"Idol" Chatter

Well, last night was the "fabulous" premier of yet another dreadful season of American Idol. I am not a fan of the show, but if I told everyone I never watched it, no one would believe me.

That being said, I have never watched the show.

Of course, due to its puzzling popularity, I have seen a few clips here and there, especially when the missus is frying her brain during the program. Last night was one of those nights.

I was getting ready for bed, and Simon was berating a red-headed guy - and I use that term very flamboyantly - who could have been Carrot Top's dumber, trashier brother. Unfortunately, I missed this idiot's performance, but I was lucky enough to hear him proclaim how talented he thought he was.

And the only thing that kept running through my mind was, "God, is every contender on this program as gay as a French horn?" I wasn't sure which bothered me more; the fact that he made Liberace seem like Clint Eastwood, or that he was talking "street" with a lisp! Somehow I just cannot fear a man who is trying to verbally beyotch slap Simon Cowell with one hand on his hip.

Maybe I am relying too much on appearances, but it seems that homosexual males gravitate toward this show like Paris Hilton to a Free Clinic. I am not necessarily looking for Alpha males who chew tobacco and chug beers, but maybe if there were a few more of them, every other guy in the competition wouldn't be saddled with the Clay "He's Gotta Be Gay" Aiken moniker. And that, from my warped point of view, is the trouble with American Idol. Out of the thousands of performers who sign up for this abuse, maybe 95 percent of the males are charter members of the Judy Garland Fan Club.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.