And the dumb get dumber.
Last night, I was working my usual solo car (Whoo hoo! Take that, Wagonsux!) when I get a call for a Vandalism in Progress. Upon arrival, the resident tells me that his live-in girlfriend smashed the rear window of their home. Vandalizing your own home: brilliant! The girlfriend is drunk, soaking wet from the pouring rain, and boy did she reek of alcohol! (She kinda smelled like Peakah. Just kidding, pal!) The boyfriend (obviously pissed about the window) tells me that he doesn't want her there anymore. Fair enough.
I escort Drippy Drawers to the front of the residence, and am met by an irate cab driver. The plot thickens. Youssef the Cabbie - that's not a slander; it was his actual name - states that Drippy hired him to take her home from Center City, then refused to pay the $35 fare! (Drippy couldn't drive herself, since her license was suspended . . . for driving DUI!) When asked why she thought she could get away with defrauding the cab company, Drippy replied, "I thought my boyfriend would pay for the ride."
Buzz! Wrong answer! But we have some lovely parting gifts for you . . . like a ten foot by ten foot cell!
I told Drippy that unless she ponied up the dough for the cab fare, she was going to get locked up. She still refused, and received a delightful pair of steel bracelets for her trouble. Off to jail we go. Here's the actual conversation from the ride to the cell block (and remember, she's completely wasted):
Drippy - "What am I being charged with?"
Wyatt - "Theft."
Drippy - "Why?"
Wyatt - "Because you didn't pay for the cab ride."
Drippy - "Oh. (A second later) What am I being charged with?"
Wyatt - "Theft."
Drippy - "Why?"
Wyatt - "I just told you!"
Drippy - "But what am I being charged with?"
Wyatt - (Head explodes.)
Okay, the last part was embellished, but the rest of the conversation is word-for-word. I know, because I wrote it down immediately afterwards so you guys could enjoy this pure gold. This makes two arrests in as many days for yours truly, and my third of the month. If I'm not careful, I may accidentally become a good cop!
Perish the thought.
You should have changed the charge everytime she asked. "What am I being Charged with?" "theft" "What am I being Charged with?" "Being stupid with out a liscence" "What am I being Charged with?" "Indecent conduct with a lawn ornament." so forth so on
ReplyDeleteDoc - Where were you last night at 2am? I could have used the cue cards!
ReplyDeleteHey, I resemble that remark!
ReplyDeleteYou should have let her at least rode shotgun and play with the lights and sirens... prolly would'a kept her quiet.
I think peakah is in a constant state of "buzz"! And dealing with the public is so crazy!!
ReplyDeleteSounds like she's on an intellectual level with my nearly 3 year old.
ReplyDelete"Where are we going?" "Where are we going?" "Where are we going?" ad nauseum.
It's possible the liquor greased a few cogs and made her a bit smarter than usual...
My head would've exploded one time earlier.
ReplyDeleteYou're a saint, Wyatt.
You've given me a whole new appreciation for my relatives who share your occupation. They won't know what to do if I start acting all nice to 'em.
ReplyDeleteAt what point can you pull out your taser and hit them in the tatas?
ReplyDeletePeak - My luck; she would have grabbed the wheel and steered us into a tree.
ReplyDeleteSsssteve - He's got about 50 kids. I'd be in a "buzz" all day, too!
AFW - At least she didn't ask, "Are we there yet?"
CUG - Nah, just a little more patient than usual.
SK - It's a good job - even with the dolts.
Man - I wish. The bizzarro thing about the story is that when she showed me her ID, I almost fainted. She was gorgeous! Guess that's what a litle makeup, hair gel, and dry clothes will do for a girl.
Hey Wyatt...nothing to do with the drunk stupid girl....I've seen quite a few of those in my day. Good for laughs and not much else. Anyway...you'll appreciate this: Watching the Flyers; the quick scores are happening against them, AND the injury bug has reared its head. UGH...one team down already because of injuries and now it is like, "next!"--Sorry premature "this town is cursed" rambling. Ok...I'm gonna go back to the game. In the new NHL I'm sure a bazillion goals have been scored. Ciao!
ReplyDeleteI could NOT do your job. She would have been tasered before I put her in the car.
ReplyDeleteRT - You are correct: this town (Sports-wise) is cursed. The second they erected (heh, heh) a building taller than William Penn's hat, no major team has won a championship. Although the AHL Phantoms won the title last year. And get used to it, with the new (kickass) rules, scoring will be insane this season.
ReplyDeleteGunny - Sure you could. A three-year old gila monster could do my job.
Wyatt, the only problem with that is that Mayor Wrong Way Street and his predecessor, Fast Cheesesteak Eddie, have been trying to pay you guys as if you were 3-year-old gila monsters.
ReplyDeleteBob - Agreed, but every time I complain about my salary, it seems like I'm not happy with the job. I still love it (I'll love it more when I get promoted), but our salaries are a disgrace.
ReplyDelete