A Few Disney Vacation Impressions

First of all, I want to apologize to everyone - especially my cohorts at Blogs4Bauer, since I am a week behind in my viewership and cannot LiveBlog tonight - for being such a slacker the last day or so. After arriving from Florida on Saturday afternoon, I came home, sorted through the e-mails, and crashed. On Sunday, we held lacrosse practice because this week's three games will determine if my guys will make the playoffs for the first time in school history. On Sunday night, we began our ice hockey semifinal matchup against the Storm. After blowing a two-goal lead in the second period, we came back to win with 1:04 left in the game.

Today, I started day work, and went straight from work to our lacrosse game. We got spanked 6-2, but are still alive in the playoff hunt - it just got a little more difficult now. By the time I get home to blog, it is almost 9pm. I promise things will get better after this hectic week.

Any hoo, while walking around the Happiest Place on Earth - and no, Vinnie, it's not the nudie bar - I had a few epiphanies. To wit:

1. Women with British accents automatically get bumped up two notches on the 1-10 scale. An average woman becomes much more attractive when she speaks with that accent.

2. Women with Southern accents automatically get bumped up three notches on the 1-10 scale. An average-looking woman was on the bus with us, and was pronouncing "him" as "hay-im." God, I loved that!

3. A lot of fat people - besides me - visit Walt Disney World. Unlike me, these people find it necessary to wear clothes that are either much too tight, or so skimpy that their man-boobs spill out. Gross.

4. Where else but Disney can you lose your cell phone and have it returned to you unmolested? I lost my cell - which is my lifeline anymore - on one of the roller coasters. After an hour or so of panic, and a call to Verizon to suspend my account, I figured it was gone forever. When we were leaving the Magic Kingdom, I decided to check at the main entrance to see if anyone turned it in. Sure enough, the phone was there seven hours later, with no additional charges. Keen! Somehow, I doubt that would happen in Philly . . .

5. I was unimpressed with the actress playing Belle in the parks. A washed-out brunette is no match for a stunning redhead - such as the actress playing Belle in 2000. Of course, Mary Poppins was no slouch . . .

I Wonder If Tony Stewart Loves Tom Cruise, Too?

You just gotta love NASCAR driver Tony Stewart; he is terrific blog fodder. The man who always says the dumbest things at the most inappropriate times pulled another boner last weekend when he claimed that NASCAR races are rigged. Because it is so easy to manipulate 43 drivers and their cars to a desired result, right Tony? Hell, I think Kyle Busch's Talladega accident was caused by a sniper shooting out his tires!

That's why I like Jeff Gordon. He is usually the voice of reason. Of course, he can be the voice of humor at times, too. Say what you want about Gordon; the man can be pretty funny when he wants to be. Read on, Macduffs . . .

Tony Stewart, driver of the Home Depot Chevrolet NASCAR NEXTEL Cup car, accused NASCAR of improper officiating during Nextel Cup races.

Stewart, one of only two multiple champions racing full-time (Jeff Gordon), even compared NASCAR to professional wrestling. "It's about the integrity of the sport," Stewart said. "When I feel our own sanctioning body isn't taking care of that, it's hard to support them and feel proud about being a driver in the Nextel Cup Series. I guess NASCAR thinks, 'Hey wrestling worked, and it was for the most part staged, so I guess it's going to work in racing, too.'"

NASCAR levied a $10,000.00 fine for Stewart's lack of face time after the race last week, which was warranted. They DID NOT fine him for his comments.

"He's like the Rosie O'Donnell of NASCAR," four-time series champion Jeff Gordon said. "Controversy is something that he's used to. To me, it brings a flavor to the sport." (H/T - The Post Chronicle)

Now, THAT'S funny! Of course, judging by Tony's recent expansion of girth, one has to wonder if the Rosie comparison is due to his outspoken manner, or his penchant for Ring Dings.

Chutes And Ladders

Congratulations go out to Denny from First In!, who topped 6,000 readers today! Sure, he fires up his still-unfinished hot rod at all hours of the day and night, and usually refers to me as Detective Donut, but he's still a good guy.

Why not stop by and congratulate him before he wrecks his template again?

"77" Sunset Strip

Yeah, that's Jeff Gordon in front . . . as usual. HA!

Jeff Gordon was today's Aaron's 499 at the Talladega Superspeedway. It was his second win in a row, and the 77th of his career, putting him past the late, great Dale Earnhardt's career total of 76. He took the victory on what would have been The Intimidator's birthday.

And I picked him to start in my fantasy league today. Cha-ching!

Love him or hate him - and I know a lot of people hate him - Jeff Gordon is one of the greatest drivers in NASCAR history. Oh, and did I mention he's still leading the point standings? HA!

Editor's Note: The results for the April 20 Caption Contest were never posted. I'll post them (and this past Friday's results) sometime on Monday evening.

Well, I'm Back

And after a week in Walt Disney World with a party of eleven, I'm exhausted. The only reason I am still awake is because I have been reading/deleting 218 e-mails. Cripes, people! I was on vacation! Any hoo, I have lots of good blog fodder and vacation stories, but they'll have to wait until tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a picture for Vinnie - we made it to the second round of the hockey playoffs while I was away - that I took in Epcot Norway.

I'll bet the redhead on the left gives him Norwegian wood. Heh, heh, "wood."

Have We Been Misled?!?!?

(Click pic to hugify!)
Is Wyatt really in Florida, or is he working undercover in an Ohio Walmart store?

Hmmmmmm.

You make the call...

Weekend Caption Contest

Sister Virginia Maria, of the Daughters of Mary Mother of Our Lord, plays field hockey with some of her students during recess at the St. PIUS V School in Melville.

