a funny!) While he was coming back on defense, the charging opponent turned him right, left, then backwards on his way to an easy goal. I never saw Fish get burned quite that bad.

4. I played like crap again. Although I wasn't as lazy as some of my other offensive players, I did steal a puck to go on a breakaway - only to screw up an easy pass to my trailing linemate. All for naught.

We now have a ten day break until our next games: Sunday, December 10, and Monday, December 11. Two games in a row. That should be a blast.

Ya Got Any Meat?

The following is a true story. I don't have this vivid of an imagination.

After I picked up Kyle from school, I had to go to Lowe's and buy some topsoil. Last week, we had our steps and walkways redone by Superior Concrete - a terrific company, by the way - and I wanted to fill in some of the gaps between the new cement and my luscious lawn. After finding the brand I desired, I paid for the topsoil and retreated to the Wyatt-mobile.

And then it happened.

A white panel truck with the words "U.S. Beef" painted on the side pulls up to me in the parking lot. The driver is a man in his early thirties with a scruffy beard and not exactly dressed in his Sunday best. He gets my attention and - I swear to God - says:

"Hey, pal, do you like steak?"

I stopped, stunned, and then turned around to him. After seeing his less-than-professional truck and his wardrobe straight out of "Derelicte," I replied, "Um, no." The truck drove away and I placed the topsoil into my trunk before driving home in silence.

Although the drive was silent, my mind was racing as fast as the hamster on the treadmill could run. During this time, a few thoughts kept popping up into my head. First, who the hell was that guy, and why was he trying to sell meat in a parking lot? Second, did the guy really think that some idiot would buy "meat" from a strange man in a strange truck? And finally, if I was going to purchase something that "just fell off a truck," I doubt the first item up for bid would be some steaks.

Cripes, this town needs an enema.

It's Time For Your Questions!

It's been a few weeks since I opened up a reader Q&A, so the floodgates are open, kids! This session's "unofficial" topic is the holidays, but you know me; I'll answer anything your little hearts desire.

Post your questions in the comments section, and I'll post them tomorrow night.

Why I Love Hockey - Reason #44

Because of goals like this, scored in a skills competition. Sweet!

Caption Me Pimping

Speaking of Denny, he has his first ever Caption Contest up at First In! It would sure be keen if you guys could stop by and post an entry; especially since GOP and the City only got ten entries this weekend. Submit your funny here.

A Jessica Simpson Nudie Video?

Somewhere, Denny just said, "Thank you, God."

Jessica Simpson has been left reeling by rumors a sex tape starring her is about to be leaked onto the internet. The alleged X-rated home movie is said to show the 'Dukes of Hazzard' actress and her ex-husband Nick Lachey engaged in a number of sex acts.

A source told Britain's Daily Sport newspaper: "Jessica is horrified her name and sex tape are being mentioned in the same sentence. She's always been a girl of high morals and principles." According to reports the tape does exist and has fallen into the hands of the individuals responsible for leaking the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex video.

I'm torn after reading this story (twice). On the one hand, I wonder what makes celebrities think that videotaping themselves in the throes of giggity, giggity, giggity! On the other hand, I'm kind of a perv, so if these clips just happen to come across the SYLG News Desk, I may have to take a peek. I mean, after all, it's simply for the research.

What's Wrong With The PPD?

You wouldn't think that a current member of the Philadelphia Police Department would be ripping them on a blog, but after some of the decisions made by the administration, I had to speak out.

Recently, Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson announced the creation of yet another special unit within the department: The Gang Control Unit. Sounds like a good idea, right? Wrong.

You see, the current number of patrol officers in the city varies depending upon who is speaking. The administration says there are more than enough officers to answer your basic 911 calls. The street cops disagree. The city is losing more officers than they can replace due to the DROP Program (an early retirement incentive enacted a few years ago), and since the city refuses to hire new officers, this unsettling trend will continue.

What does this have to do with the creation of another special unit, you ask? Well, simply stated, these special units have to be manned by current patrol officers, who are taken from the street, and away from your basic service calls. The result is less officers on the street, and less officers that will respond when you (or they) need help in an emergency. To give you an idea, here is a list of the current special units within the PPD:

Traffic, Highway Patrol, AID, Neighborhood Services, Narcotics Intelligence, Narcotics Strike Force, Narcotics Field Unit 1 & 2, Narcotics Field Unit South, Narcotics Task Force, Narcotics Intelligence, Juvenile Criminal Intelligence, Civil Affairs Unit, Conflict & Prevention Unit, S.I.T.E., Criminal Intelligence Unit, Homeland Security Unit, City Wide Vice, Organized Crime Intelligence.

For those who have lost count, that is a total of 19; including seven narcotics units. In fairness, the GCU will combine Organized Crime Intelligence, Narcotics Intelligence, and Juvenile Criminal Intelligence into one unit.

In the meantime, however, street supervisors are struggling to find officers to fill their patrol cars. The commissioner will tell the media that these officers will be placed into high-crime areas, and that is true. He will also tell you that these officers will answer the radio, and handle the usual calls that are given to patrol. That, unfortunately, is a subject that is highly debated.

The newly formed S.I.T.E. Unit was created with the same expectations as the GCU, but many S.I.T.E. officers answer only radio calls of the highest priority; that is, of course, when they aren't doing whatever suits them at the moment. Despite what the administration will tell you, manpower is adversely affected by these patrol losses. The people who truly suffer are the citizens of Philadelphia, who will now wait even longer for an officer to respond to their emergency call.

Unless the current administration changes its current course, the manpower in these special units will soon outnumber the manpower of patrol - the backbone of any police department. That is simply unacceptable.

Fall Finale LiveBlogging!!!

What kind of blog host would I be if I didn't LiveBlog tonight's Fall Finale of Prison Break?

A terrible one. One that would deserve death by soap bar beating.

Thankfully, I am a stellar host, and even though I am deathly ill today, I plan on LiveBlogging tonight's fabulous episode of Prison Break on Prison Break Central. So, come one, come . . . uh, two? Don't let me post to an empty audience . . . like I do here daily. Heh.

Oh, by the way, despite rumors to the contrary, Deathlok is not dead. His computer is on the fritz. When he gets it up and running - the computer, that is - I am drafting him into the PBC Legion of Contributors.

More Filthy Half-Truths

One of the downsides of writing on three blogs is that your creativity runs out right quick. As a result, I am in the midst of a horrible case of blogger’s block. Holy alliteration, Batman! So, after some brilliant detective work, I uncovered some interesting tidbits about some of my cohorts. Think of it as a Jerry Springer episode on crack.

