Golfing, With A Twist Of Limekiln

The dreaded scorecard. My scores are at the top.

For the three of you who wondered why today’s posts are so late, I was lucky enough to hit the links this morning before work tonight. My foursome (Me, Badger, Badger’s brother Sean, and his friend Pip) drove out to Limekiln Golf Club in Ambler, PA. The club is composed of three nine-hole courses, so the starter can mix and match courses, and thus, avoid long lines.

Badger ruined my day almost immediately when he said “we” bet Sean and Pip $5 each for the best score on the front nine, back nine, and the total score. That’s $15 each “we” were bound to lose, because Sean is a fabulous golfer, and Pip is at least as good as me. The only thing we had going for us was that Sean was still a little drunk from Friday’s night out. I mean, how well can he play drunk, right?

Sean then hit a 200-yard drive, straight down the middle of the fairway. Frak!

I hit a decent drive, and wound up with a 6 on the first hole. Not bad, but not great. I followed with a 4, a 6, and two straight 8’s. It was getting pretty damned ugly. After five holes, we were down ten strokes.

Then, something happened. I started playing out of my mind.

I hit a par on the 7th, then a 7, a 5, and another par on the 9th. My total for the first half was 51, which is much better than I usually score. Badger came out with a 46, for a team total of 97. Sean and Pip ended the front with a 47 and a 49, respectively, for a total of 96. We lost the front, but only by one.

I started the back nine with a 4, then a 7, and then followed with two straight pars. The last was my fourth of the day: new league record! Another despicable 8, I followed with a 5, which put my score at 83 with three holes to go. Suddenly, a thought appeared in my mind: “Oh my God, I may break 100 here.”

And then I frakked everything up: I said that out loud!

Badger and Sean just said, “You touched the money!” I tried to put it out of my mind, but I couldn’t. “I jinxed myself. I jinxed myself!” As I lined up for the 180-yard, par 3 16th, the jinx was still rattling through my empty head. I swung at the ball, made contact . . . and it went just past the ladies tee. FRAK!!! The next two shots were a blur. Both deep, wet rough shots that went nowhere. I miraculously finished the hole with a 6 – and was happy about it. Now, I had an 89.

On 17, it was more of the same. My trajectory was all over the place, and I shot a double bogey 6. Now, I was at 95, with the 401-yard, par 4 18th remaining. I needed a par to break 100.

My drive was fantastic, long and straight. It landed about 160 yards from the pin. I was still alive. My second shot went a little right, and short. I was about 75 yards from the pin. Now I am getting worried. I could still save par with a decent wedge shot. My third shot hit the ball wrong, and it went left into the greenside rough. Damnit. Sensing defeat, I took the next shot, and my wedge went underneath the ball, barely moving it. I was still in greenside rough, and decided to putt it out, since the 99 was now a figment of my imagination. It rolled true, and stopped a half inch from the pin. Everyone yelled, and I said, “Ten second rule! No one touch it until it falls in!”

It never did, and I tapped in for a disappointing 6. Total score: 101.

What? You were expecting a happy ending with me involved?