People Are Idiots

After our grand purchase yesterday, we felt that spending even more of our hard-earned money would be a swell idea, so we took the kids out to dinner. We wound up at the local diner, and took our seats. The waitress came over, took our orders, and the missus and I made a bee line to the salad bar.

What awaited me was much of the cast from a Jerry Springer highlight show.

1. The Woman Who Killed Dr. Atkins. This woman stood about 5'5", and easily weighed in at a whopping 300 pounds. Her neck rolls had neck rolls. She was at the salad bar (remember this), and this was what she slapped onto her plate: three large dinner rolls, two scoops of croutons, and some shredded cheddar cheese. She topped this concoction with blue cheese dressing. No lettuce. No vegetables. No kidding.

Hey, Rosie, I think I found the source of your unending weight gain!

2. The Catholic High School Whore. Normally, this woman would be interesting, except for the fact that she made Paris Hilton look chaste. This girl - she couldn't have been older than sixteen - was wearing her Catholic school uniform, complete with sweater, dress shirt, and "skorts." I know what you're thinking: "Wyatt, what's the problem?" Well, the problem with this tramp is that she hiked/rolled her skort up so high, that I think I could see her kidneys. That's a good (read: GREAT!) look at the nudie bar. At the local family diner? Not so much.

Good job, honey. Now go home and tell your parents you're a whore.

3. The Two Elderly Long Island Yenta Sisters. This bickering couple was just itching to be brutally beaten with the salad tongs. From the time we entered the diner, to the time they finally left, these women argued about anything and everything. Unfortunately for us, they DID SO AT SUCH A HIGH VOLUME, THAT EVERY CUSTOMER HEARD EVERY WORD!!! The final argument ended when one sister screamed, "I should slap you in the face!" I, and every other person in the diner, was privately hoping for that to happen. Morons.

Luckily for them, I didn't have my service weapon with me.