GOP Trounces All Competition In Michigan!

Apparently, the Democrats were so afraid of the GOP's might, that most of the candidates took their names off the ballot!

Well, Hillary Clinton left her name on the ballot, but that's only because she's a publicity hog. Remember that time when she slipped that Mickey into Monica Lewinsky's drink? Sure, she was humiliated for a day or two, but the payoff - a Senate seat, worldwide notoriety, and the free penis enlargement - was well worth it.

But I digress.

Anyway, it's party time in GOP Headquarters. Actually, SYLG sources have infiltrated the Republican stronghold, nestled deep inside the bowels of Mount Rushmore. The following is an actual transcript from the celebration:

Karl Rove: "Gentlemen, tonight we celebrate the total destruction of the liberal Democrats. And, as is the custom, we will each drink the blood of one newborn baby!"

(Cheering, applause.)

Karl Rove: "The Democrats have faltered in Michigan, and Barack Obama - he's a black guy, you know - did not carry the Muslim vote at all; which is good, because those darn Muslims are so freakin' scary. This is a victory for the Republican party, and if these trends continue, we will march unopposed to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!"

(Applause, cheering, cries of "Rooooove!")

Karl Rove: "Thank you, thank you! Please dance the night away, but remember to be back at work on time tomorrow. I mean, how are we going to stick it to America if we all call off sick, right?"

(Laughter, cheering, beach balls fly through the crowd.)

Truly a great moment. The Republicans have come back into power like a phoenix rising from Arizona . . . what? What's that? The Democrats pulled themselves off the ballot to punish Michigan for the early vote? Oh.

Damnit.