Basil took his Blogger name from his favorite musical artist: Tony Basil. “Oh, Mickey” was too transparent.

Captain Den is not actually a firefighter. He’s just “flaming.”

Fitch’s anagram FIAR really stands for France Is Always Right.

John D. always posts his Friday Movie Quote, but the quote is given to him by his wife, since John only watches lavish Broadway musicals.

Rachel touts herself as the resident computer genius. Unfortunately, she is a genius on just one system; the Commodore Vic-20.

Despite what others may think, RT does not want people to check out her blog. Why else would she create the largest URL (allrtee-publicpondering.blogspot.com) in history?

Pandy named her blog shortly after she strangled a captive panda with her bare hands. When the zookeeper asked her what happened to the panda, she replied, “What panda?”

God, I Miss Pelle Lindbergh!

It’s difficult being a Flyers fan. It is even more difficult living in a city chock full of Flyers fans. This team couldn’t win a pee wee tournament at this point. Hey, that gives me an idea!

Top Ten Things More Likely Than A Flyers Championship

10. The Democrats implement a draft.
9. Britney and K-Fed get back together.
8. Deathlok posts again.
7. Nirvana gets back together.
6. Fmragtops writes a post without using the word “impale.”
5. O.J. Simpson holds a book signing in Mississippi.
4. JimmyB endorses Hillary for President.
3. John Kerry marries a woman for love.
2. Glenn Reynolds links SYLG.

And the number one thing more likely than a Flyers championship is . . .

1. Playboy asks Helen Thomas to pose nude.

The Phone Call Of The Day

I swear to God, this stuff writes itself.

Wyatt: “Detective Division, Detective Earp, may I help you?”
Concerned Mother: “Yeah, you locked up my sixteen year old son last night. I wanna know what’s going on.”

Wyatt: “Ma’am, I didn’t lock up your son, since I was home last night. Do you have your detective’s name?”
Concerned Mother: “No, I don’t! Now tell me what’s going on!”

Wyatt: “Um, okay. Where was your son arrested?”
Concerned Mother: “I don’t know!!!”

Wyatt: “What time was he arrested?”
Concerned Mother: “I don’t know that, either. Last night.”

Wyatt: “Ma’am, do you know your son’s name?”
Concerned Mother: “Yes! It’s M**** J******.”

Wyatt: “Hold on a second, while I look up the job.”
Concerned Mother: “Fine. Just hurry up.”

Wyatt: “Ma’am, he was arrested for robbing a mini mart, point of gun.”
Concerned Mother: “My son didn’t have no gun.”

Wyatt: “I’m just telling you what the police report says, ma’am. It also says that there is a video of the incident, and two guns were recovered.”
Concerned Mother: “Well, we’ll see what happened in court. My son didn’t rob nobody. Will he be released?”

Wyatt: “That depends, ma’am. Was he ever arrested before?”
Concerned Mother: “Yeah. He’s on probation.”

Wyatt: “What is he on probation for, ma’am?”
Concerned Mother: “Armed robbery.”

God Hates Me, That's What It Is

So, after helping the missus unpack the Christmas crap. (I'm surprised she waited this long. She usually has me help her on Black Friday.) I took my sick-as-a-dog ass downstairs to watch the 4pm football game. I get ready to watch the biggest game of the year - Da Bears versus the Pats, and . . .

MY FRIGGIN' FOX AFFILIATE IS SHOWING THE LOUSY GIANTS/TITANS GAME!!!

Are you frakkin' kidding me???

Fox Philadelphia, you suck!

Get Your P,B, & C!

Because Prison Break Central is much more satisfying than a peanut butter and jelly sammich! It also has more vitamins and nutrients, by the way. There are two, count 'em, two, new posts up today, one courtesy of our good friend RT. So, don't make her efforts futile; stop by and give them a read.

Four out of five dentists would approve.

Real Detective Phone Calls

I swear to God, I have to stop answering the phone in the division.

Last Wednesday, the division gets a call from a detective in Winslow Township, New Jersey. The detective tells me that he is investigating an “abduction” of a child from Winslow Township, and needs our help.

Okay, no problem.

The detective then tells me that the father has the child, as part of a custody order, and mom wants him back. So, mom reported the child abducted. The detective, in turn, wants us to go to the father’s house and drag the child out.

Okay, problem.

When I told the detective that, in Philadelphia, detectives don’t handle custody cases, the courts do, he was not amused. After accusing me of not doing my job, I responded, “Well, sir, since this originated in Winslow Township, isn’t this your job?” The detective ended our conversation there.

For the record, I did send some officers out to the house, and the father was there with the child. According to the custody order, the father was not to turn over the child until the next day, but did so to appease the mother. You’re welcome, Winslow Township.

Why I Love This Game

The Phoenix Coyotes now have cheerleaders. "The Pack" performs at all home games. Greatest sport . . . ever!

An FHL Update

Well, since it appears to be impossible to post an Excel spreadsheet on Blogger, this summary will have to do. Of course, without the sheet, we cannot see Commish's (read: Deathlok's) whacky logos. Oh well, here's the current standings as of this morning.

1. Louie the Lock (156 points). This rat bastard is leading the league thanks to smoke, mirrors, and a slew of Buffalo Sabres. Lou has four of these toads - Briere, Drury, Afinogenov, and Numminen - on his roster, and lucked out with Buffalo's red hot start to the season.

2. OtherKev (144 points). OKev is my friend from Arizona - the one who put up my family in his home for a week. After a superb draft, OKev pulled off the deal of the century; wrangling Alexander Ovechkin from The Bagder. Together with Jaromir Jagr, Ovechkin is putting up boku points for the Arizona punk.

3. Tie: Team Pinchy (137 points), Ant (137 points). Since Deathlok (Team Pinchy) hasn't blogged in a million years, he must be focusing all of his energy into the FHL. He and Ant - the only Canadian in the league - are tied for third, thanks to a great draft by both. Ant, a lunatic Devils fan, only picked up three of them this year. Unfortunately, one of them was 27-point goalie Martin Brodeur.

5. Team Sean (131 points). Deathlok's brother Sean (and his co-owner/son Sean) started out hot . . . until Buffalo goaltender Ryan Miller got hurt. The team recovered in time to still be in the thick of things, thanks to Jason Spezza's 25 points.

6. Tie: Grimjack (128 points), The Badger (128 points). After Badger's blockbuster trade with OKev, he made a trade with Vinnie Antonelli. His newest players - Patrick Marleau and Kari Lehtonen - are now carrying his once pitiful team. Grimjack is being carried by Teemu Selanne's 30 points, and Marty Turco's 25.