(Newsday/Jim Peppler)

Other Current Contests
Bullwinkle Blog
The Gone Rick Motel
Cowboy Blob
Bagel Blogger
Rodney Dill
Right Pundits

Top 5 Entries:
5. Remember when they used to use rulers to smack your knuckles? - Dr. Phat Tony
4. Sister Mary Margaret showing a young Wyatt how to execute a slap shot. Sadly in the next game Wyatt was ridiculed so much for wearing the habit that he had to leave the game. - Sssteve
3. Jesus saves! Passes to Moses, who parts the defense! He shoots, he scores! - Cowboy Blob
2. Just another Penguins fan. - Rodney Dill

WINNER! Jesus saves!!! - The Man

Time to Cut the Vacation Short.

Wyatt leaves and everything goes to heck in a handbasket...

Philly Struggles With Rising Murder Rate

PHILADELPHIA (AP) - A bloody, bullet-filled weekend left 11 people dead across the city, where drugs and disrespect have trumped brotherly love and the murder rate is on pace to be the highest in a decade.
...

The spike over the weekend was partly blamed on the first warm weather of the season. But rain or shine, Philadelphia police say the chronic problems remain the same: poverty, lax gun laws and a culture of intimidation that keeps witnesses silent and leaves shooters on the streets.

And Wyatt's on vacation.
Coincidence? Methinks not.

And then there's this:

Philadelphia Firefighters Tackle Six-Alarmer

Firefighters were watering down the last sputtering embers of a massive six-alarm fire that boke out in a warehouse near the Tacony-Palmyra Bridge early Tuesday morning.

At this rate, Philly is going to be a smoldering pile of ash, corpses, and burnt doughnuts by tomorrow.

WYATT COME BACK NOW!!!
As a public service!

Think of the children!!!

Where in the World is Wyatt

Contrary to some rumors, Wyatt is NOT interviewing Rosie to replace him on this website.

The adventures of Flat Stanley

Flat Stanley recently spent a day with Jack Bauer! Check out Blogs4Bauer for the first part of his adventure.

Where in the world is Wyatt?

"You ought to go to Philly and you will appreciate how clean New Orleans is. Just go and walk around Philly a little bit and you will appreciate. . . . We still have some work to do, but we definitely beat them by a long shot."
-New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin (4/21)

I suppose after hearing that, Wyatt first agreed thinking Mayor Nagin was talking about the Phillies. However soon it became clear that Nagin was not talking about the first sport franchise to ever clear 10,000 losses. No, the man who is the mayor of New Orleans just called the entire city of Philadelphia, dirty. New Orleans. Nagin. Really?

While Wyatt may be in Disney, it is only a short 639 mile drive to New Orleans where we assume that Wyatt met up with Nagin.

"I intended no disrespect to the city of Philadelphia," - Nagin (4/23)

Nagin also mentioned that he was sorry for saying that he disliked Ginos Cheese Steaks and preferred a more chocolate cheese steak.

The Phillies still suck.

Really, honey, I love poetry

So, tell me. How many of the male readers at SYLG would ever go see a movie about a poet (without a gun at your head)? My guess is zero. If your wife or girlfriend asked, you would probably swallow a bottle of Drano before allowing yourself to be roped into that.

"What could possibly be more boring than a movie about a guy who writes poetry," you're probably thinking.

Unless the poet was Dylan Thomas. You see, the movie that Lindsay Lohan quit, the one with the ménage a trois, the one that now has Sienna Miller in the cast,

is a movie about a poet.

The biggest irony of all in this is thinking of some big dumb guy who now desperately wants to see this movie, begging his wife to go see what might seem like a chick flick at first glance. She'll wonder why her husband who has never volunteered to go see any movie without guns or comic book heroes suddenly wants to see a movie about a poet. Let's hope for his sake, that she doesn't find out about that scene before the tickets are bought.

Where in the world is Wyatt?

Sure Wyatt would like you to think he's in Disney this week. Whatever Wyatt, we all know where you REALLY went.

Germany! Here is the photographic evidence. However, he could just be in the Germany portion of Epcot.

A drunk German horse rider rode into a bank foyer to sleep for the night, after having one too many for the road during a stopover at his local beergarden.

(Source - Metro)

On Breatkthroughs and Epiphanies

While we generally leave poo-posts to Dr. Phat Tony, I couldn't pass this one up...

You know, usually when you hear about a breakthrough, it's good news.

However, being the conscientious guy that I am, I thought I would try Cheryl Crow's advice about using one square of toilet paper per sitting, to save the planet.

And then I had a breakthrough. And it was not good news.

I also had a moment of clarity and enlightenment at the same time; now I know another reason hippies smell like crap.

Stoopid, smelly hippies...

Belated Happy Birthday, Wyatt!

I missed it by one day. I blame Al Gore.

Meh, he won't read this until he gets back anyway...Let's hope they serve Guinness in Disney...

Live Blogging 24

I will be liveblogging 24 over at Blogs4Bauer tonight.

Click Here to join the discussion.

Where Is Wyatt?

Wyatt SAYS he's on vacation, but I wonder...
Maybe he's on a covert mission to smite hippies and clueless liberals!

One can only hope.
Maybe he should start with this moronic asshat:

Dennis Kucinich.




Dig the peace sign? Yeah, he's in it to win, alright.

He's such a pu**y, I'm going to start calling him Denise instead of Dennis (with my sincerest apologies to normal women named Denise).

I'll give Denise credit, however, he is one of the few Dimocrats that has the ovaries to say what he really wants.

Oh if only the Lizard Queen and B. Hussein would be honest and come on board with Denise.
Preach on, Kuci!!

Denise's platform:

1. Create a cabinet level Department of Peace and Nonviolence - Taxpayer funded bongs and shag carpets on the office walls included!

