As a Public Service Announcement, the Philadelphia Police Department (okay, just yours truly) is stressing important guidelines for those citizens who expect to pass away at a time of their choosing. These five simple tips can make life a whole lot easier for the men and women of law enforcement who have to deal with your expired carcass. Break out some paper and a number two pencil, please.
1. Make sure you're dressed. Mom always said to wear clean underwear - and a pair of pants wouldn't be a bad idea, either.
2. While you're at it, take a thorough shower. Even fresh corpses tend to give off an unpleasant odor.
3. Use the restroom beforehand. Otherwise, Mother Nature will do it for you - usually at the exact moment the officer picks up your body.
4. Lie down, legs straight, and arms at your side. Body bags and stretchers don't accommodate people with legs akimbo. Rigor mortis is a helluva thing.
5. Try and be tidy. If you're going to use a gun to end it all - especially via the melon - wrap the back of your head in towels and blankets. Ever try to get blood out of shag carpet? It's a bear.
Remember, a little preparation goes a long way. And it's never too late to be polite. Thank you for your cooperation.
It sounds like you've not had a nice week.:(
ReplyDeleteSK - Last night. Dead body. Bowels let go as we picked him up. Family ballistic with grief and rage - all directed at me.
ReplyDeleteOn top of that, we had three pizza store burglaries on my shift, and didn't catch any one of the bastards. Embarrassing.
No, it was not a good night.
Hope the next night goes better, bro.
ReplyDeleteCUG - Jeez, me too, but it'll be A very busy Friday night. Ugh!
ReplyDeleteTransfer to NYC, you get to frisk all the ladies on the subways.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the Mutant teenage ninja turtles moved to Philly?
ReplyDeleteFor the pizza store burglaries look for green perps with big shells on their backs.
God that sucks.
ReplyDeleteSo why was the family flipping on you?
ReplyDeleteBTW, hope tonight is better for you.
TM - In my mind, I'm already there!
ReplyDeleteSteve - I'll put an APB on everyone and everything with a shell!
Insol - Agreed.
Anon - I reckon 'cause they needed someone to blame. And, hey, I was there! They were hysterical.
Hope thing go a little better for you today, although I know Fri and Sat nights are the worst. Hang in.
ReplyDeleteUhhhggg! You deserve a raise. I don't care how much you make, you still desereve more.
ReplyDeleteYep, I'll second that ~ you definitely deserve a raise!!!!! I lived in S. Jersey for six years...I know Philly's a ruff place! eek!
ReplyDeleteWishing you many GOOD nights to make up for this not good night. :(
SK - Wouldn't be so bad if it just got dry around here. Rain has been non-stop since Friday, and a wet uniform isn't exactly comfortable.
ReplyDeleteGunnNutt - Will you marry me??? I will have been a Philly cop for 11 years on the 17th, and I make a little over $50,000 a year. Compared to other departments, it's brutal, but we get by: nice house, good neighborhood, and NHL Center Ice as far as the eyes can see :)
Kat - Thanks! South Jersey to Georgia? Deifintely a step up!!! Thanks for stopping by!!!
Karma - Jesus, chief! That sucks!!
ReplyDelete