Answer Me This, Caped Crusader

I have considered your questions and found them to be sufficient. My answers? Well, not so much. Eh, I tried. Here's the unfunny. Bon apetit.

Captain Den asks, "Is Captain Den the real brains behind your blog? Captain Den RULES!"

Captain Den, using the word "brains" when referring to my blog is like using the word "hot" when describing Hillary Clinton. If you want to take credit for this literary abortion, be my guest. Me? I'm claiming to be the real brains behind Mr. Skin!

JimmyB asks, "Why didn't you make the first Gunbloggers Rendezvous? You were missed And I mean that in a totally not-gay way."

Jimmy, I wish I could have attended. Unfortunately, I am a very busy guy. In a given calendar year (365 days), I spend the equivalent of 245 days working, 60 days in court, 30 days playing ice hockey, 14 days on vacation, and 15 days stalking Uber. That leaves me one day, which I just spent answering your question. Happy now?

RT asks, "Is it true that the good Cap'n is the mysterious love child of Frank Rizzo, Sr and Anna Verna?"

RT, oh there's no mystery about it. The terrific - yet butt-ugly - former Philly mayor and the average - yet even more butt-ugly - current City Council President are indeed Denny's true parents. Sadly, when they saw how obscenely ugly their spawn was, they dropped his bassinet into the toxic Delaware River. Years later, the build up of pollution created the sarcastic, balding, wisp of a man you read every day.

Peakah asks, "What do you suggest those of San Francisco pack away when the first missiles leave North Korean shores? (No, 'fudge' is not an acceptable answer.)"

Peak, damnit, you took my answer! I would suggest they drop their pants, grab their ankles, and wait for the Taepodong missile, as usual.

Pandy asks, "Why don't I want to blog lately?"

Pandy, it's because you currently live in Italy. The last time the Italians did any work, they were marching through North Africa in 1940.

Vincent Antonelli asks, "Please feel free to send Elle over. Tell her I like heels and I can supply my own cuffs."

Vinnie, that's not a question, yutz. Unfortunately, the fact that you like to wear heels is not an endearing quality to either Elle or Emma Laaksonen. Sorry.

See? She looks really pissed off.

Tony B asks, "Wyatt, you're a Philadelphia detective. You ever get to nail any Kelly McGillis hot Amish chicks in the course of your work?"

Tony B, John Book was a homicide detective. They make the most money, and thus, get all the chicks - even Amish ones. Me? My best options are a 75-year old woman who just reported that someone in Sweden bilked her out of $20,000, or a 19-year old crackhead who just stabbed her mother for five dollars.

Grimjack asks, "Is it true that the American Medical Association recommends prostate exams for men over 40 twice a year? My dentist says it's true, but it seems excessive."

Grimjack, your DENTIST told you that? Cripes, what does that guy use for dental floss and flouride treatments?

Fitch asks, "Does JimmyB really mean that in a not gay way? I think he's lying."

Fitch, just because Jimmy has a poster in his bedroom of Seigfried and Roy, every single Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD, and can't stand up after seeing Simon Cowell on the television doesn't mean he's gay. Of course, it doesn't help, though.

Bobby asks, "What is this rash? Will it ever stop itching? Is it socially unacceptable to scratch my groin with my PR-24 in public?"

Bobby, have you been out with Rachel? HA! Burn!! (Kidding, Rach!) The rash is probably clymidia. I hear you can get it from reading First With Flair. It will stop itching eventually, but it's gonna be a long, tough road. I'm with ya big guy. And no, it i not socially unaceptable to scratch yourself with your police baton. I usually use my handcuffs, though.

Sssteve asks, "Wyatt, do you weeble, wobble, or do you just fall down?"

Sssteve, I weeble when I am skating on my bum knees. I wobble when I have three Jameson's shots after a tough loss. And I fall down (laughing) when I am reminded about your cross country trip to buy a lemon. BAWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Steve asks, "Is A-Rod to blame for Cory Lidle's death? (If he didn't choke, the Yankees would still be in the playoffs . . .)"

Steve, of course not. President Bush is to blame. Lidle's plane crash is part of his master plan to win the midterm elections through Gestapo fear tactics. The WTC attacks were implemented by rogue factions inside the White House, just as this "accident" was. Write down the date of the crash (10-11-06) and turn it upside down. Coincidence? I think not.

By the way, Lidle isn't dead; he's in the Federal Witness Protection Program.