2. Create a a universal not-for-profit health care system which would not only cover all necessary health care (including primary, long-term, prescription drugs, vision care) at NO extra cost
- It's the Algore 2000 platform again - FREE, FREE, FREE!!! YAY!!

3. (This is a real vote-getter here)
A ban on hand guns - Now how is Wyatt going to stop Philly doughnut bandits? With a sharp stick and a nail file?

Stoopid hippies.
Any way, hopefully we'll be hearing a report that poor Denise was found run over with the tire tracks looking suspiciously like tracks from a Saturn.

Go get em Wyatt!!!
Uhhh... I mean have a good vacation! ;)

Was Gary Coleman Busy?

Actor Jimmie 'J.J.' Walker of the television series "Good Times" and columnist Ann Coulter pose as they arrive together for the taping of the 5th Annual TV Land Awards in Santa Monica, California April 14, 2007.

Top 5 comments overheard while this photo was taken:
5. "You are such a has been"
4. Ann: "Is it true what they say about black men? They really do dig me?"
3. "When they told me that I would be standing here with an African-American star who made his living on camera, I expected Al Sharpton"
2. "Bitch...." "Ho..."
1. "Ann Coulter just called me a nappy headed ho, Dyno-mite!"

Got others? Post them in the comments.
(Source - Reuters)

People I Hate

With Wyatt in Disney, I'm sure he will come back with a Central-Florida themed PIH segment. Until then, here are a couple people that I cannot stand.


The Guy Who Prompted The Weber Grill Company to Affix a Warning to Not Operate the Grill Indoors
As I fired up the grill to do some cedar plank grilling of some Salmon. Hey, after all it's Earth Day and I wanted to taste a little of what she had to offer. Well back to the grill. I noticed that the grill had a warning that read "grill is for outdoor use only".
I don't want to know about the lawsuit that prompted them to create that warning sticker. However, I'd like to meet the guy who thought it was a good idea to wheel the grill inside in the first place. Did the steaks come out nice or did the house burn down before they were done?

Joe Morgan
I love baseball and I love watching the New York-Boston series. However if Joe Morgan is the announcer, I'd rather listen to NPR's broadcast of the game. Tonight, ESPN brought in the feed from a set of Japanese announcers, one was a man and one was a female. It was really obvious, however Joe had to open his mouth and let this bit of info drop out.

"One was a man and obviously the other was a woman".

My brain is still trying to get that stupid statement out of my head, but I cannot shake it. As you can tell because I'm missing the game so I can post about it and this is only making me think about that comment even more. Damn you Joe Morgan! One day when I'm on my deathbed, I'll probably see Jesus...some light and that comment will still be bugging the hell out of me. Why did he say that? Why?

You know what? I bet Joe Morgan likes to grill steaks....indoors.

I also hate the Boston Red Sox.

Dress Up Obama

Looking to get active in politics? Tired of all that sunshine outside?

Then try out Dress Up Obama.

I made my Obama look like Strong Bad with a Knicks jersey. What does your Obama look like?

And I'm still struggling with the math...

Don't mind me while I jump in here. I know a day without at least one post would kill Wyatt. Just don't ask how I got here... ;)

Lindsay Lohan pulls out of film threesome

That title would be much more ironic if it were referring to a guy.

Lindsay Lohan has seemingly pulled out of a film threesome with Keira Knightley.

I've always thought threesomes involve three people. What am I missing here?

The actress failed to appear on set this week to start shooting new movie 'The Best Times Of Our Lives' - in which she was to take part in a steamy ménage a trois with Keira.

At least the title was fitting. I think most men in America would agree that a ménage a trois with Keira Knightley and Lindsay Lohan would be amongst 'The Best Times Of Our Lives'. Actually, most men would probably consider a ménage a trois with any two women a pretty good day.

Lindsay, 20 is reportedly unhappy with the terms of her contract. A source told Life and Style magazine, "She didn't back out and the producers didn't pull the deal, but there were changes that weren't to her liking, and that was that."

And all over American, hearts of men are breaking...


Remulak, on the other hand, is breathing a sigh of relief and waiting anxiously to see who takes her place.

Weekend Caption Contest

Russian Into Custody Caption Contest
(Source: AFP)

"Under arrest : Police arrest an opposition activist in central Moscow during a crackdown on a banned protest in central Moscow.(AFP/Alexander Nemenov)"

Other Current Contests:
Cowboy Blob
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
Wizbang

Top 10 Entries:
10. Soldiers demonstrate self-exams. - RT
9. This is why I don't crowd surf. - Big White Hat
8. Desperate for new conscripts, the Russian Army resorts to infiltrating mosh pits. - John D
7. No! Not the Gerbils! - Dennis
6. No! No! Please! Don't feed me to Britney! Aaagghh! - Ator
5. Wyatt getting thrown into the baggage hold on the way back from Disney! - Captain Den
4. Lay off the taint comrade. - The Man
3. Oh my God, it's a snuke! - Roland
2. This is the only way they could throw Sanjaya off American Idol. - Pandy

WINNER! "Carbon Offsets is people!" - Rodney Dill

Breaking News!

(H/T - Uncle Ray)

Gimme A Ticket For An Aeroplane . . .

The Sinister Six. Your SYLG guest hosts for the next seven days.

As I mentioned earlier this week, my in-laws are taking my family and my brother-in-law’s family to Walt Disney World this week. The seven-day extravaganza begins on Saturday, which means that although I could conceivably have internet access, I am not going to seek it out.

“Well, gosh, Wyatt. Whatever will we do without SYLG? Who will entertain us?”

