Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Jumping On The Band Wagon

Monday night was my first day back at work, and, I asked my partner to check my assignment for the tour. It was a good news, bad news situation. The bad news was that I was scheduled to work the wagon . . . again. The good news is that it was a very busy night of scumbags and lunatics, which makes for good blogging. So please, sit back, grab a sandwich, pop open a beer, and revel in the misery that has become my work life.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Last week, I did the sergeants a huge favor and worked the entire week in the operations room. (The usual guy was at training.) The subject of the wagon "wheel" - the list of how many times each officer worked it - came up, and my sergeant noted that I haven't worked the wagon as much as the other officers. I calmly explained that I spend half of my week in the O.R., so naturally, I would work it less than a guy who works the street every day. Of course, since I am a Grade A wiseass, I added that I should get a break from the wagon this week, since I did the bosses a "solid."

Yesterday, Doris e-mails me and says that I am on the wagon my first day back (last night). She overheard another sergeant say that my sergeant put our names in the book with asterisks next to them! So, basically, after doing my sergeant a favor, he rushed to put my name next on the list the second I left on my last day. Sneaky, huh? Any hoo, Gerry and I jumped in the wagon and waited for the maelstrom. It didn't take long:

12:00-12:30am - Fight on the highway. We arrive at the Electronics Boutique to find a large group of teenagers outside the store. Little did I know that the release of Madden 2006 was scheduled for midnight, so we watched the nerds in their natural habitat. Unfortunately, I didn't have my Visa card, or I would have been in line, too.

12:39-3:00am - Sidebar. The biggest toad in the squad goes to the City Garage for "equipment." He never specifies what's wrong with his car, but he stays out of service for two and a half hours!!! Meanwhile, the rest of us are answering 911 calls. Thanks, jerk!

2:00-2:45am - Domestic. We arrive to find a couple arguing in the parking lot. The woman is screaming at the man (her dirtball boyfriend) to leave her alone. The man is refusing to let the woman get into her car. We approach the happy couple and ask how we can help. At this point, the man (who is an African-American) calls us "crackers," "niggers" (sorry, I hate that word, but it's what he said), and "pigs." All in succession! He tells us to copulate with ourselves and starts advancing towards us with his fists up.

(Sidebar - Now, Doris will be the first to tell you that I am the short-tempered, violent one, but amazingly, Gerry loses it this time. He pushed the man away from him and pulled out his O.C. spray. He warns the man that if he doesn't back off, he's gonna spend the night in the hospital. I am amazed, since I never saw Gerry lose it like that. It was cool!)

I'm not sure what changed the man's mind, the O.C. or the look on Gerry's face, but he folded faster than Superman on laundry day. As he left the area, he gave us a few more N-words, and threatened to "sue all you crackers," but that was all.

5:15-6:45am - Hospital Case, 302. As if the day wasn't pleasant enough, our last call was to transfer a lunatic to Friends Psychiatric Hospital. We were greeted by the woman/nutcase, who for some reason was wandering around the E.R. wearing a sheet as a toga. It got worse. When she saw us laughing - yeah, I know it's wrong, but she was damn funny - she put the sheet over her head and said she was Casper the Friendly Ghost. Here she is flapping her arms and saying "boo" to the other patients, while I am trying to keep a straight face. After a half hour of trying to coax her into the wagon, we'd had enough. Grabbing her by the arm/toga, we drug her out of the hospital, literally kicking and screaming; but it wasn't all bad - she serenaded us with show tunes for the entire five mile trip!

So, how was your day at work?


  1. My day has not been THAT interesting.
    However, that is good, in my case. :)

    Great blogging, Wyatt!

  2. If you can't find the crazy person at work, what are the chances that it's you?

  3. Sounds like you had yet another night in paradise.

    Thanks for humoring us. :)

  4. CUG - Thanks, chief!

    Doc - I am almost sure it's me.

    Kate - My pleasure :)

  5. Sounds like the toad got a 2 1/2 hour break.. huh. At least pull your own weight.

    Your job is amazing. kate's right.. thanks for humoring us!!

  6. Steve - If you saw how fat I am you would be amazed that I CAN pull my own weight! :)