8. Tie: Wyatt (127 points), Rob (127 points). Yeah, my team sucks rocks. I blame the slow start (24 points) by "phenom" goaltender Miikka Kiprusoff. Of course, if my defense could point the biscuit in the basket, that would help matters. Rob, on the other hand, has a lot of average point scorers, but no one who is really lighting the lamp. Thus, he is sharing lousy real estate with me.

10. Fish (125 points). Fish has 30 points from Michael Nylander, and 16 from Lubomir Visnovsky . . . and little else. His defense reeks, and his goalies blow. That pretty much sums it up.

11. Vinnie Antonelli (115 points). Speaking of blowing, Vinnie's team is pure, unadulterated garbage. His top scorer is his goaltender (J.S. Giguere) with 31 points, but his second best player has a mere 20 points. Not good. Funny, because Vinnie was betting anyone who would listen that he would win this thing. He will . . . if a plane crash takes every other GM out.

People I Hate

It's the day after a holiday, so my bile is limited this week. Enjoy!

Black Friday Shoppers

Sorry if you fall into this category, but in my humble opinion, you people are morons. As we were driving home from Thanksgiving dinner tonight (at 8pm), we passed the local Best Buy. There, in the cold and pouring rain, were a large group of people camping out for the early morning sales. What the hell are you camping out for, and extra $5 off your purchase of cable ties? Jackasses. Oh, and why does it have to be "Black" Friday, anyway? Racist bastards.

Indiana Congressional "Candidate" Steve Osborn

Steve Osborn must be related to Norman and Harry Osborn, because ol' Stevie Boy is certifiably insane. Osborn, a Libertarian running against political kingpin Dick Lugar (as if that's his real name), is calling for a recount of his congressional race. This wouldn't be a big deal, save for the fact that Osborn lost to Lugar by over a million votes! Are you kidding me, Osborn?

"I'll have more comments after the counts are done," he told The Times of Munster.

The only recount that anyone should be calling for should deal with Osborn's brain cells.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I think I'll be passing up a turkey leg for one of hers. HA!

Seriously, I hope y'all have a terrific day, and if you're gonna pound down the pints - yeah, I'm talking to you, Peakah - then please don't drive!

Me? I'm gonna eat thirty pounds of stuffing and fall asleep while watching my Broncos kick the stuffing out of the Chiefs.

A Two-Fer!

The good people at Prison Break Central have not one, but two (yes, two) posts up right now. And both were posted within the same hour. "Holy crap," you say? Well, you would be correct.

Check them out here.

Sidebar-B-Q

Just a reminder for my loyal readers: if your blog links SYLG in its sidebar - but yours is not currently in mine - please let me know in the comments section, and I’ll gladly reciprocate, post haste.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled drivel.

Let Us Give Thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day, so I wanted to let everyone know what I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful for my family, who put up with more of my crap than anyone can possibly know.

I am thankful for Partner #1, who puts up with more of my crap than my family would ever believe.

I am thankful for the Denver Broncos, the New York Rangers, the New York Yankees, the Michigan Wolverines, and Jeff Gordon, all of whom give me someone to root for every weekend.

I am thankful for the Oakland Raiders, the Colorado Avalanche, the Boston Red Sox, the Ohio State Buckeyes, and Tony Stewart, all of whom give me someone to hate every weekend.

I am thankful for Pez - nature's perfect food.

I am thankful for idiots like Cindy SheeHag, Al Sharpton, Hillary Clinton, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton, who give me more material than any blogger could expect.

I am thankful for Jessica Biel . . . just because.

I am thankful for my fellow bloggers, who keep me honest and help me keep this train wreck running.

But, most of all, I am eternally thankful for the 61,000 or so visitors who have stopped by this little slice of Grammar Hell. Thank you all very, very much.

Carrie My Heart Away

This goes against everything I stand for, but I have to admit, American Idol Carrie Underwood is the real deal. Carrie won Best New Artist at the American Music Awards last night, and as far as I can tell, crybaby Faith Hill didn't complain about it. Good for her!

Oh, and I guess the more cynical of my readers will think that I like Carrie for her more, um, superficial assets. For shame!

Cosmo Goes Loco

It looks like Cosmo Kramer really is the "Assman."

"LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Michael Richards said Monday he spewed racial epithets during a stand-up comedy routine because he lost his cool while being heckled and not because he's a bigot . . . A video posted on TMZ.com shows Richards launching into the tirade after two black audience members started shouting at him that he wasn't funny."

"Richards retorts: 'Shut up! Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f------ fork up your a--.'"

Okay, that's pretty funny . . . unless it was your fork.

"He then paces across the stage taunting the men for interrupting his show, peppering his speech with racial slurs and profanities. 'You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now mother------. Throw his a-- out. He's a n-----!' Richards shouts before repeating the racial epithet over and over again." (H/T - CNN.com)

Look, Richards' tirade was idiotic, but I'm not ready to condemn the man as a racist. (Of course, I'm not ruling it out, either.) The fact of the matter is that some a-holes in the audience were heckling him, and he really lost it. What I can't figure is why everyone calls the man a racist because he used the dreaded N-word, but when other blacks use it, it's acceptable. No one cried a whit when Dave Chappelle peppered it into his show, but when some honkey from Seinfeld throws it out there, he should be drawn and quartered.

The common accepted norm is that African-Americans use the word to "lessen the meaning." Unfortunately, when the same people throw a hissy fit when a non-black uses the N-word, that theory goes out the window. My $0.02: either stop saying the word altogether, or stop your bitching when someone else uses it.

I mean, Jeebus, get over it already.

Let the hate mail commence.

Late Night Linky Love

Work was brutally busy tonight, and I have court in the morning. So, I wasn't able to post anything witty - like I ever do - today. So, when all else fails, help some brothas (and sistas) out with some linkage. To wit:

* Captain Den regales us with another classic edition of Real American Dirtbags. This week's entry: Charlie Rangel. Finally, something to take his mind off the concrete workers at my house!

* GOP and College has a great Caption Contest going on over at his place. Maybe we can help him get a better showing than the NINE people who entered GOP and the City's Weekend Caption Contest. Entries are due by Wednesday afternoon.

* That rat fink Cowboy Blob shows his true college colors; by taking a shot at my Michigan Wolverines. Bastard.

* RT does her Seinfeld impersonation - that's not a racist, profanity-laced diatribe - by doing a post about nothing.

* For some reason, Rachel blames me - your professional blog host - because she is addicted to blogging. Um, you're welcome?

* Tyler - who is fast at work for a better banner for Captain Den - politely disagrees with his "D-List" status.

Well, that was easy. Now I can go to bed.