Good question. Luckily, I have amassed the greatest hive of scum and villainy this side of the Mos Eisley Spaceport to guest blog in my absence. The roll call reads like a Who’s Who of the blogosphere: The Man, RFTR, Fmragtops, JimmyB, Sssteve, and Uber. I shall call them The Sinister Six. You shall call them your new masters of entertainment.

Please give them the attention and respect that you give me. And by that I mean call them racist neo-cons who couldn’t hit funny if they fell out of a boat. What’s the matter? That’s what people say about me!

Any hoo, I’ll be thinking of you while I am spending my birthday in Cinderella’s Castle. Maybe she can give me a birthday lap dance. And, God forbid, if something bad goes down on the flight, make sure you avenge me.

AVENGE ME!!!

People I Hate

Wow, it's been a hell of a week. Thankfully, yours truly will be vacationing in (hopefully) sunny Orlando, Florida all next week - more on that tomorrow - so this will be my last PIH until May. I hope you enjoy this edition, because I am really in one of those typical Wyatt moods.

Philadelphia Mayor John F. (the cops) Street

The November elections cannot come soon enough. Mayor Assclown was holding a press conference on Tuesday about the Philadelphia School System - in a word, it's an abortion - when someone asked him about the Virginia Tech Bloodbath. During one of his boring, rambling responses, he was asked if he would consider placing Philadelphia police officers in the city's schools. Here's what he said:

"If we put armed Philadelphia police officers into the city's schools . . . with Glocks that carry 19 rounds . . . in 90 days someone is gonna get shot! Glocks with 19 rounds! I know I wouldn't want my kids in that school!"

Please choose the best description that fits this diatribe:

A. Mayor John Street believes that if Philadelphia police officers are placed into the schools, they will use deadly force against unruly teenagers within three months.

B. Mayor John Street is too stupid/ignorant to know the capacity (in rounds) of his city-owned weapons. The answer, by the way, is 18. Seventeen in the magazine, and one in the chamber.

C. Mayor John Street is the worst mayor in American history.

D. All of the above.

Now, in fairness, this is not an exact quote, but it's pretty close. I heard the audio on Dom Giordano's radio program Tuesday night, but no one in the local media even mentioned it. I know; you are all shocked. The fact of the matter is that as Street's corruption-laced two-term run is about to end, he has shown nothing but contempt for the police officers and firefighters of this city. Hell, he didn't even have time to make my promotion ceremony, where close to 200 police officers were promoted to various ranks, even though the event took place about fourteen blocks from City Hall . . . and two blocks from his residence!

The November elections cannot come soon enough.

Sanjaya Malakar

Let me preface this rant by stating that I have never seen an entire episode of American Idol. I just don't get the appeal. Having said that, you'd have to be a hermit to not hear anything about it. Or, if you're like me, you get to read about the jackass contestants the show seems to produce in droves. Like Sanjaya, for instance.

NEW YORK - Sanjaya Malakar, the under-talented but unflappable singer who horrified and captivated millions in his improbable "American Idol" run, was finally voted off the show Wednesday night. When the result was announced, Malakar wiped away tears and got a big hug from LaKisha Jones, the next lowest vote-getter. "I'm fine," he told Ryan Seacrest. "It was an amazing experience." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Can we please stop with this no-talent clod now? It was a riot when people were voting for this reincarnation of William Hung - which would have been my pr0n name - but after a while I was sick of hearing about it. There are enough untalented people in this world, like Denny for example. Heh. You had a nice run, Sanjaya. Now get back to the Quik-E-Mart.

Tony Frakkin' Stewart

I despise this piece of detritus. He's a fat, sarcastic wiseass. God, I hate people like that!

* Hold on, while I dodge this lightning*

But even a scumbag like Tony Stewart can have a redeeming value. The former NASCAR champ recently stated this after Sunday's race in Texas:

"I'm ready to retire as soon as I can get enough money saved where I can retire, I'd be more than happy to step away."

And I'd be more than happy to see you go. Don't let the restrictor plate hit you in the ass, you fat putz!

A Miss Blogs4Bauer Update

Round 2 is currently underway, and the final eight contestants have been announced:


Kim Bauer
Mandy
Nadia Yassir
Martha Logan
Nina Myers
Teri Bauer
Marilyn Bauer
Chloe O'Brian


The opening battle in Round 2 is the titanic matchup pitting Kim Bauer versus Mandy. Make sure to stop by and cast your vote!

Please Don't Feed The Pandy

By the time you read this, Pandy from What Panda? will have reached hit #10,000. (I was hoping to be the lucky winner, but when I just checked, she was at 9,998.) Luckily, Pandy wrote the Bible of Snark, which I use as the main reference for SYLG's posts, and is taking this milestone in her usual sarcastic manner.

In celebration of this momentous occasion, she is determined to get knocked up . . . again.

Congratulations, Pandy!

Go, Speed Racer, Go!

Governor Corzine with his ex-wife at Chim Chim's bar mitzvah.

It appears New Jersey Governor John Corzine has some 'splaining to do. Apparently, he likes to mimic Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell's driving habits.

Corzine's Car Was Going 91 MPH Before Crash

The SUV carrying Gov. Jon Corzine was traveling about 91 MPH moments before it crashed, New Jersey state police superintendent Col. Rick Fuentes said Tuesday.

The governor was critically injured when the vehicle crashed into a guardrail on the Garden State Parkway just north of Atlantic City last week (see related story). He apparently was not wearing his seat belt as he rode in the front passenger's seat (see related story).

The speed limit along that stretch of the parkway is 65 mph.

The state trooper-driven sport utility vehicle was in the left lane with its emergency lights flashing when a pickup tried to get out of its way. Instead, it set off a chain reaction that resulted in the crash.

