Monday, September 26, 2005

Paging Fatty McButterpants

Okay, let's try this again.

A few months ago, I embarked on a quest to defeat my greatest foe: a Star Jones-esque waistline. Not content to simply be fat, I have gone the extra mile to achieve Homer Simpson status. "All my life I've been an obese man inside a fat man's body." It was getting so bad that I was sweating butter. Something had to be done.

So, I jumped on the Atkins bandwagon (which subsequently shattered). The first week was difficult, as I resorted to licking my television during Sonic commercials. (Why, oh why, aren't there any Sonic franchises in Philly?) After surviving Pez withdraw, it became much easier to pass on carbs, and believe it or not, the weight came off.

Editor's note: I want to stress that losing weight is difficult for those with will power. It is even more difficult for those with as much will power as Teddy Kennedy during Happy Hour. Simply stated, diet soda sucks, and potato chips have a svengali-like hold on my puny brain.

In the meantime, fourteen pounds got outta Dodge, and my muumuu was not as binding. Of course, fourteen pounds from my girth is a drop in the bucket of cheese fries. Mmm . . . cheese fries! What was I saying again? Oh, yeah, Atkins. The flubber came off, but I was feeling sick to my stomach, so I surrendered like a Frenchman. Expectedly, the fourteen pounds returned through no fault of my own. The burgers said if I don't eat them, I'd never see my family again. Like any good family man, I succumbed.

So, as of today, I'm back with the late Dr. Atkins. Playing ice hockey will help, and the missus picked up the necessary carb-free items from the market. Feel free to mock and humiliate me into staying on course. I need the help.


  1. Firsssst!

    I totally hear you! those loser skinny people have no clue! Or maybe the cheeseburgers only talk to us people! But I eat them long before they can say anything about my family!!

    And Sonic is Evil incarnate! And there are none here in Washington State either. And I think I am jonesing for a Long Coney dog and some Cheese Tots! with a side of Chedder Peppers! And a Route 44 Cherry Coke!!...

    Oops sorry we were supposed to help you with staying on track. Sorry I couldn't help myself. Bad Self! Bad self!

  2. Skinny people should be rounded up and, ..., eh... made to get fat!!!!

    How can anyone pass up Ollie's Trolly fries? It just can't be done.

  3. Wyatt,

    For a HEALTHIER choice, why not try Weight Watchers? I worked with a man who was chubby beyond belief. He went on WW and the weight melted off.

    I wish you the best of luck. It's no easy feat.

  4. Steve - Yeah. Food is yummy. Heh.

    GunnNutt - I'm with you and Steve - skinny people suck!

    Anon - I lost 30 pounds on Weight Watchers a few years ago, and that was my first choice, but I couldn't stay on it. I'm a weak, weak man. I'll try Atkins, and if it doesn't go well, I'll try and go back on WW. Now that the Riversharks season is over, I won't be tempted by ballpark food.

  5. You'd think it would be easy for republicans to be thin, concidering they mostly live on a diet of crow.

  6. I guess you just want what you can't have. I have always been disappointed by Sonic - yes, cheese tots are great, but their burgers are as tasteless as Mickey D's


  7. FWD - Funny, I don't remember being a Republican; primarily because it is suicide in the city of Philadelphia. (I might as well be a menber of the Green Party.) Don't judge a book by its cover. Yes, I do have conservative views, but I am, in fact, a registered Libertarian. (I also voted for Clinton in '92.) Sorry to disappoint. Thanks for stopping by!

    Mel - Great, now I'm depressed. Thanks for stopping by!

  8. Hang tough, friend.
    I've faith in your resolve.