Real Life Keystone Cops

Whenever I hear people talk about hard working, hero cops, I occasionally giggle. Don’t get me wrong; there are a lot of hard-working, good cops in my city, and more than a few of them are here in my division. However, my department is chock full of toads, too. Cops who just show up, collect a paycheck, and do less than the average Jerry Springer guest.

Sadly, many of these badge-wearing toads are women.

On my day off, I was shopping in Sam’s Club when I saw this blonde female cop pushing a shopping cart around. I knew she was a cop, because she was in full uniform. The woman turned toward me and I immediately recognized her as one of the toads I used to work with. After doing less than zero in her short career, she now works a cushy 9-5, Monday through Friday gig in the captain’s office of one of my previous assignments. Curiously, she was shopping in the store on Thursday at noon. Do the math. Obviously, she was shopping on the city’s time . . . in full uniform. Nice.

Now, maybe she had court, and stopped there on her way home – although I highly doubt it, since she hasn’t locked anyone up in years. Maybe she was running errands for the captain. Maybe she was lost and thought that the warehouse was her district. (She is, after all, a blonde.) I don’t know. What I do know is that the hundred or so other patrons were shooting glances at her, probably wondering the same thing I was: why the hell aren’t you at work?

I know at least a few of those people left that store with a lesser opinion of the Philadelphia Police Department. And I can’t say that I blame them.