Corzine's list of injuries was extensive: he broke his left thigh bone, a dozen ribs, his collarbone and his chest bone. He also fractured a vertebra in his lower back. He remained in critical but stable condition on Tuesday, and doctors were assessing when he might be ready to breathe without a ventilator (see related story). (H/T - KYW)

Actually, considering Corzine's brilliantly devised tax-the-electorate-back-to-the-Stone-Age policy, he has more in common with that idiot Rendell than one would think.

After this debacle, I am sure that Corzine and his driver will receive the same penalties as Rendell did when he was speeding along the PA Turnpike: not a one. I reckon it's good to be The King.

Giuseppe Petri Wants To Say Hello

Happy now, Kitty?

Boogity, Boogity, Boogity!

In light of the heated debate that ignited the below post, I figured everyone needed to cool off a little. Obviously, the only way to do so is by showing a hot babe: Leslie Bibb from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Enjoy!

The Virginia Tech Massacre: A Snarky Retrospective

Editor's Note: If you're a fan of the usual snark and sarcasm found here at SYLG, be forewarned: I may piss a lot of you off today. As usual, I won't lose any sleep over it.

Yesterday's Virginia Tech "massacre" - I prefer "bloodbath" or "32 accidental discharges" - is dominating today's news. And I'm already sick of it. Simply stated, I don't care. But, if we get All VT All The Time like we did with Columbine, I'm gonna go on a rampage!

Anyway, the piece of detritus on the left is Cho Seung-Hui; the architect of the mass murder. Born in South Korea, Cho emigrated to the States in 1992.

A note believed to have been written by Cho was found in his dorm room that railed against "rich kids," "debauchery" and "deceitful charlatans" on campus.

Oh, I get it. Like the Duke lacrosse miscarriage, Cho was trying to settle up with "Whitey?" Is anyone buying that . . . besides the liberal media, that is? I always love it when gun-toting loners drip hypocrisy off their bandoleers. According to the articles I have read, Cho's parents owned a dry cleaning business. The family probably busted their humps to make their livings, but don't for one second that Cho wasn't one of those aforementioned "rich kids!"

As for the "debauchery," Cho had a girlfriend. What, are we supposed to believe that they sat in their dorm rooms and played with their protractors all day? Please.

Besides, everyone knows that Cho began his rampage after getting a "B" in math.

Professor Carolyn Rude, chairwoman of the university's English department, said she did not personally know the gunman. But she said she spoke with Lucinda Roy, the department's director of creative writing, who had Cho in one of her classes and described him as "troubled." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Thanks to heroic Americans like Professor Rude - that should be my pen name if I ever land a teaching gig - and Lucinda Roy, this would-be incident of domestic terrorism was nipped in the bud. What's that? They didn't report it to anyone? Oh, never mind. Plug the Death-O-Meter back in, boys, the broads never told anyone!

Of course, as with any lone gunman rampage, the liberal weenies are coming out of the woodwork crying about gun control. Cho was allegedly using a Glock, a nice choice. It's a good pistol, and almost never jams. Hell, I'm surprised an Asian was such a good shot! But I digress. What the gun control libtards will never understand is that if someone - anyone - had a handgun on the campus, maybe the Death-O-Meter would have been stopped after 3 or 4. The fact of the matter is that on a sprawling campus like Virginia Tech, no amount of security and/or police will be able to cover the area of a roaming attack.

Look, this incident was a damned shame. But let's not get all needlessly bent over it. Thirty-two corpses in one incident is a nice number, but in three-and-a-half months here in Philly, we've had 114 homicides. In my opinion, Blacksburg, Virginia is still small potatoes.

Oops, I almost forgot. Let's pray for the victims and their families, blah, blah, blah.

Shameless Self-Promotion

Stats As Big As Texas!

Well, if I learned nothing else from this week's Yahoo! Fantasy NASCAR competition, I learned that picking the race winner - and a bunch of scrubs - won't do you much good. Only Cookeville Engineers, Carl Edwards Is Hot, and Hillbilly Horsepower had worse weeks than my dumb ass. Damn.

For some bizarre reason, I picked Jeff Burton - whom I would like to throw out of an airlock - to win. He did, much to my chagrin. Oh, I was elated at his point totals, but seeing Fox splatter Burton's annoying/beat-in-the-face wife for the last ten laps almost made me shoot my TV.

Of course, Randal Graves' four drivers finished 2nd, 9th, 10th, and 17th, giving him a week's point total of 312. He moves up to 7th in the standings, just behind Uncle Ray. Not bad, Buckwheat.

RT had a better week than me - by four measly points - and is up to 8th in the standings. jLow is in the cellar. Hopefully, it is drier than mine right now.

The Godfather and Rachel had another great week, and the two are running away together, er, running away with the lead. Crap. Now I have to listen to their gloating all week. Next week, the drivers are in Rachel's neck of the woods: Phoenix.

BTW, the Caption Contest results are posted below!

It's Funny Because It's True

Paging Noah

In case you haven't heard, most of the eastern seaboard has been crushed by a nor'easter since Saturday evening. Philadelphia, especially, is getting it's proverbial ass kicked by this storm. After two days of rain, we awoke to find it snowing outside - on April 16. I wonder if this is all part of Al Gore's Global Warming Plan?

The fierce nor'easter that dumped more than four inches of rain on the Philadelphia region yesterday promised high winds, rising rivers, and up to six inches of snow in the mountains today, meteorologists said. (The Philadelphia Inquirer)

Thanks to Gods' inescapable wrath, my inner sanctum - our full-finished basement - has flooded.

We have a slight crack in our foundation, and occasionally get leaks when the city gets a continuous torrential rainfall. The leak in the foundation is in our laundry room, so the drywall is unaffected, but the water seems from the leak into the carpet, and spreads into the basement area. We had to borrow my mother-in-law's wet-dry vac and her carpet shampooer to suck up all of the water.