Jack Benny Would Be Proud

Today is my good friend Bill’s (first) 39th birthday. Not only is Bill the godfather to my son Erik and our resident financial advisor, but he is also one of the nicest guys you would ever want to meet.

Now, if only he could get the DirecTv people out to his house sooner, I wouldn’t have to record Battlestar Galactica for him every Friday night. Happy Birthday, Bill!

B-List??? Crud!

Oh well, at least Support Your Local Gunfighter isn't in David Hasselhoff territory . . . yet. Some of us - not mentioning any names, GOP and the City! - made the A-List. Lousy pretentious New Yawker!

Where does your blog stand? Click HERE and find out. (Oh, and when your post your results, be sure to link SYLG. I gotta get to the A-List somehow!)

It Ain't Easy Being Green

Sometimes when I shill so much for Battlestar Galactica, Prison Break, and 24, I forget all about my other favorite show: Smallville. For those of you not watching - and Deathlok should not be in that group - here's a clip of this season's newest recurring character: The Green Arrow.

The Champ Is Here!

Congratulations Jimmie Johnson: 2006 NASCAR Nextel Cup Champion.

The rest of the top five season standings were as follows: Matt Kenseth, Denny Hamlin, Kevin Harvick, and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Jeff Gordon finished sixth overall. I try and look on the bright side: the Daytona 500 is only three months away!

Stick A Fork In 'Em

The Philadelphia Eagles are officially done.

Curiously, it has little to do with Donovan McNabb’s season-ending injury. It does, however, have everything to do with head coach Andy Reid and his utter incompetence on game day. This is a man without a plan, and it becomes more and more obvious every week. Andy Reid is the Washington Generals of the NFL.

Since I believe that even the poorest student can eventually learn a simple task, I offer Mr. Reid a few football wisdom nuggets:

Football is a Contact Sport. Thus, players can and will receive injuries on the field. A good coach (not you) is prepared for all contingencies, in case someone, like, say, your quarterback, goes down during the game.

The Clock is Ticking. Football is based on four fifteen-minute quarters. Every team has only a limited number of time outs. Taking a timeout in the first quarter for nonsense (as you usually do) means that you will have one less timeout later in the game. It’s simple mathematics!

Good Players Can Help You Win. For some reason, this truism is lost on most Philadelphia teams. A talented player will pay dividends on the field. A less talented player, like, say, your entire run defense, will let a doormat team like the Tennessee Titans embarrass you on your own field.

There you go, Andy; a few helpful hints from your old pal Wyatt. Learn them, live them, and love them.

Jimmie Crack Corn . . .

And I do care! If all goes well, Jimmie Johnson will win his first NASCAR Nextel Cup Championship later today at Homestead-Miami Speedway. Johnson is currently the leader, a mere 63 points ahead of Matt Kenseth. As long as he does one of the following, he’ll be the new champ:

Finish 12th or better and lead no laps.
Finish 13th and lead at least one lap.
Finish 15th and lead the most laps.

In today’s bump and run NASCAR, none of the above will be an easy task. Hopefully, Jimmie is up to the challenge. And if Jeff Gordon or Dale Earnhardt, Jr, can’t win, I’d like to see the title go to Johnson. Start your engines!

Shenanigans?

This was reported as a “rumor” in Friday’s Philadelphia Daily News, but I wouldn’t put it past our scumbag governor.

“The hot topic in Harrisburg is whether Gov. Rendell will try to persuade a Republican to switch parties to give the Democrats control of the state House.”

“Two Chester County seats remain undecided after last week’s election, but the GOP was leading, and if it retains them, the Dems will be one vote short of a majority in the state House.”

So, I guess the Democrats mantra of “count every vote” doesn’t mean anything after an election? Well, sure, he was elected as part of a Republican ticket, but I’m sure those voters wouldn’t mind if he just jumped ship, right? Can you believe the gall of this guy? I hope that this is just a rumor, but as we have seen with a certain maple-syrup-chugging Vermont toad, this sort of thing has happened before.

Damnit

Ohio State 42, Michigan 39.

Maybe, just maybe, the BCS Committee will keep the Wolverines at #2 and give them their rematch for the title.

UPDATE: Ohio State and Michigan are #1 and #2 respectively in this week's BSC Standings. Unfortunately, Michigan's lead over that fraud USC team is so slim, that they will probably be passed by the Trojans by the end of the season. Oh well, Michigan had their chance and played awfully well. I am proud of their effort.

The Biggest Game Of The Year

SYLG will be closed between 3:30pm (EST) and 7:30pm (EST) so the staff can watch the Michigan/Ohio State game. (And by "staff," I mean me.)

Although I an a huge Wolverines fan, I am not all that confident in their chances today. The Buckeyes are not the number one team in the country for nothing, and they are even more dangerous at home. Michigan has the emotional factor going in to The Horseshoe after Bo Schembechler's passing, but I fear it won't be enough.

Unfortunately, with the fraud BCS system in place, if Michigan loses this game - even by a close margin - they will probably drop a number of spots in the standings, and lose any chance at a National Championship. In a perfect world, Michigan will win by three points, and set up a National Title rematch in January.

Go Wolverines!

Just A Reminder . . .

Prison Break Central is still in business. And we could really use some help from some contributors. I can't post on three blogs and keep what's left of my sanity!

Wyatt Earp: Master Of The Obvious

So, I am watching From Dusk Til Dawn, and it hits me . . .
Salma Hayek is really hot.

A Dark Day For The Maize And Blue

The Big Game tomorrow has just been put on the back burner.

"SOUTHFIELD, Michigan (Ticker) - Michigan coaching legend Bo Schembechler has died after collapsing Friday morning, Detroit-area television station WXYZ reported. He was 77.

Schembechler collapsed at WXYZ's studios in Southfield as he prepared to tape the "Big Ten Ticket" show and was taken to Providence Hospital, the ABC affiliate said. He had a pacemaker implanted on October 23 after a previous episode at the studio." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Please keep the Schembechler family in your prayers.

People I Hate

There's only room for one group of people this week. Fasten your seatbelts.

Sony Computer Entertainment America

These sons of bitches should be shot . . . then hung . . . then burned beyond all recognition.

"NEW YORK - Die-hard gamers and entrepreneurs prepared to shell out $500 or more for the new PlayStation 3 console that goes on sale Friday, many of them after waiting in line for days despite the likelihood they'd go home empty-handed."

Why would they go empty-handed, you ask? Read on.

"Sony promised 400,000 PS3 machines for the United States on Friday and about 1 million by year's end. Worldwide, it was expecting 2 million this year, half its original projections. Sony has already delayed the European launch until March."

