An Open Letter To Jessica Simpson

Dearest Jessica,

Congratulations on your recent publicity. I am truly happy for all of your success; it is well deserved. After all, that gig for Pizza Hut has really rocketed you to the stratosphere of superstardom. Hell, just look what happened to Kermit the Frog’s career when he shared the limelight with Miss Piggy.

And where do I begin with your happy, happy marriage? You and Nick are Hollywood’s perfect couple. I foresee many joyous years together. Sure, some pundits have suggested that the 24-hour, 7 days a week national exposure of your personal lives would be a strain on your relationship, but you two sure proved them wrong!

It is a testament to your wisdom that you have yet to experience the pitfalls of your equally talented sister, Ashlee. You have the foresight to double-check which song you are about to lip-synch, while Ashlee will soon grace the covers of Swank and Barely Legal. Kudos!

Finally, I wanted to commend you on your recent snub of President Bush. Never mind that a hack performer such as Bono had the courtesy to meet with the President of the United States. You’re Jessica Simpson; you laugh in the face of decorum. Keep up the good work!