Presidents For Dummies

Batten down the hatches, Wyatt is gonna talk about politics!

In this terribly divided nation, many citizens formulate an opinion of the Chief Executive primarily by listening to the mainstream media and syndicated radio talk shows. This usually results in diametrically opposed views of the President, depending upon which side of the political fence you currently sit. What this country needs is a brief, hopefully non-partisan history of the men in the Oval Office since 1960. Enter Support Your Local Gunfighter.

John F. Kennedy - The dashing war hero from Massachusetts (where have we heard that one before?) beat Richard Nixon like a rented mule in the 1960 election, primarily because Johnny was beefcake with a great ass. Thankfully, after the fluff, JFK had some substance. His creation of the Peace Corps was a brilliant move to rid the country of hippies, but he was about as savvy militarily as Michael Dukakis. The Bay of Pigs invasion was a disaster - he must have thought that one up while bedding Marilyn Monroe - and he got damned lucky during the Cuban Missile Crisis. That being said, had that scumbag Oswald not killed him - although that was a magnificent display of shooting - historians probably would have rated him in more high regard. SYLG Rating - Average (and, sadly, incomplete).

Lyndon B. Johnson - People talk about idiotic Presidents hailing from Texas? Johnson is their poster boy. What should we focus upon first, the civil rights riots, or his utter failure in Vietnam? He didn't handle either crisis effectively, and thus did not seek a second term - as if he would have been elected again. SYLG Rating - Below Average.

Richard M. Nixon - Ugh. Let's put aside Watergate for a moment, shall we? (Although it was the singularly most stupid act ever linked to a President, in my opinion.) Nixon's "plan" in Vietnam was more of the same - let's tell the troops we're trying to win, but not give them the tools to do so - when what the nation needed was new ideas for the war. Like LBJ, Nixon's greatest failure was Vietnam. However, "Tricky Dick" put the space program on the front burner, and set the wheels in motion for the space shuttle program. He was also smart enough to surround himself with a decent cabinet, the best choice of which was Kissinger as Secretary of State. SYLG Rating - Average (based solely on the space race).

Gerald R. Ford - When elected, Ford proclaimed, "Our long national nightmare is over." Unfortunately for Gerry, a new nightmare (his Presidency) was just beginning. Inflation crippled the economy, and his "Whip Inflation Now" (WIN) buttons were swell - until everyone realized that the buttons were the answer, because there wasn't a strategy to go along with it. Continually battling the divided Congress, Ford got little done in the way of domestic policy; which was a good thing, considering his disgraceful foreign policy (anyone remember Khmer Rouge?). The voters did, and elected Jimmy Carter to replace Ford! SYLG Rating - Below Average.

Jimmy Carter - Carter must have created his "Misery Index" to rate his time in the White House. Hell, he couldn't even pass any legislation with his own party in control! A miserable failure as a President, he was another in a long line of "Lesser of Two Evils" choices. As far as his cabinet, check out The Mitrokhin Archive: A History of the KGB and look up Carter's Secretary of State Cyrus Vance, who was a little "too friendly" with some KGB contacts. SYLG Rating - BRUTAL!

Ronald Reagan - Who'd have thought a former actor would make such a damned good President? Reagan had his frak ups (Iran-Contra comes to mind), but overall, both his domestic and foreign policies were things of beauty. Credited (in my opinion, a little too much) with the fall of Communism - it was bound to happen sooner or later, Reagan just sped up the process - he is seen as an icon by many conservatives and liberals. "The Great Communicator" is perhaps the greatest President in the last fifty years - although I'd take Theodore Roosevelt as the best all-time. SYLG Rating - Above average.

George H. W. Bush - "Read my lips: no new taxes." Hey, George: two words: Gulf War. Bush completely bungled the Gulf War by not continuing on to Baghdad. His indecision cost millions of Iraqi lives when Saddam Hussein was left in power. The current Iraq war would probably not be necessary if Bush the First had done what was necessary in 1991. Sorry, but this has been a thorn in my side for almost fifteen years now. Credit Bush with surrounding himself with a terrific cabinet (like Reagan), but in the end, there was no way he was going to beat Clinton in 1992. SYLG Rating - Average.

Bill Clinton - Here's my take on Clinton: he was too busy worrying what everyone else thought to be an effective leader. Thus explains his wishy-washy foreign policy. Clinton refused to send in armor during the Raid on Mogadishu (remember Black Hawk Down?) because he didn't want to offend the U.N., nor did he fully commit efforts in Kosovo and Rwanda to stop the genocides there. Many citizens think highly of Clinton personally - which is probably what is important to him; hell, I voted for him in '92 - but as a Chief Executive, he was lacking. He remains with Andrew Johnson as the only two Presidents ever to be impeached. SYLG Rating - Below Average.

George W. Bush - Although his Presidency is incomplete, Bush has followed the Reagan/Bush model for his cabinet: surround yourself with good people, and you look good. Give credit where it is due: despite the current unpopularity of the Iraq war, Bush has taken the fight to them; instead of letting them bring it to us. Of course, his "policy" on illegal immigration is a disgrace, and the borders resemble NASCAR tracks. SYLG Rating - Average (but incomplete).