Things To Do In Philly When You're Dead

As a Public Service Announcement, the Philadelphia Police Department (okay, just yours truly) is stressing important guidelines for those citizens who expect to pass away at a time of their choosing. These five simple tips can make life a whole lot easier for the men and women of law enforcement who have to deal with your expired carcass. Break out some paper and a number two pencil, please. 1. Make sure you're dressed. Mom always said to wear clean underwear - and a pair of pants wouldn't be a bad idea, either. 2. While you're at it, take a thorough shower. Even fresh corpses tend to give off an unpleasant odor. 3. Use the restroom beforehand. Otherwise, Mother Nature will do it for you - usually at the exact moment the officer picks up your body. 4. Lie down, legs straight, and arms at your side. Body bags and stretchers don't accommodate people with legs akimbo. Rigor mortis is a helluva thing. 5. Try and be tidy. If you're going to use a gun to end it all - especially via the melon - wrap the back of your head in towels and blankets. Ever try to get blood out of shag carpet? It's a bear. Remember, a little preparation goes a long way. And it's never too late to be polite. Thank you for your cooperation.