Sunday, July 10, 2011

Hate Mail O' The Week

I must be slipping, because this is the first decent piece of hate mail I’ve received in ten months.

This punctuational abortion comes to us from “anvil hands,” the e.e. cummings of the internet. Anvil took issue with this post, which noted the bad batch of heroin currently flowing through Camden, New Jersey. As you can see, he is sympathetic to the plight of the innocent heroin users who were forced to inject the drug at the barrel of a gun.

His (or her) comments appear below, unedited for your viewing pleasure:

Not everyone who does heroine are dirt bags all you people saying they should mix it with rat poison are some real assholes I know junkies with better class than that. Fucking pussies

And “DocRambo” is a 14 year old kid still waiting for one of his balls to drop. Tough handle though dude….

Wow, this is such a treasure trove of hilarity that I don’t even know where to begin. I guess the English minor in me will come out first, since – to me – the grammar is more offensive than the vulgarity. Anvil. Dude. There’s a new thing out called a period. It is a punctuation mark that is used at the end of a sentence. They are easily identified because they look like a dot. In your case, you would use one after “dirt bags,” “assholes,” and “pussies.”

Similarly, you may want to invest in a comma or three. The comma is used for separating things in a sentence. Without one, you’d be posting nothing but run-on sentences – which would make you look like a heroin abuser. You would most likely use a comma after “though.” (But don’t take my word for it, as I have been accused with using commas excessively.)

And finally, your verb usage is atrocious. You should replace “are” with “is” in the first sentence. As in “everyone is.” Rework that and get back to me, mmm-kay?

Now, in examining the content, I have to admit I agree with the first thing Anvil wrote. Not everyone who does heroine are dirt bags. Truer words were never spoken. I mean the guys who are doing Wonder Woman and Rogue of the X-Men are probably stand-up individuals. I can’t imagine a heroine of their caliber going to bed with a dirt bag.

As far as the people who are doing heroin are concerned? Yeah, I believe most – but not all – of the people who are doing the drug are dirt bags. Most drug abusers are.

Believe it or not, Anvil, I actually agree with your second thought, too. You probably do know junkies with better class that that. That statement pretty much sums up your entire diatribe. You hang out with heroin junkies, and that is why you are (ineffectively) demonizing me and the commenters here. Commenters who are forced to pay for the treatment and medical care of the junkies you so respect.

As for your final comment I would suggest you re-read your statement about Doc Rambo. “Tough handle though dude.” Really? This coming from someone who uses the spooky, scary handle “anvil hands?” When you’re finished getting some munchies for you and your junkie friends, you may want to read the definition of “irony.”

Thanks for playing.

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