"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." - Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars
I have good news and bad news with regards to the whole detective thing. The good news is that I'm finally getting the hang of this stuff. I processed two arrests, and handled two investigations last night. The bad news is that I was told last night that I had court this morning at 9am. Ah, the dreaded "overnighter."
Don't get me wrong, court isn't so bad anymore. Detectives get to wear plainclothes, and today's case gave me some overtime (Cha-ching!), but I got home from work last night at 12:30am . . . just to wake up for court at 7am. Ouch.
Any hoo, everyone has to report to the courtroom by 9am at the latest; unless you're the judge, then you can appear whenever the hell you like. Today's version of Harry Stone waltzed in at 10:10am. But that's not what has me terribly vexed. What had me running out of the courtroom screaming for an airsickness bag was one of the parties in a domestic assault case.
Dig, if you will, a picture. The twenty-something Latino woman was about five feet tall, and probably weighed in at 250 pounds. This is not an exaggeration. She had shoulder-length hair that had enough grease for a lube job, and her mustache was very becoming. One would think that a woman this striking - she looked as if she had been struck many times . . . by a bus - would not flaunt her Jabba-like appearance. One would be wrong.
When she stands up for the case, she is wearing an extremely tight light blue short-sleeve belly shirt! She looked like Bruce Banner just as he is changing into The Incredible Hulk. From the sides and the back, you could see no less than three rolls: her breasts, her first belly, then her second one. It was absolutely brutal. A female officer standing next to me burst out laughing and said "You've gotta be kidding me." Even some of the fat women in the room were shaking their heads in disbelief. Did this behemoth actually think she looked good in that get-up? Hey, I'm not as thin as I was in college. As a result, I DON'T WEAR CLOTHES THAT ARE TOO SMALL! Damn!
Since I won't regain my sight anytime soon, my female readers are welcome to send pictures of themselves to my e-mail address as a cure. Come on, it's for a good cause!
Oh, poor cowboy! I had a photo ready to go and somehow deleted it! I guess we know what you'll be doing as soon as you get home! Sleeping?
ReplyDeleteIf that was a domestic case, maybe he made her wear that as a punishment or something.
Try some Visine!
I don't want to crush SSSStevie's spirit or take away ALL of his flair........but, ffffirst!
But it was such a good try Wyatt.
ReplyDeleteYou must be tired to try something that blatent! I disagree with Doc., you didn't even try and disguise it. Get some "sleep" and try it again!
ReplyDeleteLinda you will NEVER crush my spirit, nor can you take away my dignity.... oops that's some crappy song. I mean my Flair!!
Unfortunately, I too, no longer fit the "babe" category. I was shopping in a "woman's" store a few years back and the clothes on the racks were what I call fat-girl denial. Mini-skirts, sheer blouses...I won't go on. I asked quite out loud...doesn't anybody have any pride? What self-respecting person would dress like a fat hooker. Anyway...I'm blabbing. Sounds like this was a "it's five o'clock somewhere" day...have a good stiff drink.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your job is going better. :) Was her thong showing???HA HA
Unless you've seen a man who looks just like that (and dressed just like that) up close, you won't know what brutal assault on the eyes is. *g*
ReplyDeleteAL-L-L RIGHTY THEN, SSSStevie! Soft moment over!
ReplyDeleteEarpy, could you turn over? Snoring reaching all the way to here! ;) Sweet dreams, you little sexist!
What do you expect it was warm in Philly today, the sausages had to come out. I won't be suprised if she was wearing her slippers too.
ReplyDeleteL
"What self-respecting person would dress like a fat hooker"
ReplyDeleteA fat hooker would. I've driven around in Philly - I've seen some of those offerings and they have to ge their clothes SOMEWHERE.
Poor Wyatt. Why don't you rent Pirates of the Caribbean, root for the death of Johnny Depp, and devour Keira Knightly. Should cure you right up.
Uber has a point....I'm thinking any beach, middle-aged male...looking 12 months pregnant...and a speedo. mmmmm I want me some of that!
ReplyDeletehmmmm rt did you mean "beached, middle aged male"? Cause I have seen some of those on the beaches around San Diego! And Wyatt, try some eye wash, hubby says it helps a little. Your mustached hussy used to live next door to us and he went through some really tramatic times. LOL pssst..also nice try on the pics, not happenin' though;)
ReplyDelete*shudders*
ReplyDeleteThere should be a law...
Lin - Visine would do it . . . if there was some added hydrochloric acid!
ReplyDeleteDoc - Thanks, Doc!
Ssssteve - I was exhausted. It was brutal.
RT - You had to say "thong" didn't you?
Uber - I am that man! :)
Lin - Not that there's anything wrong with that.
L - It's the Kensington prom dress.
AFW - Mmm . . . Keira!
RT - The dreaded "marble smuggler."
SK - Well, it was worth a try :)
CUG - I think there is!