Wagon Tales

Yours truly was stuck on the wagon last night . . . again. And as is usually the case, there were a few people who had me breaking out the duct tape. To wit:

1. Gladys Kravitz - Our first assignment was to meet a complainant outside her apartment complex. The residences cater to senior citizens, so when a sixty-something woman flagged us down, we knew we were in for some hilarity. "Gladys" informed us that there was a 20-year old man sitting outside one of the apartments, under a street light near the locked gate, and "he looked suspicious." As if looking "suspicious" is now in the PA Crimes Code.

I decided to play devil's advocate - well, for me, it's more like disgruntled civil servant - and asked her if he lived in the complex. She said no. I asked her how would she know, since the complex houses close to 5,000 residents, and she said, "I know for a fact that there are only three young people living here." Um, okay.

Finally, we grew tired of her idiocy and took a gander around the area. (I neglected to tell Gladys that if the man were casing cars, he probably wouldn't do it under the brightest light in the area.) After a minute or two, we found the man, who was catching a smoke while visiting his uncle. "Abner! Abner! The cops aren't arresting that man! Aaaaabner!!!"

2. AARP: Absolutely Asinine, Ridiculous, and Pathetic - We get a call to take the cell room to transport a prisoner to Police HQ. No problemo. Upon arrival, the turnkey tells us that our "prisoner" is a 60-year old woman who tried to cash a bad $1,000 check at the local bank. The turnkey brings her out and she is taking baby steps, supported only by her cane! My two-year old could have caught this broad. It gets better. The African-American woman had hot pink hair and was wearing a full-length fur. She looked like Snoop Dogg's grandmother. My partner and I were laughing all the way downtown. Pimpin' ain't easy!

3. Cops Are Stupid, Too - Don't think for a minute that idiotic cops get a pass here. When we get to the cell room at Police HQ with Gammy Snoop, she has to be examined by the nurse. While we are waiting our turn, the drunks start pouring in. (DUI's get first crack at the nurse, because they only have 2 hours to process them, lest the breathalyzer results be invalid.) One of the sots is a 19-year old college bimbo. She was hot . . . until she opened her mouth. Jesus, could she blather on and on. It was as if she had a blog! Anyway, she is very popular in the cell room with some of the male cops, and they strike up conversation. The bimbo says that she is studying to be a nurse (God help us), but is afraid of needles and blood. (Yeah, good career choice, dope!) The cop who is administering the breathalyzer tells her that she can "look in" on another DUI who is having his blood drawn (he refused the breath test). Here's where it gets good.

The cop uncuffs the 19-year old, and brings her to within two feet of the nurse, who is about to draw blood . . . with a needle. Anyone see something wrong with this picture yet? I'll wait . . .

SHE IS AN UNCUFFED PRISONER, AND THE COP IS PUTTING HER IN REACH OF A WEAPON!!!

My partner and I are staring in disbelief, until I walk over and tell the bimbo's arresting officer. The arresting officer runs over to the DUI cop and yells at the 19-year old drunk to "GET BACK!" The DUI cop says, "No, it's okay, I let her." The arresting officer retorts, "And will you be responsible if she stabs you in the neck with that needle? SHE IS A PRISONER!!!" At this point, the sergeant on duty comes running over, and takes the bimbo out of reach, glaring at the DUI cop. Cripes, what an a-hole.