Friday, September 23, 2005

The Evil Conservative

In light of recent accusations fired at President Bush (read: blowing New Orleans' levees with dynamite), I believe it is necessary to expose some of the deepest, darkest conspiracies known only to evil conservatives such as myself. I apologize if this offends some of my conservative friends, but I do this for the good of the nation.

Top Ten Other Things George Bush Is Responsible For

10. George Bush cancelled the original Star Trek.

9. Not only did Bush know about 9-11 beforehand, he also let bought Atta's first class ticket. (Of course, as a prank, Bush reserved Atta a kosher meal.)

8. Being a Texas football fan, George Bush rigged every Super Bowl in which the Buffalo Bills were involved. In fact, Scott Norwood was secretly given elephant tranquilizer before his "wide right" field goal attempt.

7. In 1963, when John F. Kennedy was about to blow the lid off Haliburton and its monopolistic tendencies. George Bush let Oswald borrow his old Italian bolt-action rifle.

6. George Bush (as well as Pope Pius XII) created the AIDS virus in the basement of the Vatican, although Bush wanted the original strain to target gays, blacks, and Jews.

5. George Bush is responsible for my cousin Colleen's lactose intolerance.

4. Dick Cheney's health in not failing; he is a cylon. The V.P. is constantly in the hospital to upgrade his software.

3. George Bush singlehandedly destroyed the ozone, because his twins like to wear halter tops and sun dresses year round.

2. George Bush is responsible for this post not being funny. Yeah, blame him.

1. The war in Iraq is a ruse. It is only the first step in George Bush's attempt to gain control of Sweden's vast fondue fields.


  1. Firssst!!

    I think that is hillarious!!

    Is somebody in a crappy mood or what?

  2. as for #8, I KNEW IT!

    That bastard... I can't believe I voted for him twice... had I known, it totally would have been a deal breaker! ARrrrrrgggghhhh!

  3. At least the VP is a cylon and not EVIl.

  4. Steve - Whatever gave you that idea? I am perfectly well-adjusted.

    Peak - Sorry, but that one was for you.

    Ty - Agreed. Tonight's BSG was awesome!

  5. I'm going to catch BSG first thing in the morning. TiVO has changed my life! I've been watching hurricane coverage, hoping someone -- anyone -- will be decapitated by a flying stop sign. It will happen. Someday, it will happen.

  6. Man, you find that thorn and just twist it don't 'cha! S'ok, I'm so over scott norwide and my bills letting me down.

    Heard a funny joke at the bar last sunday:

    How do you know that OJ was innocent, because the Bills don't stab, they choke... *rimshot*

    Yeah baby, i'm here all week, try the veal...

  7. He cancelled the Original Trek?!

    I thought it was Bush's idea to double park the large Doomsday neutronium skinned french creme horn of death outside the DNC convention, and not feed the meter. How can this be?

    And lone ranger (LOL), I would take anybody as well. But if it was Geraldo, I would be compelled to paste it as a frame-by-frame background image on my desktop.