We have been doing this (non-stop) since 3pm yesterday afternoon.

I finally took a break for sleep at 4am, and the missus awoke at 6am to take over. Unfortunately for us, it is still raining, and the water is still coming in at a fairly steady pace. Hopefully, we'll be dry before Saturday, when we are scheduled to leave for a week's vacation in Disney World. (Don't worry, I have a list of kickass substitute posters to cover my absence.)

So, if you're not too busy, I could use a little prayer or two to the Man Upstairs. Tell him to stop the frakkin' rain already!!!

P.S. - My fabulous basement is flooded, and yet I am not demanding government relief, nor am I blaming President Bush. Just thought you should know.

Vinnie Antonelli: American Hero

Sometimes in life, you are fortunate enough to run across a man of honor, integrity, and stick-to-itiveness. A man who seems superhuman, yet is composed of flesh and blood. A man whose desire to win is only overshadowed by his hustle.

A man like Vincent Antonelli.

Last night, we opened our hockey league playoffs against 32 Degrees. When we last played against them, we shut them out by a score of 9-0. That score belied their talent, for 32 Degrees is a good squad. We were hungry - for a win, only I was hungry for Chee-tos - and wanted to start the post-season off with a strong showing. (Our 15-8 record had us finishing in third place.) The team hit the ice ready to play.

Except no one told 32 Degrees.

We played like hell, skating about as fast as Michael Moore after an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. We had no spark, no hustle, and it showed. After the first period, we were down 1-0.

Enter Vincent Antonelli.

Even at 5'11", Vinnie is a fireplug on the ice. Last night, he was rolling thunder, driving rain. During a scrum in front of the opposing goaltender, Vinnie - who was playing right wing - parked himself in front of the crease. The puck came to him, and as he was being rubbed out by a defenseman, deftly steered the puck past the goaltender. 32 Degrees - 1, Harrigan's - 1.

The period ended with our teams tied at one apiece, and Vinnie looked like he was getting a second wind - as if he used up all of his first! Our team took Vin's example, and kicked it up a notch. We scored another "hustle goal" to take the lead in the third - a goal that was set up by Vinnie's pass - then Vinnie scored his second goal (and third point of the night) after busting his hump in front of the crease. One insurance goal later, we took Game 1 by a score of 4-1.

With a few minutes left in the game, Vinnie looked at me, and said, "Take my shift. I'm done." I thought he was just resting on his laurels, but he later told me that he strained his groin earlier in the night. Damn.

And I can't score when I'm completely healthy.

Editor's Note: Since Vin had such a terrific game, I figured I would reward him with more fabulous babes!

Party Of Five

Is anyone else completely drained from last week? Between the Imus debacle, Pelosi's jet-setting, Iran's saber rattling, and the Duke lacrosse case, I am spent. Thus, I wanted to post something mindless today - as opposed to all of the other times I post philosophical works of art - and a simple List Post is just the thing. Consider it my contribution to the dumbing down of America.

Five CD's You Wouldn't Think I'd Own

5. The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Soundtrack.
4. Shakespeare's Sister: Hormonally Yours.
3. Public Enemy: Apocalypse 91 . . . The Enemy Strikes Black.
2. The Best of B.B. King.
1. Frank Sinatra: The Best of the Capitol Years.

Five Not-So-Hot Women I Think Are Kinda Hot

5. Oksana Baiul.
4. Lindsay Lohan.
3. Liv Tyler.
2. Mary Lynn Rajskub.
1. Rebecca Lobo.

Five Things I Really Suck At

5. Basketball. I am King of the Bricks.
4. Home Improvement. I don't know a hammer from a pair of pliers.
3. Golf. If I break 110, it's a very good day.
2. Public Speaking. I'd be more comfortable sleeping with Rosie O'Donnell.
1. Ice Hockey. In 25 games this season, I have 6 points. Ouch.

Five Things I Am Really Good At

5. Sarcasm. Nobody does it better.
4. Video games. I am still a child at heart.
3. Shooting. My worst qualification score ever is a 94.
2. Bar Shuffleboard. This year, my co-worker Rob and I are undefeated.
1. Trivia. I am chock full o' useless knowledge . . . and Twinkies!

Philly Firefighter Endorses Killing Cops

It sickens me that this person works alongside some members of my department.

By day, Rodney Jean Jaques is a firefighter in Mount Airy. He's supposed to be one of the good guys. But Jaques, 30, has suddenly landed himself in some serious hot water with the city's Finest, thanks to another song he created with his rapping alter-ego. The hard-driving untitled song, which surfaced on the Internet earlier this week, features lyrics that clearly encourage cop-killing.

"I got a surprise for them cops," Jaques raps, as gunfire erupts in the middle of the song. "I hope the news is taping this, 'cause I'm gonna turn pigs into bacon bits."

On his MySpace.com page - which touts him as "Akbar the Great" - Jaques lists his interests as "drinking cognac, handguns, assault rifles . . . driving fast, sex and any activity that I can get adreneline rush from."

Jaques is stationed at Engine 9 on Germantown Avenue near Carpenter Lane. That same fire station made headlines last year when a black firefighter allegedly put a white pillowcase with eye holes and the initials, "KKKAFFA," in his supervisor's locker. (H/T - The Philadelphia Daily News)

Despicable. A local Fox News reporter caught up with this individual at his home for an interview. Jaques claimed that he never rapped these lyrics. Instead, it was his character "Akbar" who did so. Somehow, if I posted about killing firefighters on SYLG, I doubt I'll be able to hide behind the "Wyatt Earp" moniker. While I do not necessarily think this man should be fired from his job - especially for practicing the free speech privileges that everyone (especially a blogger like myself) enjoys - I also do not think that he should be let off the hook in this case.

