"I'd like fifteen chicken fa-jy-tas, please!"

The author (pictured above) before his venture into Atkins territory.

Like most police officers, I am a fat bastard. I hate to perpetuate the stereotype, but it's true. My dimensions would make Rosie O'Donnell proud of her appearance: 5'8", 220 pounds. (This is not my weight on Venus, by the way!) The reasons for my Jabba-like rise to Ted Kennedy-ville are complicated, but I have a sneaking suspicion that fried cheese and Guinness Stout played an integral role. Of course, working the steady midnight to eight shift doesn't help, either.

Hopefully, my size 38 jeans will soon go the way of parachute pants - And, yes, before you ask, I had a few pair of those in high school! - because this week, I started the Atkins diet. It sounds great - eat all the bacon, beef, and liquid lard you can absorb, as long as you forego the bread, and you'll take the pounds off! I'd been really skeptical, especially since I lost thirty pounds while on Weight Watchers a few years ago, but many of the cops in my district have had success on Atkins, so I figured I'd give it a go. I'll keep you informed.

Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it.