A Message From The Comrade President

Dasvadanya, comrades! As you may already know, INTERPOL has been called in to investigate the dreadful passing of former Hero of the Soviet Union Alexander Litvinenko. Of course, I applaud this move, and will cooperate in any way, shape or form.

Some media outlets have accused Comrade Litvinenko of being a "spy." This charge is ludicrous, since every faithful Party member knows that the Soviet Union, er, Russian Republic, does not employ spies. Comrade Litvinenko was merely a beet farmer, struggling to make ends meet in our Communist Utopia. Besides, Russia obtains our pertinent information the old fashioned way: by watching Entertainment Tonight.

Equally disturbing are the rumors that Comrade Litvinenko was poisoned with radioactive polonium 210. This charge is erroneous on all counts! Russia does not own any more polonium 210, because we sold it all to Iran and al Qaeda. Oh, well, I've said too much.

Finally, the Kremlin is receiving reports from our foreign "beet farmers" that I am considered a suspect in Comrade Litvinenko's untimely demise. This is utterly outrageous! In fact, when I heard he was sick, I immediately ordered a burrito bouquet from the Chernobyl Taco Bell be sent to him at once. Unfortunately, Comrade Litvinenko passed away shortly after my delivery, and I think he should be buried at once without an autopsy.

It's what Comrade Litvinenko would have wanted.