The Pony Express (Answer Key)

Thanks to everyone who participated in this edition of Reader Mail. It warms the heart to see so many people participate in this dumb post that usually wouldn't take the time to vote. This is pretty long, primarily because of the high volume of questions. So, I apologize if I bore ya. The answers are just a paragraph away.

Dr. Phat Tony asks, "Why did you pic (sic) the same day to answer questions that I did? Would it be fair to steal all your questions then answer them for you?"

Doc, first, I didn't get the memo. From now on, it may be better for you to run your post topics by me before you proceed. Second, if you stole and answered my questions, this post would probably be a lot funnier.

Stella (Pandy) Piccolo asks, "What precisely is the reasoning behind creatively editing so-called "bad words" in blogs? Is it really less offensive to type '$hit' or 'eff-you' instead of the real thing? Everyone knows what is intended, so why not just come out and say it?"

Stella, F**K YOU!!! Ah, I'm just messing with ya. It has been my experience to try and keep SYLG PG-13, primarily because the only one of my family members who reads this thing is my Aunt Helene. And as a former teacher, she would not approve of such foul language.

Sssteve asks, "Why does YOUR word verification always say, "uhavsmlpkg" every time I post a comment? And how do you know? Have you been looking?"

Sssteve, now you're just being silly. You obviously just mashed the keyboard with your fist to get that letter combination, since what always appears is "ohavsmlpkg." I am not looking per se, but can you please put on some pants while you're online? Thanks.

Anti-Hippie asks, "What is, in your opinion, the best round of ammunition for dealing with moonbats? The 12-gauge is great at close range, but I need a bit more reach."

Anti-Hippie, if Hollywood has taught me anything, it is that most Terminators prefer the .45 Long Slide, with laser sighting, the Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range, and the Uzi 9mm. That should git 'er done!

The Man asks, "Do real cops laugh at NYPD Blue and other lame cop shows?"

The Man, I'm not sure. I'll ask a real cop.

Fmragtops asks, "Have you ever played any of the pranks portrayed in the movie Super Troopers, like 'Give me your license and registration, right meow!'?"

Fmragtops, I really enjoy messing with drunks' heads (as they did to the stoner teens in the opening scene). Once I was searching a DUI's vehicle, and pulled out a pistol from the driver's seat. I held it up and said, "Hey! What the hell is this?" The drunk freaked out, so I didn't tell him that it was my weapon until he calmed down. By the way, this film is proudly displayed on my DVD shelf.

Bitstreamer asks, "What are the handgun range qualification requirements for the Philly PD, and how often are you required to practice?"

Bitstreamer, our firearms qualification consists of shooting sixty rounds from varying distances of 25, 15, 7, 5, and 3 yards. The curriculum also includes shooting from behind a barrier, and both combat and empty-magazine reloads. We are only required to re-qualify once a year and we are never required to practice. Although, I do like to twirl my gun around my finger like Doc Holliday; does that count?

Bitstreamer then asks, "Why does it sometimes take up to 15-20 minutes to get a speeding ticket? Don't you just punch info into a terminal, or does some troll back at HQ have to look up your background info on index cards? Just what are you guys doing back in your cars while we wait? I mean, 20 minutes! Come on, why do you think we were speeding in the first place? We got places to go! Or, is it some kind of perverse punishment because you KNOW we're in a rush? If so, it's working!"

Bitstreamer, wow. Take a breath, chief! First of all, before Wagonsux chimes in, I work inside two days a week, so thanks for the "troll" comment. As far as tickets go, it sometimes takes forever for local and national BMV checks to come back. Plus, take a look at a moving violation - lotsa writing! Nine times out of ten, that's what we're doing in our cars. The other times? Yeah, we're just screwing with you, trying to make you later than you already are. Heh.

RT asks, "Was Philly safer under the last troll (I mean mayor)?"

RT, again with the trolls? Statistically, no, the city was not safer under now-Governor Fat Eddie Rendell. What worked for Fat Eddie was that he had the local media in his back pocket, and it also helped that there were a lot more cops on the street. The current mayor, Toad Extraordinaire John Street, wasted millions of dollars on a failed "Safe Streets" program, which promised cops on every drug corner. Can you imagine? The OT shot the city into bankruptcy, and now we can't afford to hire more cops . . . or promote others. Bastards!

