Support Your Local Gunfighter's 2,000th Post

Hello, my name is Bond. James Bond. And I am here to notify you of a great threat to our nations' security: the blogger known as Wyatt Earp.

Earp has threatened the free, peace-loving countries of the world with his "2,000th Post" - a euphemism our SIS believes would spell the end of our civilization. In short: a dirty bomb that would leave our cities in the dust. A threat we have termed: Wyatt2K.

Our dossier will be presented in sections.

I. Understanding The Villain

To understand the threat, we must first understand the villain. I have known Wyatt since he put pen to paper, and foot to ass of deserving idiot politicians and celebrities. In my opinion, he has done a terrible job.

But don't tell him that. You see, in real life Wyatt is nothing like he appears on this insipid time-waster he calls a blog. Sure, he's still a sarcastic wiseass, but underneath all of that bile lies a fairly shy, highly self-conscious person. Well, I think there's a person under all of that blubber. I mean this guy looks like Goldfinger . . . without the wealth. But I digress. The many compliments he receives here are appreciated, but he feels they are unwarranted. Wyatt is a perfectionist, and has rarely posted anything he thought was "gold."

Mrs. Grim asked what the REAL Wyatt is like. Well, I'll tell you. He rarely takes anything seriously, and has been seen cracking wise at weddings, funerals, and bar mitzvahs. His greatest joy is making other people laugh. Frankly, the only time when you can catch him in a serious mood is when he's at the division. He takes his career very seriously, and is quite driven when there's work to be done. Once he is caught up, however, it's back to tomfoolery.

He is also an avid reader - bet you didn't know that - and unlike Deathlok, Wyatt reads books without pictures. At last check, he has four novels and three historical biographies on his waiting list. Because he loves to read, he is more of a loner than you would think. He spends most of his nights at home, and despises elaborate functions like the dreaded weddings. A perfect evening for Wyatt is sitting in the basement watching television, or playing PS3 with his sons.

Now, Mrs. Grim, aren't you sorry you asked?

II. Understanding The Threat

Our undercover operatives have determined that the Wyatt2K dirty bombs will be packaged in three distinct packages. These packages will resemble Wyatt's true loves: beautiful women and ice hockey. If you see any of the images listed below, please clear the area, secure the scene, and contact the authorities immediately. Deathlok: familiarize yourself with these photos.













SIS has learned that the delivery of these devices will be made by the New Wave Order. A lunatic fringe of 80's hair band aficionados hell-bent on world domination. These deadly assassins can be identified by their distinctive hairstyles, Flock of Seagulls feathered puffs and Devo-inspired flower pot helmets are a dead giveaway. These dastardly figures should not be approached, even for autographs. Please avoid them like Rosie O'Donnell avoids vegetables.

III. Understanding The Consequences

If the Wyatt2K threat is realized, it will mean the death of us all, and an empty, blogless existence for the internet. Imagine the horror of only being able to access Katie Couric's fluff pieces and Martha Stewart's prison recipes! That is not a world that James Bond wants to contemplate.

Instead, embrace the possibility of the threat coming to fruition, and make every attempt to stop it. The only thing you need to do is to know this:

Wyatt Earp is eternally grateful for your continued readership and support.

Good night, and good luck. James Bond.

(Linked at OTB's Beltway Traffic Jam.)