So, basically, they are PURPOSELY releasing HALF the number of consoles it promised, thereby creating a "buzz" about their suckass system. In the meantime, they are screwing their loyal customers for some media hype and P.R. D**kheads!

"At some point we want to get to some degree of normalcy, but that remains to be seen," Tretton told The Associated Press, adding that seeing all the people camped out and lined up for the console "kind of makes all the effort worth it."

Oh, I get it now. Your mind games with the shopping public is "worth it." Watching poor saps sitting outside a frakkin' Best Buy for four days in torrential rain is "worth it." Hearing stories about working parents who can't get their kids a desired Christmas present is "worth it." You sir, are an asshole. (Yeah, I wrote it.)

"Enthusiasm for the PlayStation 3 wasn't dampened by its high price tag — $500 for the basic model with a 20-gigabyte drive and $600 for the 60-gigabyte version, which also has built-in wireless. " (H/T - Yahoo!)

$600??? Frak you! What, are you people pulling a Pearl Harbor all over again? You bastards did this a few years back with PS2, and (eventually) I forgave you. I owned a PlayStation, and currently own a PS2. I wanted a PS3, but I won't pay anything near that rapist price tag. Cripes, I'm 37, and I still think $600 is a ridiculous amount of money!

If you couldn't tell, I am an avid gamer. (Well, less so recently, since blogging takes up a lot of my free time.) As such, I am usually loyal to a system until they screw me. Sony screwed me once, but I won't let them do it again. I was talking to my friend Kevin from Arizona tonight, and he said he was going to look into the XBox 360 for his next game console. I will be right behind him.

SCEA, you people are scumbags.

The Hawk Will Never Die!

The two guys probably get more tail than Sinatra.

Enough of this depressing, self-pity crap. The 2006-07 college basketball season has begun, and my alma mater, the Saint Joseph's University Hawks started play with a 63-47 spanking of Fairfield. Okay, Fairfield isn't exactly Duke, but it was only the first game. This year's squad is a talented one, but only time will tell how far they will go. Good luck, guys!

Puck Me!

Well, it's official: I suck at hockey.

We lost our game last night by a score of 5-3, and after six games Harrigan's has one win, three losses and two OT losses. In those six games - all of which I played - I have one point. ONE FRIGGIN' POINT!

It has gotten to the point where I think it may be time to hang up the skates. Seriously.

In the last few weeks, I have done little right. My passes were way off target, I missed golden opportunities to score, and my endurance has much to be desired. The gym is helping a bunch, but when I get on the ice, my legs don't want to go as fast as I would like. It's pissing me off. I wish I had more talent out there, but I simply don't. And the worst part is that our next game isn't for two more weeks, so I get to stew until then.

Sorry, everyone. Pity party concluded.

Someone turn the lights awn!

After ranting at Pandy that Philadelphians don't have an accent, I took her stupid hippy liberal quiz. Damn her.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: Philadelphia Your accent is as Philadelphian as a cheesesteak! If you're not from Philadelphia, then you're from someplace near there like south Jersey, Baltimore, or Wilmington. if you've ever journeyed to some far off place where people don't know that Philly has an accent, someone may have thought you talked a little weird even though they didn't have a clue what accent it was they heard.
The South
The Midland
The Northeast
The Inland North
Boston
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

So Much For Democratic Unity

John Murtha once again giving the troops the finger.

I wanted to stay away from politics, but this is too funny to ignore.

"WASHINGTON - Democrats picked Rep. Steny Hoyer to be House majority leader on Thursday, spurning Rep. Nancy Pelosi's handpicked choice moments after unanimously backing her election as speaker when Congress convenes in January. A Marylander and 25-year veteran of Congress, Hoyer defeated Rep. John Murtha of Pennsylvania in a vote of 149-86." (H/T - Yahoo!)

149-86? Cripes, that's like last week's drubbing of Temple football by Penn State. Congratulations Mr. ABSCAM, er, Murtha, you are once again relegated to obscurity. Heh.

So, Who's A Phoenix Coyotes Fan?

We have a hockey game tonight, so this should get everyone in the mood. Heh.

Cue Patsy Cline . . .

(Hat Tip - The Man)

O.J. Simpson Is Back!

Will someone please tell me why the hell this double murderer doesn't just keep his felonious mouth shut?

"LOS ANGELES - Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses 'how he would have committed' the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend, for which he was acquitted, the network said."

Oh, O.J. is going to discuss how "he would have committed" the slayings? That should be a stretch for him, huh? YOU DID IT, YOU A-HOLE! JUST ADMIT IT, THEY CAN'T PROSECUTE YOU FOR IT NOW!!!

"The two-part interview, titled 'O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened,' will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, the TV network said." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Just when you thought Fox couldn't get any lower. I cannot believe that this is the same network that gave us 24, House, and Prison Break. Maybe we'll get lucky and Ron Goldman will pull a jack Ruby on him as he exits the studios.

Fare Thee Well, Alan

A Blogger Hero is retiring.

Alan Woody from Woody's News & Views is pulling a Crash Davis. He hit his dinger (in this case 100,000 hits) and he's hanging it up. I feel badly not only because of his blog retirement, but also because - like so many other blogs in my sidebar - hadn't stopped by Woody's place nearly often enough. It has been my loss, because his work (especially his greatest hits) is excellent.

Not only is Alan a terrific blogger, he is also a terrific human being. When Uber's daughter passed away, he was the first to e-mail me asking how he could help. That impressed me, because he has (to my knowledge) never met her. It is just one of probably a million stories folks can tell you about the man.

The blogosphere is worse off now that he is gone. He will be sorely missed.

Wyatt Para Presidente!

News reports out of Cuba are claiming that Fidel Castro is near death. The line of succession in this communist stronghold is unclear. Therefore, I am officially throwing my beret into the ring. I, Wyatt Earp, am officially announcing my candidacy for El Presidente and Supreme Cuban Dictator.

My platforms are simple, yet revolutionary. First, as El Presidente, I promise to make the Cuban Navy the most formidable in the Caribbean. My people will be driven like cattle in an effort to build the country’s first battleship; the C.R. Tony Montana. This sole warship will make Cuba the greatest military force in the Caribbean area.

Second, as El Presidente, I will conduct a policy of open trade with our American brothers to the north. As a gesture of goodwill, my lickspittles will hand deliver a case of Cuban cigars to the United States’ greatest icon: Cosmo Kramer. And let’s face facts; when Kramer is happy, America is happy.

