Love Is The Answer

Unfortunately, I cannot give "Love" as an answer to every question in this edition of Q&A. Actually, I probably can, since this edition only garnered five questions, and one rant. This segment went over like sex at a funeral. I must be losing my touch.

Undaunted, I will answer these burning questions, and thus make five people happy.

Randal Graves asks, "What are you going to do once Barack wins the election in November? WOOOOOHOOOO!"

Randal, I'll probably snort some coke - it'll be legal by Inauguration Day - bone up on the Koran, and apply for the New York Rangers head coaching job. Sure, I'm not at all qualified, but if management likes how I look and falls for my plagiarized speeches, I am sure to get the job! Nah, I'm yankin' ya. I'll probably do exactly what you're been doing for eight years now; tell everyone "He's not my President."

Remulak MoxArgon asks, "Where do you stand on alien warlords and vengeance?"

Mox, when it comes to alien warlords, I rarely stand. I kneel in submission and accept my fate. Ten years of marriage does that to a man. Actually, I have no problem with vengeful alien warlords, but I have it on good authority that Hillary Clinton despises them. Called them a bunch of p*ssies that don't have the grapes to come see her in person. By the way, her offices are in Washington, D.C. Just follow the stench of corruption.

Molly asks, "Why is it that I can always think of a really good question when you're not asking for them, but the minute you do I got nothing?"

Molly, if I had a nickel for every time that happened to me, I'd have exactly . . . one nickel. Try this from now on: carry a pen and paper with you wherever you go. Then, when a question arises, jot it down! Just don't have your husband carry the pen for you. Little known fact: if you shove a pen in your pocket, it can really hurt "the boys." Ouch.

RT asks, "Will you score a goal this weekend?"

RT, probably not. The OB-GYN told us we can't get it on for at least a month. Oh, you meant at my ice hockey game, didn't you? This is the third time we're playing this team, and both previous times turned into a penalty/fight fest. I cannot promise a goal, but I can probably promise that I'll try and stab someone with my skate blade.

Kim goes on a question rampage and asks, "How do you convince an almost three year old little girl to go to sleep? What is your stance on public breastfeeding? Where are my 5 year old's church shoes? Are you willing to come to Indiana to help with two goats ready to give birth? Should I wake my 5 year old up tonight to watch the lunar eclipse to tie in with todays home school science lesson? Feel like coming over and washing a load of diapers for me?"

Kim, I'll answer those in list form. It's easier on the eyes.

1. That's easy. You tell her the monster under her bed comes out at 8pm, but doesn't eat sleeping girls. Either that, or hit her over the head with a sack of doorknobs. That always worked for my parents.
2. Breastfeeding? Hey, I'm trying to lose weight! Oh, you meant for a woman. That depends. Breastfeeding in public for Jessica Alba? I'm all for it. Breastfeeding in public for Ellen Degeneres? Not so much.
3. Check underneath your shed. That's where I hid my shoes when I didn't want to go to church. Actually, I still hide them there . . .
   
4. I was barely willing to help my wife give birth last week. I am certainly not going to do it for a few goats!
   
5. Don't know what you did with the eclipse, but I would keep him in bed. My dad has me watch a solar eclipse without protection, and I've been blind as a bat ever since. He still giggles about it when my guide dog is not around.
6. I would rather come over and wash the goats. Get out of the sticks, lady. It's 2008; no one uses cloth diapers anymore! :)

Well, there you have it; another Q&A from your pal Wyatt. Hopefully it both informed and entertained. See ya next time!