Unfortunately, after considering the Philadelphia Fire Department's history of discipline, if Jaques gets a verbal reprimand, I will be completely shocked.

Note: There has been an online petition created to have this moron fired from the Philadelphia Fire Department. If you care to sign it, it can be found HERE.

* Denny at First In! also comments on his co-worker/thug HERE.

At Least We'll Be Able To See The Fireball

It appears that Philadelphia City Hall could be the first municipal building to be blasted into orbit. I swear, I think the bosses in my department are getting dumber by the day . . .

Inspectors Find Ammo On 7th Floor, In basement.

ON THE SEVENTH floor of City Hall, near where office workers conduct city business and in a room without fire sprinklers or smoke alarms, the Police Department has been amassing gun ammunition for decades in violation of the fire code.

The Fire Department knew nothing of the stockpile - nor had it been told about another ammunition storage area in the basement - until a fire inspector decided to survey the 105-year-old building for fire hazards last summer.

Fire inspectors were more concerned to discover more than 800 pounds of small-arms ammunition, mostly bullets and magazine rounds, in Room 715 - on the same floor as administrative offices, Ayers said. (H/T - The Philadelphia Daily News)

Unfortunately, I am torn by which organization is more idiotic: Philadelphia Police Department for stockpiling tons of weapons and ammunition in a basement, or The Philadelphia Daily News, who just told the entire terrorist world about the powder keg at Broad and Market Streets.

FYI - First In! actually broke this story inadvertently, since he was the one doing the original inspection. You can read his take on the story HERE.

Huck Finn Gets A "Sharpton"

Considering the news this week, I thought this Family Guy clip was appropriate.

Weekend Caption Contest

Crocodile Handee Caption Contest
(Source: Reuters)

Other Current Contests:
Bullwinkle Blog *I won here last week!*
Cowboy Blob
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
The Gone Rick Motel
Wizbang

Top Ten Entries:
10. "Bolex? I thought it was a Rolex!" - Timmeeee
9. "And now, please join PETA in welcoming our new spokescroc!" - Pam
8. In the words of Monty Python's Black Knight: "It's just a flesh wound!" - Kitty
7. The skinned remains of Kermit the Frog were found in the Philadelphia Zoo crocodile enclosure early this morning. Police suspect foul play. - Cowboy Blob
6. After that horrible experience, the poor zookeeper went out to Taiwan on. - AJ Lynch
5. "Anybody got some floss? I ate Chinese for lunch and have some stuck in my teeth." - The Man
4. "Is it too late for sharks with friggin' lasers on their head?" - Rodney Dill
3. "I just love finger food." - Wil
2. The injured zookeeper, speaking in broken English, had apparently asked the crocodile if he wanted a HAM sandwich." - Vincent Antonelli

WINNER! - "You can arrest him now, officer, he's been unarmed." - Noreen

People I Hate

Hey, kids! What time is it? Well, if it's Thursday, that means it's PIH day. Fasten your seat belts, my friends, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Al Sharpton

Everyone's favorite rodeo clown is in full race-baiting swing; as long as his targets are Caucasian, that is. The day after the Duke lacrosse case was dropped, and the African-American accuser was was found to be inconsistent at best, and a liar at worst, the "good reverend" was doing his best to right an egregious wrong . . . by continuing his attack of radio talk show host/octogenarian fossil Don Imus.

I wonder how many train wrecks occur daily inside Al's one-track mind?

The Reverend Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson met with Moonves on Thursday to demand Imus' removal, promising a rally outside CBS headquarters Saturday and an effort to persuade more advertisers to defect.

Jackson called the firing "a victory for public decency. No one should use the public airwaves to transmit racial or sexual degradation."

Said Sharpton: "He says he wants to be forgiven. I hope he continues in that process. But we cannot afford a precedent established that the airways can commercialize and mainstream sexism and racism." (H/T - Yahoo!)

Congratulations Al, you got Don Imus fired. I hope you're proud of yourself. So, what's next for your Smear World Tour? Sorry, after the Tawana Brawley case, I guess you're sensitive to the word "smear." Will you be the champion of racism across the public airwaves? And if so, what would you say about these phrases?

"My niggas never change/They kicken it wit their gang and remain the same." (Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony, "Everyday Thang")

"Thug ass niggas that love to bust/It's strange to us" (Notorious B.I.G., "It's Strange to Us")

"Wanna grab a skinny nigga like Snoop Dogg/Cause you like it tall/and work it baby doll" (Snoop Doggy Dogg, "You Thought")

These rap lyrics (aired over the public airwaves) sound like the commercialism and acceptance of racism and sexism to me. I anxiously await your condemnation of them and the "gangsta" rappers who penned them.

Madonna

Will somebody tell me why we're still talking about this washed-up tool? Oh, now I remember; because she wants to be the new Angelina Jolie.

LONDON (AFP) - Pop star Madonna wants to adopt another Malawian child, a girl called Grace, despite a storm of controversy over her efforts to adopt a Malawian boy last year, a report said Friday.

Citing unnamed sources, the Sun tabloid in London said Madonna was intent on adopting three-year-old girl Grace after watching a documentary about a child care home for orphans in the African country. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Can anybody please give me an answer to this question: Aren't there any American children worthy of adoption? Perhaps the idea of adopting an American is gauche.

Ya know, I saw a documentary about Jessica Biel the other day. Maybe should try to adopt her!

Nancy Pelosi

Yeah, this week's edition of PIH is full of the usual suspects, but this bitch is really starting to piss me off. First, she intentionally tries to undermine the President's foreign policy by making an unauthorized trip to Syria: The Armpit of the Middle East. Now, she wants to open a dialogue with Iraq's eastern neighbor. You know, the one run by the guy who wants to eradicate Israel?