Third, as El Presidente, I will strive to make Communism popular again. My target audience will include students from bleeding-heart liberal colleges, such as U.C. Berkeley and Orange Coast College. While one half of my people will be slaving over the C.R. Tony Montana, the other half will be mass-producing posters of Che Guevara, olive drab faux uniforms, and black berets. I hear this ensemble is all the rage in America.

Finally, as El Presidente, I will rule with an iron fist. Those who question my “authoritah” will be disciplined and disciplined severely. And while we’re at it, since I think baseball sucks ass, the national pastime of Cuba will immediately be changed to lacrosse, and the U.S. Naval base at Guantanamo Bay will be charged a “luxury tax” for the utilization of prime beachfront property. I mean, what kind of Presidente doesn’t tax the hell out of his guests, right? Viva Cuba! Viva El Presidente!

Saint Patrick Gets His Due

Patrick Roy, arguably the greatest goaltender of all time, was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame yesterday.

"Patrick Roy, the NHL's winningest goaltender, and Herb Brooks, coach of the 'Miracle on Ice' team that won gold at the 1980 Olympics, were inducted Monday into the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Brooks, who died in a car accident in 2003, led a team of U.S. college players to the greatest upset in hockey history, the 'Miracle on Ice' victory over the mighty Soviet machine in the 1980 Olympic semifinals. The Americans went on to win gold, which they hadn't done since 1960." (H/T - Yahoo!)

I know that Fish is smiling today. He is such a huge Roy nut that he named one of his sons Patrick. Now that's a hockey fan! Congratulations, gentlemen!

Check The Linkage

In case you haven't been stopping by (and you haven't!!!) Little Miss Chatterbox took over LiveBlogging at Prison Break Central tonight. Actually, it was T-Vo blogging, but what are you gonna do?

Although I was a tad premature - why does that sound familiar? - Denny finally got rid of that nasty computer virus. Next time, he'll use a computer condom.

Basil promotes a very worthy cause: Operation Christmas Child.

And finally, The CUG fights off trolls and banishes them back underneath their bridges.

Real Life Keystone Cops

Whenever I hear people talk about hard working, hero cops, I occasionally giggle. Don’t get me wrong; there are a lot of hard-working, good cops in my city, and more than a few of them are here in my division. However, my department is chock full of toads, too. Cops who just show up, collect a paycheck, and do less than the average Jerry Springer guest.

Sadly, many of these badge-wearing toads are women.

On my day off, I was shopping in Sam’s Club when I saw this blonde female cop pushing a shopping cart around. I knew she was a cop, because she was in full uniform. The woman turned toward me and I immediately recognized her as one of the toads I used to work with. After doing less than zero in her short career, she now works a cushy 9-5, Monday through Friday gig in the captain’s office of one of my previous assignments. Curiously, she was shopping in the store on Thursday at noon. Do the math. Obviously, she was shopping on the city’s time . . . in full uniform. Nice.

Now, maybe she had court, and stopped there on her way home – although I highly doubt it, since she hasn’t locked anyone up in years. Maybe she was running errands for the captain. Maybe she was lost and thought that the warehouse was her district. (She is, after all, a blonde.) I don’t know. What I do know is that the hundred or so other patrons were shooting glances at her, probably wondering the same thing I was: why the hell aren’t you at work?

I know at least a few of those people left that store with a lesser opinion of the Philadelphia Police Department. And I can’t say that I blame them.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Today is my mother's birthday. (Don't worry about how old she is. She's older than me.) And, since I probably won't see her today - I am working 3pm to 11pm - I offer this post in lieu of an on-time gift. Now, am I the best son in the world, or what?

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Veteran's Day

Are there any greater heroes than our veterans? These fine men and women put their lives on the line everyday for our country and its ideals. It’s a thankless job, but it doesn’t have to be. When you see a member of our armed forces, say hello and thank them for their sacrifices. They won’t bite. On the contrary, it will probably make their day.

And while you’re at it, check out my sidebar link (near the bottom of the page) for Books for Soldiers. This is a terrific program – which I have used quite often – where you can send books, CD’s, and non-perishable foods to our troops overseas. Why, you can even just send a card or an e-mail of support to a service member. It’s a great website, so check it out.

Free And Clear

It appears that Captain Den’s computer problems have been terminated with extreme prejudice. I just wanted to thank everyone for their helpful ideas, and offer special thanks to Rachel, who had to talk Denny through most of the more infuriating parts of his computer virus. He should be posting about his mundane life soon enough. Heh.

Blogging Is A Cutthroat Business

So, you have to know how to advertise.

Fire(fighter) In The Hole!

Well, there's a day I'll never get back.

Picture this little scenario: it's a beautiful, warm, sunny day in Philadelphia. You come back from the mall on your day off, and the local boob - we'll call him "Captain Den" - is using his leaf blowers to clean up the billions and billions of leaves his three trees have left strewn across the neighborhood.

He gives you the look, and according to The Code, you are obligated to help. Ugh. Three hours and twelve bags later, many of the leaves are shredded and bagged. Unfortunately, the ancient oak tree still has most of its leaves intact. We'll be doing this again real soon.

After escaping to watch the Michigan/Indiana game, said boob calls and says he has a "problem." His computer is on the fritz, and Mr. Computer Incompetent (read: me) needed to get over there, post haste. I threw on some shoes, kissed the family goodbye - because it was gonna be a long night - and trotted the 100 yards to Casa de Denny. Before I left, however, I snared the cell - just in case this "problem" was over my head.

It was.

It appears that Uncle Den contracted a virus, and one much worse than the one he caught in Haiti. HA! This damned thing was well over my head, so I called Rachel. She grabbed Denny's hand (figuratively) and guided him through the maze of his own computer impotence. An hour or so later, Den's computer was still a $1,500 paperweight. It was rather difficult, since Denny is a product of the Philly public school system. After Rachel told him not to click on the pop-up spyware icon, he did so again, to our amazement. Yikes! He and Rachel will try again tomorrow.

If anyone has any suggestions, he'd appreciate all the help in the world.

You Want Answers?

You got 'em!

Grimjack asks, "If you delete a link to a site because you don't like what they said, does that make you a teenage girl?"

Grim, I answered this in the comments section, but I figured if I didn't link you here, you'd cry like a little bitch.

Insolublog asks, "What is your SYLG analysis of Matthew Lesko's gender preference(s)? (Based of course on your special unrivaled talent for judging people's character)"

Insol, in my unrivaled opinion, I believe that "Bruce" would be a better name for Mr. Lesko.

Fmragtops asks, "Faith Hill: Botched joke like her hero, John Kerry, or insane show-upmanship a la John Kerry after the '04 elections?"

