Axe Me Anything (Answers)

So Friday I had you guys ask me anything your little hearts desire. There were five responses - not bad, since it is so difficult commenting on Blogger - and since I am stuck in court all day, I have ample time to throw out some answers.

Loki asks, "What do you do to relieve stress ... that would not shock those of delicate constitution?"

Loki, I don't have stress! *Tries to quell involuntary muscle spasms* I'm assuming you mean besides complaining to my therapist, my psychiatrist, my pharmacist, and strangers on the street?

I can't - and won't - stress eat anymore, and since I lost all that weight, I get hammered on one beer now. So my go-to stress reliever is walking/jogging. I try to do at least four miles four times a week, right after work when I need it the most. Blogging helps, too, but as we've all seen lately, that can be more stressful than my job.

Mike, aka Proof asks, "Do you use the screen name 'Wyatt' because of the restraining orders, or the witness protection?"

Proof, um.. both? Vica Kerekes needs to take a joke. I wasn't really coming to Hungary to interrupt her wedding... mostly because I am on the no-fly list.

One of my favorite films is "Tombstone," and back in 2005, I thought the name was a good fit, what with the law enforcement angle and all.

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Metoo asks, "Why did you get into police work? Is it because you know girls like guys in uniform?"

Metoo, well duh. How many women do you know who throw themselves at locomotive engineers?

In twenty-one years, there was only one time I knew I could hook up because of the uniform. A girl flagged me down after getting lost around I-95. She wanted me to escort her to the Betsy Ross Bridge. She was crazy cute, and when I stopped at the foot of the bridge, she came over to thank me, and we talked for about an hour. I'm sure the uniform had everything to do with that, because I am not an attractive man, and I would have absolutely dated her... if I wasn't already dating the future Mrs. Earp.

Why did I take this job? Long story short, when I was in high school, my best friend and I were robbed coming home from a school dance. That's all it took. Despite my prickly demeanor, I like to help people. It's a character flaw.

Rick Street asks, "How do you beat the urge to shoot stupid people?"

Rick, it's simple economics. With the price of bullets these days, I can't just go shooting every idiot I run across. Besides, I am saving all my good rounds for people who truly deserve it. Like Vince the ShamWow Guy, and people who respond to, "Hey how are you?" by actually telling you how they are. It was a rhetorical question, dammit!!!

In work, stupid people are part of the job description. I do my best to rage on the inside. It keeps the IAB complaints to a minimum.

Cathy asks, "What is your dream life after you retire?"

Cathy, pr0n star. Definitely.

Actually, I always wanted a house down the shore. Nothing extravagant, just something close to the beach or the bay with a balcony. I want to spend my retirement doing practically nothing except sitting on the balcony with a book, occasionally staring at the ocean or the bay. This job is non-stop work and non-stop stress. I just want to sit, you know? Just sit and watch the day go by.