Because Holocaust deniers are always open to a nice, warm dialogue.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Rep. Tom Lantos, D-San Mateo, just back from a trip to Syria that sparked sharp criticism from Republicans and the Bush administration, suggested Tuesday that they may be interested in taking another diplomatic trip - to open a dialogue with Iran.

"Speaking just for myself, I would be ready to get on a plane tomorrow morning, because however objectionable, unfair and inaccurate many of (Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's) statements are, it is important that we have a dialogue with him,'' Lantos said. "Speaking for myself, I'm ready to go -- and knowing the speaker, I think that she might be.'" (H/T - SF Gate)

Well Tom, speaking for myself, I hope you both make the trip to Iran. And, speaking for myself, I hope the plane is shot down by Syria. Jerks.

He Shoots! A Few Hours Later, He Scores!

Yesterday, I was busier than Don Imus' publicist.

My Wednesday began at 8am at the Philadelphia Police Academy's Pistol Range. It was time for my yearly re-qualification with my Glock 17 9mm pistol. Our course is a 60-round, stationary target shoot from distances of 25 yards and in. It's relatively easy to score in the 90's, and almost impossible to fail. The weather was perfect for shooting - and for Cowboy Blob, that means that there is still oxygen in the air - with clear, sunny skies, and a slight wind. It was brisk - about 54 degrees - but not too cold.

I breezed through the qualification course, except for two little mishaps. First, I had a terribly loose grip on my firearm at the 7-yard line, and threw a round to the left (-2 points). Flustered, I then threw two rounds from the 25-yard line because I was rushing my shots (-4 points). Out of a perfect score of 300 - which is divided by three for a perfect round of 100 - I scored a 294. Doing the math, for which I needed a calculator, my final score was a 98. Not bad . . . but not great.

Immediately after lunch, we finished off our old ammunition on a new course at the PPD Range - moving targets! Hooray, we joined the 19th Century! The targets were spaced evenly amongst the 25, 15, 10, and 7-yard lines, and were metallic like the ones to the left. They were *gasp* computer-operated, and blue and orange plates popped up at random. Blue targets were criminals, and orange targets were civilians. The plates couldn't have been more than a foot in diameter, and dropped back when struck with a round.

Each shooter received 20 rounds, and were observed by the group. No real scores were posted, the instructors were using this new gadget as a sighting tool. I was the first to step up, and after loading and charging my pistol, I was ready to go. Three targets immediately popped up, and I hit them quickly. Wow, I thought, not a bad start. Soon, I was rolling. Ting! Ting! Ting! I was starting to like this exercise a lot! When it was over, I hit targets with 17 out of 20 rounds; the best in my group. Sweet!

After I was finished qualifying, I made a bee-line to the field for our lacrosse game against hated rival Father Judge High School. My team (the Northeast Catholic Falcons) was currently 2-1 in league play, but we have had our last two games postponed due to snow/rain. Thank you, Al Gore! Today's matchup was huge.

Unfortunately for us, we sleepwalked through the first three quarters, and began the fourth quarter losing by a score of 6-3. Ouch.

After a supportive pep talk - I think it was comprised of yelling, screaming, and threatening - the team finally awoke. After killing a three-minute penalty, they slipped one past the Judge goaltender. Then another. Then another. With two minutes left in the game, our kids tied Judge, 6-6 on their home field. We won the next face-off and moved down toward the offensive end of the field. After a few crisp passes, our attacker came from behind the net, and bounced a shot which hit the top crossbar and went in. Falcons up, 7-6! There was 1:39 left in the game.

After losing the next face-off, our defense harassed the Judge offense and forced a turnover. With only seconds remaining, our midfielder vaulted the ball deep into Judge territory, sealing the win. It was bedlam. Falcons win, 7-6.

All in all, a pretty damned good day.

Define Irony

God, I love this town!

Woman shot, wounded, at W. Phila. Anti-violence Rally.

A stop-the-violence rally near 61st and Market Streets in West Philadelphia last night was interrupted by gunfire.

At least two shots were fired about 8 p.m., and a young woman at the rally was shot in the back, according to police. The woman, whose name was not available, was in stable condition at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania

The rally was a gathering of about 150 people trying to stop the violence in Philadelphia, a city that has averaged more than one homicide a day. Specifically, they were there to remember Terrence Walker, 19, who was shot dead Sunday. Walker's family was just starting to speak when the shots were fired, police said. (H/T - The Inquirer)

This would be hysterical if it weren't so tragic. My department needs more officers. Like yesterday! And, as usual, Philadelphia mayor John Street fiddles while Rome burns.

INNOCENT!

Shouldn't the North Carolina Attorney General come to this decision months ago?

RALEIGH, N.C. - The Duke lacrosse rape case finally collapsed Wednesday, with North Carolina's top prosecutor saying the three athletes were railroaded by a district attorney who ignored increasingly flimsy evidence in a "tragic rush to accuse."

If they're smart, the players will sue the BeJesus out of Nifong and the accuser, Crystal Gail Mangum.

In a blistering assessment of the case, Attorney General Roy Cooper dropped all charges against the players, all but ensuring that only one person in the whole scandal will be held to account: Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong. (H/T - Yahoo!)

Mark Levin asked some great questions on his radio show today, mostly directed at race-baiting oafs Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Primarily, will anyone call for Sharpton to resign from his radio show, or either of these boobs' firings? Both rushed to convict the three players (who are white) and wholeheartedly defended the accused (who is African-American). Hell, Sharpton had them tried, convicted, and sentenced in April of 2006 - merely a months after the charges were brought forward.

Somehow, I doubt either of these hacks will be held accountable for what they were saying.

Paging Mr. Imus . . .