The Bombing Begins In Five Minutes

The hack media is abuzz with speculative reports that the Bush Administration is secretly planning an attack on Iran. Some reports have even suggested that the attack could involve nuclear weapons. Although the President has denied these claims, the media has (as usual) ignored him. Coincidentally enough, SYLG has uncovered additional “Secret Bush Plans” that may shock and awe you.

Top Ten Lesser Known “Secret Bush Plans”

10. Eliminate Yale’s lacrosse competition by sending Condi Rice “on assignment” to Duke.
9. Film Catholics at Muslim-dominated camel races to look for discrimination.
8. Turn the Middle East into a sea of glass. (Oh, that one is widely known.)
7. Sabotage the Thermos Corporation to make the hot side cold and the cold side hot.
6. Manipulate television broadcast signals to make Helen Thomas appear ugly.
5. Only send Ben Affleck lousy scripts to make him seem like a lousy actor.
4. Keep his oil coffers full by mandating Americans change their oil every 3 miles.
3. Frame Jack Bauer for murder. (Sorry, that’s a President Logan Secret Plan.)
2. Bring back the J. Geils Band.

And the number one Secret Bush Plan:

1. Allow millions of illegal immigrants across the border so they can “Vote for Pedro.”