Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Hate Mail O' The Week

This week’s mental defective is Josh from Parts Unknown… or somewhere near Aston, PA. Josh is a big Amanda Bynes fan, and he took umbrage with this post, where she asked President Obama to fire the police officer who arrested her for DUI…

The DUI where she sideswiped a police car, and refused to take a breathalyzer or a blood test. But, you know, Josh thinks she’s like, innocent and stuff.

Josh’s comment is posted below, unedited, for your viewing pleasure:

Well,maybe she wasnt drunk.As you know the cops in philly are so dumb they cant perform fst’s that they have to lock an innocent person up on suspicion.Well,isnt that a fuckin dick move.Your eyes are pinned,couldnt be cause its sunny as fuck out could it ?? Well,lets arrest him on fucking suspicion !!

Let’s break this comment down, “shotgun style,” below the fold.

First off, Josh, there’s a long, rectangular bar at the bottom of your keyboard. It’s called a “space bar,” and it is used to separate words. The space bar is your friend. Second, let’s trudge through this meth-fueled idiocy, one sentence at a time.

Sentence #1: “Well,maybe she wasnt drunk.” Okay, maybe she wasn’t. Maybe she sideswiped a police car because she was too busy trying to figure out why her radio’s “Seek” button couldn’t find her hidden friends. Maybe she refused a breathalyzer because she didn’t have asthma. Maybe she refused a blood test because she knows she’s AB-positive. Either way, that wasn’t the point of the article. The point, which you so glaringly missed, was that this bint was asking the President of the United States to fire an officer who was a big meany to her.

Sentence #2: “As you know the cops in philly are so dumb they cant perform fst’s that they have to lock an innocent person up on suspicion.” You probably want to replace the word “that” with “so;” otherwise, the thought makes even less sense. But yeah, Philly cops are dumb. Bynes was locked up in West Hollywood, so ranting about Philly cops and their application of field sobriety tests is a non sequitir. It does shed some light upon your view of the Philadelphia Police Department, however, as your rant seems to reek of experience… and Budweiser.

Sentence #3: “Well,isnt that a fuckin dick move.” Wow, do you kiss your sister with that mouth? If you think about it, Joshie-boy, every person ever arrested probably thinks his or her arrest is a “dick move.” I’m sure O.J. thought his arrest was. I’m sure Jerry Sandusky thought his was. Send me an e-mail when you find the person who thinks his arrest is the most awesome, righteous move ever. I’ll wait.

Sentence #4: “Your eyes are pinned,couldnt be cause its sunny as fuck out could it ??” Um, no, not usually. Squinting, maybe, but pinning? Not so much. Do me a favor; Google “pinned eyes” and look at how many of the results include the words “heroin” and “methadone.” Bring your calculator, genius. When you’re done, show me where “pinned eyes” appears anywhere in the Bynes article. Don’t bother; it’s not in there. When you come down off your heroin rush, let this sink in: Philly has a checklist of probable cause for DUI arrests (slurred speech, odor of alcohol, swaying, etc). For the eyes, “droopy,” or “bloodshot” are the only choices. “Pinned” didn’t make the cut for DUI. But yeah, that’s the first thing we look for. Jackass.

Sentence #5: “Well,lets arrest him on fucking suspicion !!” I’m going to go out on a limb and say you were the “him” in that sentence. Arrests are almost always based upon probable cause. I say “almost always” because, yeah, some cops are idiots and take liberties. Those cops are in the minority. That being said, charging comes from the D.A.’s office. Every case is reviewed by the D.A. first, and if they think the arrest was based solely upon suspicion, they throw it out. That happens often. In the Bynes case, the D.A. believed there was enough to charge, just like in your case… oh, your “hypothetical” case. If you have a beef with anyone, it should be with the D.A. Take it up with them

You won’t, however, because you’re most likely a heroin addict with an arrest record longer than Gene Simmons’ tongue. Thanks for playing.

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