Dr. Earpy's Answer Prescription

Since I'm too cheap to get you all a Christmas present - and you bastards got me nothing for my promotion - please enjoy the gift that keeps on giving . . . knowledge!

Ssssteve asks, "If I strangle, oops, I mean hug a hippie right before I am to eat my meal, should wash my hands?"

Ssssteve, to be on the safe side, you should wash your hands before and after strangling a hippie. And remember to wear eye and ear protection; if that petuli stink gets in your mucous membranes, you'll spend your holiday in the ICU.

5 Minutes To Work (aka Wagonsux) asks, "When you drive to Southwest Defectives, will you take the expressway or surface streets?"

5MTWAW, I'm gonna fly there. Everyone says that I'm a blimp, so I intend to use it to my advantage. Oh, the humanity!

RT asks, "What is the relationship between uniformed police and detectives? What types of things do you actually do?"

RT, uniformed officers are pond scum. Detectives are the most important people in all the land. Actually, detectives hold no rank over officers (except the higher tax bracket), and simply take over a report where an officer left off.

The Anti-Hippie asks, "Am I allowed to think goth chicks are hot without having to get 800 piercings and f-ed up hair?"

Anti-Hippie, that's a terrific question. Anyone who reads SYLG knows that I am a much better flirt than I am a detective. Thus, I feel it is totally acceptable to be attracted to goth chicks. A perfect example is Lucy Lawless' minor role in Spider-man, where she is all gothed-up and comments that a guy with eight arms "sounds hot." Yummy!

SK asks, "Now that you're detecting, do you still have a gun?"

SK, it's Philly dear, EVERYONE carries a gun here! The good thing about being a detective is that by the time we reach a scene, that bad guys are long gone. Of course, that doesn't mean that we won't get pelted with friendly fire by co-workers. Yeah, Wagonsux, I'm looking at you!

Air Force Wife asks, "If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it, do the hippies still blame George Bush?"

AFW, not at all. Thanks to George Bush's nazi environmental policies, soon there will be no trees, no woods, and no oxygen for the poor little terrorist children. Bush lied, trees died!

Tyler D asks, "Whatever happened to Damian? Why is he commenting on IMAO? WHY!?"

Tyler, who the hell is Damian? There used to be a guy named Damian that commented here, but I thought he fled the country when Bush was re-elected. He is probably commenting on IMAO because people actually read that blog.

The Man asks, "Are you more of a Shaft detective or a Magnum P.I. detective?"

TM, I guess I am more of a Magnum P.I. detective because; 1. Linda loves Magnum, and 2. shaft detectives are assigned to the Special Victims Unit. Oh, you meant from the movie Shaft? My bad.

Some guy named Damian G asks, "How jealous is Tyler D that I'm posting at IMAO?"

Damian, although Tyler denies it, he is very jealous of your posting. What? Oh, wait a minute, since Tyler is gonna be posting at Blogs4Bauer now, he has little use for IMAO. At least that's his story.

Moxargon asks, "When you arrest a suspect, just how much torture is permitted? I understand that with your Earthling Republicans in power you've even allowed to force suspects to listen to Celine Dion and Eminem, something that's banned on most planets under the Treaty of Oglaplax-9." He then (as usual) asks for information on Earth's defenses.

Moxargon, "torture" is one of those annoying buzzwords that offend some spineless humans. (You will want to eat them first, since they go down so smoothly.) Law enforcement officers prefer information extraction . . . plus the little known rider "with extreme prejudice." Oh, by the way, Earth's defenses are ready for your pillaging, since liberals put political correctness before security.

Vox Poplar asks, "Is your job like Law & Order where it always turns out to be the religious or politically conservative guy like in the episode described here (http://www.vox-poplar.blogspot.com/2005/12/flaw-odour.html)? How do you feel about other bloggers using your comments section to flog their own blog?"

Vox, Law & Order is a fictional show. I mean, really, we all know that religious and/or politically conservative guys never break the law. That trend is held for liberal scumbags like Bill and Hillary Clinton. And I have no problem with folks whoring their blogs here, despite the fact that I give all Q&A participants linky love at the beginning of their question.