Tales Of The Obvious

Apparently, guys are idiots when it comes to reading women. Well, duh! More often than not, guys interpret even friendly cues, such as a subtle smile from a gal, as a sexual come-on, and a new study discovers why: Guys are clueless. More precisely, they are somewhat oblivious to the emotional subtleties of non-verbal cues, according to a new study of college students. (H/T - Yahoo!) How is this news? Of course, men are clueless! It's implanted into our DNA. So, as a service to all of my female readers - both of you - I will now explain the male mindset when it comes to women. You may want to sit down . . . and have some duct tape ready. Men think about sex 23 hours a day. (The last hour is spent thinking about what to eat for dinner and how our favorite sports teams are faring.) Even during the most inappropriate times - a funeral, an auto accident, our own wedding - we are looking for hotties in the crowd. It's what we do. And because we think about sex 23 hours a day, we believe that women are naturally thinking the same thing. This presents a problem, because when a woman says hello, our caveman intellect immediately tells us, "She wants me." It doesn't matter if we are troll-like in appearance, battling obesity, or have a third eye; we believe that every attractive woman on earth wants to be ours for eternity. In my case, I believe that woman is Jessica Biel, and men don't get more troll-like in appearance than me. The inverse is also true. A woman would have to purchase a billboard in front of our house, send us an engraved invitation, and broadcast her feelings during halftime of the Super Bowl in order for us to make the connection that she is interested in us. Ladies, this is important: we cannot and will not pick up on your subtle (and not-so subtle) signals. If you meet us at the door dressed in nothing but a hockey jersey, we will walk past you on our way to the television. (Note to the ladies out there: that is every male hockey player's fantasy.) We need to be beaten over the head with a baseball bat to get the signal through. So, when you are pulling out your hair wondering why your man isn't noticing your new hairstyle, perfect makeup, and sexy lingerie, remember this: he's an idiot. I hope this helps.