Me And Toad's Wild Ride

An actual phone conversation I received at the detective division today:

Me: "Hello, may I help you?"
Toad: "Yeah, I wanna know how to press charges."

Me: "Okay. What kind of incident were you involved in?" (Poor grammar, I know.)
Toad: "I was in a fight with some dyke."

Me: "Um, okay. What exactly happened?"
Toad: "This lesbo kept making noise out on da street. I's gots to get up in the morning for work, so I went out there and told her I was gonna kick her ass."

Me: "Then what happened?"
Toad: "I jumped on that dyke and started punching the hell outta her."

Me: "So, you assaulted this woman?"
Toad: "No, I was defendin' myself!"

Me: "How's that?"
Toad: "You know how those dykes are, they are always making trouble, keeping everyone up all night, and doing drugs."

Me: (Heavy sarcasm) "Oh sure, ma'am. I hear that every lesbian is exactly that way."
Toad: "Yeah, so I kicked her ass, but then she punched me. That's assault! I wanna press charges on da bitch!"

Me: "Okay, ma'am. I can help you with that. What's your name and address, so I can issue my warrant?"
Toad: "What do ya mean?"

Me: "Well, you just admitted you threatened and assaulted a woman. When I get the warrant for her, I'll have to get one for you, too."
Toad: "No, you don't understand. She's a dyke. She has to get locked up."

Me: "I think I do understand, ma'am, and I think you'll make terrific cellmates. Now what's your name and address?"
Toad: "F**king cop. F**k you!" (Hangs up.)

God, I love stupid, ignorant people.