Tales Of Idiocy

Never one to be satisfied with the status quo, I wanted to try a new regular feature at SYLG entitled Tales of Idiocy. Most of the tales will draw upon personal experience and the experiences of my jackass friends. And I use the term “jackass” in a loving, and respectful manner. These stories are 100 percent true.

With a buildup like that, these stories must be good, right? I guess you’ll tell me. I now present to you, Tales of Idiocy.

Our friend Rob went to prestigious Swarthmore College in Pennsylvania. The Quakers, who founded this institution of higher learning, would be shocked and appalled at some of the frat parties that went on in the 90’s. Rob’s particular fraternity was the most egregious offender, and thus, the greatest fraternity on the face of the earth.

One weekend Vincent Antonelli, The Badger, Fish, Jim, and I went to Rob’s party at the campus frat house. As was usually the case when we were in college, we were drunk 75 seconds after we entered the house. Between the beer and the tequila, we put the binge in binge drinking. This went on for hours.

At some point in the night, Vinnie went outside to take one of his patented “drunk walks;” a late-night excursion to contemplate life’s mysteries and vomit in private. The Badger and Jim went along. Vinnie thought it would be a good idea to walk into the woods and see if they could find their way back. A brilliant plan, since they barely knew where they were in the first place.

Deep in the woods, the trio found some railroad tracks and started walking along them like a bunch of drunken hobos. It was pitch black, and there was little visibility, but they pressed onward until they came to a bridge. The bridge crossed a valley, but due to the darkness, no one knew exactly how deep the chasm was. The Badger picked up a stick and dropped it over the side, so the brain surgeons could hear the thud when it hit the ground.

They heard nothing. Not a good sign.

At that moment, Vinnie saw a light in the distance. It blazed a path from the horizon toward their location, but since they had recently murdered a few thousand brain cells, it took a second for them to put one and one together. Finally, one of them asked aloud, “What’s that?” The three looked toward the light and their lights finally came on:

“TRAIN!”

A freight train was speeding down the track towards my idiot friends. Unluckily for them, they were almost exactly halfway across the bridge, and they couldn't jump down. They decided to make a run for it. For some reason, The Badger and Vinnie ran towards the train, while Jim ran away from it. Jim ran the further distance. Jim made it to the other side of the bridge and ran to safety. The Badger and Vinnie had a more difficult time. They ran toward the oncoming train, desperately hoping to make it to the side of the chasm in time. Both made it with little time to spare, and jumped to the ground mere seconds as the train - whistle blaring - sped by.

When the three recovered from their simultaneous heart attacks, they returned to the party and regaled us with their brush with death. Then drank themselves half to death until dawn.