Fm, I specifically warned against political questions, but since you're from Louisiana, you must read at a second-grade level. Heh. It appeared to me that she was deadly serious, which leads me to believe that she is becoming more like her scumbag Police Horse-stealing husband every day.

Molly asks, "If your wife asked you not to chew tobaco because she didn't want you to get oral cancer and have your face cut off, would you: A: Not chew tobaco B: Chew tobaco and hide the fact from your wife even though she always finds out and gets real pissed C: Tell your wife to butt out and hope you don't get mouth cancer and have your face cut off, or D: Chew anyway but hide it better from your wife?"

Molly, are you the spokesperson for Skoal? If my wife didn't want me to chew, I would probably just spit the tobacco juice in her iced tea - cause that's how I roll. Yeah, I'm going to hell.

Tyler D asks, "Why hasn't instapundit linked to my site?"

Ty, because you committed the unforgivable sin of not capitalizing the "I." Well, that, and the fact that you like Rammstein.

RT asks, "If you could program 24 hours of television, what would you put on TV?"

RT, that's easy: 24.

FIAR asks, "Does Fresca make you gay? [Not that there's anything wrong with that]"

Fitch, not really. Many real men drink Fresca. You know, like Richard Simmons, Lance Bass, and Liberace'. Nah, I'm just kidding. Living in Massachusetts makes you gay.

Crazy Politico asks, "If you are driving down the road and your banana gets a flat tire how many oranges would it take to fill a doghouse? (E-mail me for the answer if you need help.)"

CP, if my banana got a flat tire, forget the oranges, I'd reach for the Viagra.

Dragon Lady asks, "Where can I find a chart on post critical-incident suicides among police officers??!! I'm preparing for a presentation and can't find one anywhere."

DL, that reminds me of the time when I that scumbag pulled a gun on me and my partner. Thanks. Now, I'm really depressed. Where did I put my gun? KIDDING!!!

Insolublog asks, "Will eating Bacon!® cancel out any hypothetical gayness that may or may not be inherent in a soft drink? Let's take Fresca as an example."

Insol, Cripes, I hope so! Pandy eats a pound of bacon a day, and she's always pregnant . . . by a man! Speaking of Pandy . . .

Pandy asks, "Why the hell am I awake before 6 am?"

Pandy, it's because when you were awake, it was midnight at your former home on the east coast. At the same time, it was 9pm at your birthplace in California. Now, take the difference in these three time zones, and factor in the . . . uh, to answer your question, I don't know.

The Man asks, "Are aliens really about to attack? What does the Philly PD plan to do about it?"

TM, according to John McCain, there is not an alien problem in the United States. I disagree, and I think we are about to experience a blowback from the Mars Attacks offensive.

Little Miss Chatterbox asks, "How will Linc & his son find a way out of jail? And how will T-bag manage to avoid being arrested?"

LMC, The first one is easy. They will be pardoned by the incoming Democratic Congress. As for T-Bag, he will really have to "hand it" to the fast approaching police.

Vincent Antonelli asks, "Pete Rose: Hall of Fame or no?"

Vinnie, personally, I think he should be inducted. As for Pete, he bet me $100 that he won't.

Captain Den asks, "Is there a world record for scratching on the eight ball? If so what is it? How about on the break? Are all Russian women flamingly sexy or do they hide the ugly ones? What is the secret to Captainden's magic powers? Captainden RULES!"

Denny, If there is a world record, I broke it on Thursday night. Cripes! ALL Russian women (under 35 anyway) are flamingly sexy. Those over 35 are hidden in Siberia. And the secret to your magic powers is your Mighty Chrome Dome. It takes the sun's rays and converts it into snarky, wiseass comments.

Sssteve asks, "Who do you have a man crush on? I know you have one!"

Sssteve, it's no contest: Rosie O'Donnell.

Review: Flags Of Our Fathers

Flags of Our Fathers is the true story of the Marines who raised the American flag during the Battle of Iwo Jima. The 40-day battle was the Corps' deadliest.

The film, directed by Clint Eastwood, follows the six men who were immortalized in the above scene. Only three of them made it off the rock alive. At the time (February, 1945) the U.S. was running out of war material, and Bond sales were at a wartime low. The three survivors were chosen to go on a speaking/appearance tour to drum up War Bond capital, and re-energize the country. Like today, Americans in 1945 were running out of patience for the war, and needed a rallying point.

That point was made with this candid photo.

Eastwood's film is an emotional roller coaster, that jumps between the live action battle scenes - which equal those of Saving Private Ryan - and the "celebrity" lives of the three survivors. Every time the trio get another perk, or get wrangled into a photo op, one harkens back to the horrors of war. As to the film's impact, I can say this; Denny and I were in a smaller theater with about twenty other people. At the end of the film, you could hear a pin drop. No one got out of their seats, and we quietly watched the credits. When they were finished, everyone quietly stood, and filed out of the theater. In my opinion, Flags of Our Fathers is one of the best war films I have ever seen.

If Flags of Our Fathers doesn't win the Academy Award for Best Picture, Hollywood should be ashamed of itself.

BTW, Denny has his movie review up at his place.

People I Hate

I so want to avoid politics today, but it's rather difficult. I'll compromise and only talk about it once. Here goes.

The Voters Of Delaware County, Pennsylvania

You, my friends, are morons. By ousting Curt Weldon in favor of "Admiral" Joe Sestak (56% to 42%), you lost a congressman who:

A. Is the vice chairman of the House Armed Services Committee.
B. Single-handedly kept the Ridley Park Boeing Plant in business.
C. Saved thousands of jobs with said Plant.
D. All of the above.

The correct answer is "D." Sestak may be a good man - after all, he served his country faithfully - but he will not have anywhere near the political clout to help the folks of Delco like Weldon has in the past. If and when the Boeing Plant closes or relocates, don't say I didn't warn ya.

The Students of Orange Coast College

My frakkin' head is about to explode.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Student leaders at a California college have touched off a furor by banning the Pledge of Allegiance at their meetings, saying they see no reason to publicly swear loyalty to God and the U.S. government.

This happened in California? Really?? I am shocked!

The move was led by three recently elected student trustees, who ran for office wearing revolutionary-style berets and said they do not believe in publicly swearing an oath to the American flag and government at their school. One student trustee voted against the measure, which does not apply to other student groups or campus meetings.

Che Geuvara lives! Friggin' a-holes!

"That ('under God') part is sort of offensive to me," student trustee Jason Ball, who proposed the ban, told Reuters. "I am an atheist and a socialist, and if you know your history, you know that 'under God' was inserted during the McCarthy era and was directly designed to destroy my ideology."