RT then asks, "Does everybody who knows really go to Melrose?"

RT, ahh the Melrose Diner. I have lived in this town all my life and I have never been there. So I guess the answer is no.

RT pushes her luck with another question: "Was that really that dude's mom's ashes?"

RT is speaking about the dolt who ran onto the field during Sunday's Eagles game carrying an urn, and dumped his mother's ashes onto Lincoln Financial Field. Allegedly, she was a huge Eagles fan, and the jackass wanted to do something for mom. According to the reports, it was in fact her ashes, which is the bad news. The good news is that sonny boy ran for more yards than Brian Westbrook has all season!

Peakah asks, "Why will half the dogs in America receive Christmas presents this year, yet few of us pause to consider the miserable life of the pig - an animal easily as intelligent as a dog -that becomes the Christmas ham? Oink, oink!"

Peak, did you just call me a pig? I think my guest posters can answer this one for you. Jules and Vincent, take it away:

Jules: "Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense to disregard its own feces. A dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way."
Vincent: "Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?"
Jules: "Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charmin' motherf**kin' pig. I mean, he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Uber asks, "(After I was pulled over for dead tags) why did five cruisers swoop in and surround me like it was some kind of a major drug bust and then I didn't even get a ticket?"

Uber, do me a favor. Stand up, go to your nearest mirror, and look at yourself. There's your answer. Guys are pigs. Guys who also happen to be cops are uber-pigs (no pun intended). When a fabulous babe gets pulled over in my district, all the guys are informed, then stop by the scene to "assess the situation." As for the ticket, pretty ladies with southern accents don't get tickets for anything. It's the law.

Bob asks, "Why is the Surekill Expressway spelled Schuylkill?"

Bob, the expressway isn't the problem, it's the morons who drive it. I love when I hear KYW tell us that there is a backup from "sun glare:" as if people forgot that the sun was bright in the morning. Idiots. Schuylkill is one of those whacky Native American names that the White Man took for himself; then was unable to spell.

Wagonsux asks, "Why didn't you discuss your heroics at work yesterday? In all my years on the Police Department, I've never seen such an act of bravery. Are you going to be ok? You, Wyatt, are much too humble. Bravo!"

Wagonsux, I hate you. He's kidding, folks. And even if I did do something "heroic," I probably wouldn't blog about it. It's against my self-deprecating style.

GunnNutt asks, "Why are the major highways in PA always under construction? Do they ever finish, or just go back to the beginning and reconstruct the whole thing over again? What's Wagonsux talking about?"

Gunny, thanks to cutbacks, PennDOT consists of just one construction team. Since they are unionized, the team of five includes a supervisor, a foreman, a shop steward, a worker, and an apprentice. The average time needed to pave one mile of road is two months. Thus the delay. And Wagonsux was kidding.

Peakah demands, "Yeah, just answer Wagon!!"

Peak, again, Wagonsux sux! It was a joke!

Insolublog asks, "What real life event, from work, came closest to a scene from Pulp Fiction?From Full Metal Jacket?"

Insol, I once saw a car ram a pedestrian a la Butch and Marsellus in Pulp Fiction. Not pretty. From FMJ, I responded to an assist officer/shots fired call in my current district. The man fired a shotgun round at a sergeant, and when my partner and I arrived on the scene, the man (who was sitting in his vehicle) stuck the shotgun inside of his mouth and pulled the trigger a la Private Pyle. Unfortunately for us, we were the wagon crew and had to take to headless body to the morgue. I had never seen so much blood, and we later found out the man was HIV positive. Swell. Oh, and I was once the recipient of a soap bar beating, but I don't like to talk about that.

Mel asks, "How are your ribs healing?"

Mel, better than my self-imposed Irish-Catholic guilt trip. I still think I let my team down by not playing, but to be honest, they still hurt like the Dickens!

SK asks, "Did you check up on the Earp kid to find out if he's related?"

SK, I did not, but he cannot possibly be related to me with such reckless driving habits! For shame!