Love Is The Answer

But I forgot the questions. Well, I guess it's better late than funny. Here are your long-awaited answers.

Ssssteve asks, "Why do babies wait to pee after you take the diaper off?"

Sssteve, my wife told me to write that I wouldn't know, since I don't change diapers. I told her dinner wasn't ready, and she should know her role. The answer is that they think they are at Coney Island, and they get a SpongeBob doll if they "shoot the clown in the face."

Peakah asks, "If you had the green light to go Jack Bauer on someone's arse, which torture technique would you start with . . . if he was extra stubborn, how would you proceed?"

That's easy, Peak; start with a Wet Willie, and work my way towards the dreaded "Rear Admiral!"

Mom asks, "If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be and why?"

Can I be Spider-Man? I would probably choose New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin. This way, no matter how many times I screw up royal, I would never get any blame.

Mom also asks, "Who influenced you the most in your life?"

My mother. BAWAHAHAHA!!! Nah, I'm yankin' ya. Actually, it was probably the punk bastard that jumped me on the way home from a high school dance. He was the sole reason I became a police officer - to get scum like him off the streets.

Michael Hodges asks, "I'm sure it's a pretty easy guess 'no,' but do you think we'll have a Republican Mayor on '08?"

Michael, you have a better chance of seeing me make out with Kiira Korpi! Philly hasn't had a Republican mayor since the 40's . . . and look what great shape we're in!

Michael Hodges also asks, "Pat's or Geno's? Wit or wit out? American, or Moz?"

I'm trying to diet, you sadist!!! Okay, I lean towards Geno's. Wit. Neither, I'm a Cheez Whiz man.

Deathlok warns me of my answer to the above question, then asks, "Jim's or Tony Luke's?"

Deathlok, I think Jim's is better than Pat's or Geno's. It's the ONLY reason to go to South Street. Call it blasphemy, but it's just my preference. With lotsa onions, hot peppers and Cheez Whiz. Mmm . . .

Fmragtops asks, "Riddle me this: if goose juice is juices of gooses, and moose juice is juices of mooses, then why is there a wocket in my pocket?"

Fm, perhaps it is because you like to yank your doodle . . . it's a dandy? Wockets are actually an endangered species. The authorities are enroute to your pants with a search warrant as I type.

Fmragtops also asks, "When did you make Detective? Is that a promotion in Philly, or a lateral transfer? Are you liking it so far?"

I became a "dick" on December 19th. Actually, I've been a dick all my life, but now I'm getting paid for it. It is a promotion, and so far, I have interrogated lying toads, searched underwear drawers (with a warrant), and seen quite a few dead bodies. Long answer short: it rocks!

Air Force Wife asks, "Did you teach your wife any 'take-down' techniques? And, if so, does she use them on you when you get mouthy?"

AFW, I tried to teach her some, but she kept telling me she had a headache.

Wagonsux asks, "The red shirt you were wearing the last time I saw you; how many batteries does it take?"

It actually glows from my chemotherapy. For you see, I have cancer, and will soon be dead. Now don't you feel like a small, small man?

GunnNutt asks, "What kind of wine does one serve with Rack of Goat?"

Gunny, that's probably a question for Dr. Phat Tony, but I would suggest blood red.

The Anti-Hippie asks, "If a tree falls on a hippy and no one is around, is it still George Bush's fault?"

A-H, actually, it would be the environmentalist whackos fault. They are big into conservation, so if a tree that was scheduled for falling simply falls on its own, G.W. is in the clear. And remember, we can save plenty of trees by writing on the skins of hippies.

Little Miss Chatterbox asks, "What would you do if you were allowed to be alone in an interrogation room with President "Weasel" Logan?"

LMC, the first thing I would tell him is to buy his wife a better bra! Cripes, she shows her cans more than Pamela Anderson! (I'm sorry, can I say "cans" on the internet?)

Tyler D. asks, "I only asked once damnit. Did you ever get a pimp name?"

I did not, only because I use my Indian pimp name: Dances With Hos.

Bob asks, "Why is JimmyB jealous? Why is the mayor of Philadelphia not named Wrong-Way Street? How many cheesesteaks (wid, of course) can Fast Eddie Rendell eat while his chauffeur is going 97 mph in a 55 zone on the Turnpike?"

Bob, where should I begin? First, JimmyB has nothing to be jealous about. He is a very talented blogger. BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Second, Street is not named Wrong-Way because he already has a street named for him: San Francisco's Lombard Street. The most crooked street in America. Finally, Fat Eddie can eat one steak for every 10 miles traveled. If you take the quantifier of the excessive speed . . . ah, screw it. The answer is A LOT!

Anonymous asks, "Boxers or briefs?"

Wrong again. "I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!"

The CUG states, "Sorry. I only had a question about your service weapon."

CUG, I said personal questions, but not that personal!

RT asks, "Why is the sky blue? And if you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?"

RT, my brother-in-law would say because God is a Penn State fan, but since Penn State sucks arse, I will tell you that it is because God is a New York Rangers fan. HA! If I could be a tree, I would be a bulldozer. I HATE TREES!

Thus ends another Q&A crap-o-rama. Wow, you guys waited all day for this?