8 Times The Misery

I'm spending the day boarding up my windows and cleaning my firearms. No, Philadelphia isn't in the path of a Category 5 hurricane; it's much worse than that. Tomorrow is the much-ballyhooed (if you're a liberal, tree-hugging hippie, that is) Live 8 concert. The city expects 1.5 million (MILLION!) people to flock to the Ben Franklin Parkway for the event. Unfortunately, the area set aside for the fans can only accommodate 400,000 fans at most!

Prediction: Mass rioting.

Luckily, corrupt Mayor John F. Street (recently voted one of the nation's worst mayors by TIME Magazine) believes the event will go off without a hitch. Whew! I feel a lot better. Hold on: "Honey, please pass me some more armor-piercing rounds. Thanks." Despite what the captain of the Titanic thinks, my co-workers will have their hands full with crowd control - not to mention the inevitable fights, drunks, etc. All this to see, in my opinion, the worst lineup of all venues:

Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Maroon 5, Dave Matthews Band, Alicia Keys, Black Eyed Peas, Sarah McLachlan, Rob Thomas, Keith Urban, Jay-Z, Stevie Wonder, Toby Keith, Josh Groban, Kaiser Chiefs, Destiny's Child, Linkin Park, P. Diddy

London gets a Pink Floyd reunion, and we get Jay-Z? Berlin gets Green Day, and we get P. Diddy? Friggin' Paris gets The Cure, and we get Josh Groban? Who is Josh Groban??? Rome gets Faith Hill (HOTTIE!). Canada gets Barenaked Ladies. Tokyo gets Bjork. Scotland gets Garbage. My town? We get garbage (read: trash).

If it weren't for Stevie Wonder and Toby Keith, I'd be calling in an air strike.