Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Hate Mail O' The Week

It is always fun to open the mailbag – in this case, my comments queue – to see what the lunatics have to say. This reader, like most of the folks featured at Hate Mail O’ The Week, probably stumbled upon my blog after looking for ways to make clothing out of hemp.

Well, “David” didn’t agree with one of my True Detective Stories. So, before he left his parent’s basement to get some marijuana-induced “munchies,” he fired off a textbook example of HopeyChange idiocy. To wit:

You insult people who do not share your ultra-conservative, retribution-based vision of criminal justice but instead have the capacity to think objectively? Yea, I’m glad people like you hold such positions of authority (this is sarcasm, you may not have heard of it).

I honestly wish more people in my very conservative neighborhood had the attitude this woman and her son had; the world would be a much kinder place if everyone wasn’t out for blood. You people really need some more real-world experience. Stop watching Fox News, stop listening to Rush Limbaugh, and stop going to church. You are being brainwashed and sadly you don’t even realize it.

Bawahahahahaha! How funny is it when a troll reads one blog post out of 4,839 (as of this writing) and immediately thinks he or she knows everything about me? Similarly, why do I always receive hate mail a full month after the “offending” post is written?

Please allow me respond to David’s moronic comment in stages:

1. Davey, I would classify myself as conservative, not ultra-conservative. Read more than one post, and you will realize that I despise Sean Hannity, I think Pat Buchanan is an anti-Semite, and I had lots of problems with George W. Bush – immigration chief among them. That being said, I think Rush Limbaugh is the most entertaining radio host ever.

2. Daveycakes, the comment about my “retribution-based vision of criminal justice?” Spot on. I imagine you will feel the same way when some thug robs you point of gun. I also imagine you will thank God above that I am in a position of authority and get down on your knees to beg me to find the bastards that victimized you. And you’ll be in luck, because I am pretty damned good at my job.

The rest of the analysis is under the fold:

3. Davey Boy, not to sound like a broken record, but if you read more than one post here, you would know that I have not heard of sarcasm. I have perfected it. Thank you, though, for enlightening me on its proper use. You sir, have opened my eyes to a literary tool the likes of which I have never experienced! I owe you a debt that I fear I may never be able to repay! (Now, that’s sarcasm. Learn from a professional, kid.)

4. Dave-o said, “[T]he world would be a much kinder place if everyone wasn’t out for blood.” That sir, is the funniest line of this rant. It is also the reason why the HopeyChange attitude is failing miserably. But please, feel free to try to negotiate with terrorists and bargain with suicidal dictators like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. How did that work out for Neda, by the way? Better yet, how about you fly out to Hawaii on or about July 4th and see if Kim Jong Il will give you a celebratory fireworks display?

Of course the world would be a much kinder place, you dolt! But those of us in the real world know that those HopeyChange thoughts are pure fantasy. It’s time to wake up.

5. The Davinator said, “You people really need some more real-world experience. Uh-huh. I spent almost half my life patrolling the streets of Philadelphia, while you probably spent a few minutes driving through North Philly.

6. Dave finishes up with his pièce de résistance: an attack on Fox News, Rush, and church. For the record, I rarely watch Fox News. Hell, I rarely watch any news; it’s too depressing, and my tender sensibilities cannot handle it.

But why the attack on church, Dave? Is it because your liberal masters demand that you paint everyone who disagrees with you with a wide “bitter, gun/religion-clinging” brush? So you know, I am a Roman-Catholic who proudly sends his children to Catholic school, only occasionally (to my family’s chagrin) goes to Mass, and opposes abortion. And guess what? I am smart enough to separate the morality and the good values from the utter b.s. Unlike some liberals, I can think for myself. You should try it some time, instead of crafting argument from the Bill Maher liberal playbook.

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