Filthy Half-Truths About The CUG

"Fight's Commenced! Get to fightin' or get away!" - Wyatt Earp, Tombstone

Jimmy B, The CUG, decided that he would blow the tide of Filthy Lies to my insignificant little blog. Well, let not anyone say that I don’t also blow. Jimmy is obviously distraught that I continually beat him like a rented mule in contests across the blogosphere. That is understandable, since I am truly “The Lord Of Teh Funny.”

Of course, I am also The Lord Of The Vengeful Retribution. And Jimmy is my prey. I now give you “Filthy Half-Truths About The CUG.”

1. Although he calls himself The Conservative UAW Guy, Jimmy is actually an ultra-liberal, pimply-faced sixteen-year old girl, who works as a cashier in a Columbus Wal-Mart.

2. Jimmy has naked photos of Steven Seagal . . . during his fat years.

3. Although he continually posts the picture on the blog, Jimmy’s family actually ate that dog months ago. His justification: the auto industry isn’t what it used to be.

4. And speaking of the auto industry, Jimmy was the one responsible for those damned “Zoom, Zoom” commercials. And that boy with the big ears? That’s Jimmy’s illegitimate child.

5. Jimmy enjoys a good comedy just as much as the next person. Schindler’s List? Jimmy laughed his ass off.

6. Considering his blind faith in the Republican Party, Jimmy has been elected the new spokesman for Kool-Aid. Ohhh Yeaaahhh!

7. Jimmy was the inspiration for Private Pyle of Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket. It’s true; Jimmy can’t even do one push-up.

8. He’ll deny it, but Jimmy once called in a bomb threat to the Special Olympics.

9. Jimmy didn’t win any of the Best So Far Blog Awards, primarily because the butterfly ballots confused his puny Ohio brain. In actuality, Jimmy threw all of his votes to Pat Buchanan.

10. Despite his daily clumsy passes at Uber (and Dr. Phat Tony), Jimmy is happily married . . . to a Desert Eagle he affectionately calls, “Irene.”

Now, anybody else want some of this?