Buy Me Some Peanuts & Cracker JACK!

Now that Battlestar Galactica's season is over, I only have three go-to shows left to watch: The WB's Smallville (whose season begins tomorrow night), and Fox's Prison Break and 24. Unfortunately, the rocket scientists at Fox are pre-empting Prison Break (after next week's ep) until after the baseball playoffs (eh, what?), and the new season of 24 is on hold until after football season (eh, double-what??). This news is about as welcome as Louis Farrakhan at the Holocaust Memorial.

But I have a solution for all of you suffering 24 fans: eliminate baseball.

And how do we do that, you ask? It's easy. Just hire Jack Bauer. Hey, he's not doing much now anyway, so why not keep the man busy? Here's why he's the best man for the job:

• He made a run for the border. At the end of last season, Jack pulled an immigrant George Constanza: he did the opposite, and went across the border into Mexico. Thus, Bauer is in place to kidnap (and, yes, torture) the country's best baseball prospects. The flood of talent runs dry, and the national pastime stalls. Now that's a NAFTA I wanna see!
• He's a dead man. Most of the government thinks Bauer is dead. Dead is good, since no one would suspect him to re-emerge as a high-ranking official in the Budweiser Corporation. Once he gains the the Busch family's trust, dropping a few gallons of antifreeze into the brew is a piece of cake. The resulting panic would dwarf the anthrax scares of 2002, and MLB's bread and butter - beer - is no longer an option at the park.
• He's a former addict. So finding some primo steroids is easier than infiltrating CTU. Steroids aren't as big an issue in the Major Leagues as they should be, but with the help of some former Soviet scientists, Jack's new concoction - Uber-steroids - reverse the normal effects. No one wants to see the original Barry Bonds (at 190 pounds), and no one wants to see a ball game without home runs.

I believe that through these three easy steps, Jack can destroy the game of baseball, and get his arse back on television in September where he belongs!