An atheist and a socialist; just like Hillary Clinton. So, because three retards are "offended," everyone else has to conform to their idiotic views? I can't tell you how many times I get offended when I hear the term "student leaders."

Ball said the ban largely came about because the trustees didn't want to publicly vow loyalty to the American government before their meetings. "Loyalty ought to be something the government earns through performance, not through reciting a pledge," he said.

Recite the Pledge, you asshat!!! Tell me where it says you are swearing allegiance to the American government!!! The Pledge of Allegiance deals with the American flag and the country in which you trolls are currently living!!! Try one of these "protests" in Venezuela or Cuba and see what happens. You people are clueless about the ideals for which this country stands. God-damned hippies.

Britney Spears and K-Fed

Hollywood's White Trash Power Couple is getting a divorce.

"In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple's two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights." (H/T - TMZ.com)

Because Britney Spears should certainly be allowed to raise children, right? Look, I have no problem with the divorce - the only thing Federline ever did was knock Britney up (Twice!) and turn into Jabba the Hutt - but what galls me is the attention this is getting. I have more talent in my yam bag than both of these two put together.

Now leave me alone. I have to go Google "Kutcher/Moore romance."

Captain Scarlet!

Will somebody please call New Jersey and see if it is burning?

Rutgers, the 15th ranked football team in the nation pulled out an incredible win against the #3 ranked Louisville Cardinals in a battle of the undefeateds last night. Rutgers' last-minute field goal sealed the 28-25 win, and sent 44,000 screaming fans onto the field.

The Scarlet Knights are now 9-0 and legitimate contenders for the national title. Wow.

Happy Birthday, Jarheads!

Today it the birthday of the United States Marine Corps. If you see a Marine today, wish him a happy one.

Hey, Kids! What Time Is it?

After the elections, this country is in desperate need of the funny. Thus, I am initializing yet another edition of Q&A. No question is off limits . . . except those of a political nature. Those will be ignored. Otherwise, submit your questions in the comments section, and I'll have your answers up by Saturday at the latest.

Finally, I'm 1st In Something Important!

Rachel sent me an e-mail with a kickass little tidbit about SYLG:

This blog is number one on Google searches for "Will skate for food."

Nice!

Concrete Blonde

Okay, so I'm not a blonde. Big deal. However, after yesterday, my legs feel like concrete, and this was the only catchy title I could come up with. Last night, our hockey team played a game with only seven skaters. (For those of you out of the hockey loop, a team plays with five skaters at a time.) Factor in three fifteen-minute periods, and you can imagine how my teammates and I feel today.

Unfortunately for us, this team was not too good. I say unfortunately because if we had three more skaters, we probably would have spanked these toads by five or six goals. As it is, after leading the game 3-1, we ended up losing by a score of 5-4. It was not for a lack of effort, trust me.

I was at the game with Randal, Badger, Fish, and three other skaters, along with our goaltender, Boris. Vinnie had work commitments in New Hampshire, and missed all of the fun. (He was probably secretly meeting Finnish hockey babe Emma Laaksonen up there.) When the game started, we came out fighting and scored first. About halfway through the first period, though, many of us ran out of gas. We were icing the puck just for the fifteen second break. It was uglier than I am.

The second period started and we were exhausted from the onset. Thankfully, the refs - about whom we rarely complain - were brutal. It's as if we were the only ones on the ice doing stupid things. Well, I did a stupid thing, and received my first penalty in two seasons.

We were shorthanded, and the puck was behind our net. I was covering players down low, when my guy got free. The player behind the net passed it to him for what would be an easy goal. I couldn't let that happen, so I put my hands together, and with all of my might slammed him in the chest. The guy - who was a lot taller than me, noticed later - fell down like a bag of dirt. Not too happy, he slashed me in the shin guards. Here's what followed:

Toad: "F**king a**hole!"
Me: "Yeah, yeah."

Ref: "Blue, number 99, two minutes, roughing."
Me: "Come on, ref!"

Ref: "You're kidding, right? You crushed that guy."
Me: "No. I know that, but he slashed me after the play. Where's his penalty?"

Ref: "Take a seat."
Me: "Dang."

I almost needed directions to the sin bin, because I hadn't seen it in such a long while. Luckily for me, we killed the penalty, so the infraction was definitely worth it. Randal even yelled, "Nice check!" (It's a no-check league.) Oh well, what are ya gonna do?

It was a good effort on our part, and Randal, Badger, and Fish played terrific hockey. Me? Not so much. Our next game is Wednesday night at 10:10pm.

A Make-Up Call

Since I disgusted the public with two pictures of Nancy Shrew in a row, I figured I needed to do some Penance. And, since I am about to walk out the door to my hockey game, what better penance than Shania Twain in hockey regalia?

This Is An "Omen"

On the night that Nancy “Shrew” Pelosi captured the position of Speaker of the House; the Pennsylvania Daily Number (lottery) was “666.”
Co-inky-dink? I think not.

Congratulations, America!

It's early, but it looks like the Dummycrats are going to win the Senate and the House. And this shriveled shrew will be your new Speaker. Tighten your budgets, kids! The Tax Woman is coming to get ya! Those of you who didn't vote should be ashamed of yourselves.
May God have mercy on our souls!

A Deal's A Deal

Well, I assume Fmragtops stopped by Prison Break Central last night, so I am here to remind everyone that Blogs for House is up and running. Give them a look-see, will ya? Thanks!

Philadelphia: We're #1

Number one for voting irregularity and outright fraud, that is. Today a legitimate poll watcher was blocked from entering a polling place by a Democrat volunteer who later said (on camera):

"We're telling everyone to vote a straight Democratic ticket."

Or how about this story from my old police district:

"CBS 3 - PHILADELPHIA: Authorities are investigating several claims of voter intimidation in Philadelphia on Election Day.

Officials said approximately a dozen claims were filed stating they were being interfered with as they entered the D and Clearfield polling place in Kensington.

In the 19th Ward, several complaints were filed regarding voters being told who to vote for."

(FYI - These areas primarily vote for Democratic candidates.)

Not to be outdone, the Philly suburb of Lower Merion took the cake:

"PoliticsPA sources say CBS-3 has film footage of Benjamin Eisner, husband of PA-6 candidate Lois Murphy, assaulting a Jim Gerlach volunteer outside of their home polling location in Lower Merion this morning. CBS-3 has not decided whether to air the footage. Eisner was upset a Gerlach for Congress sign was in a camera shot with his wife prior to voting, and grabbed the volunteer."

(FYI - Murphy is the Democrat challenger.)

Can anyone really trust any election results (Democratic or Republican) coming from this political cesspool of a town?