Love Is The Answer

. . . if the question is "What does Wyatt want to make with Keira Knightly?" Heh. Your questions have been considered, and your answers are forthcoming. Giddyup!

Rachel asks, "If the Philadelphia PD decided to replace all of its cruisers with Segways would you immediately consider a career change?"

Rachel, my department does not yet have a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy, but if Segways are in our future, someone better draw them up because as Eric Cartman would say, "They are hella-gay!" Besides, many cops on the force - including me - would definitely exceed the maximum weight limit for those dirty hippie mobiles.

RT asks, "Why is it that when it is raining (or worse) that NJ State Troopers do about 90 mph without a fish-tail to be seen, while if I tried to do it, I'd hydroplane (at least that's what the driver's manual says)?"

RT, manuel, schmanuel. The manuel also states that is hazardous to scratch yourself with a fountain pen while driving, but I do it anyway. Cops do 90 in the rain (and worse) simply because we can. Hell, it's like when civilians are in rental cars. We don't own these vehicles, so we choose to beat the hell out of them! Let the taxpayers pay for the repairs! Heh.

Randal Graves asks, "Why does Halle Berry act "black" all the time when she is actually mulatto? Why doesn't she act "white" half of the time? Oh, and she wasn't the first black woman to win an Oscar either; maybe the 1st half-black woman, but not the first black woman. I hate fake blackies . . . Halle, Oprah, Chris Tucker, Vanilla Ice."

Randal, the draft of her latest contract calls for her to act black in public, but white in private. The producers of X3 compromised on her costume: black uniform/white hair. If she is "acting black" all the time, I must be missing it, since Halle Berry makes Bryant Gumbel look like Flava Flav. And yes, I hate fake lackeys, too. Waylon Smithers is a great example: attending to Mr. Burns' every whim at work, then bad-mouthing him at home. How phony.

Tyler D asks, "Is it always sunny in Philadelphia?"

Tyler, no it is not, but any program that comes straight from the hippie IFC Network must be full of crap anyway. This show is sure to follow in the proud tradition of Philly-based programs such as Ryan Caulfield: Year One, Philly, and Hack. I give it a week on FX before the hippie actors start saying that George Bush killed Lemonhead.

Anonymous asks, "Will the Phillies win the World Series this year, or will they suffer the dreaded Philly curse where NO sports team besides the Phantoms (a few years back) have done squat?"

Anon, if that IS your real name, SYLG has a better chance of being linked by Michelle Malkin or Hugh Hewitt than the Phils have at a World Series. Like most Philly teams, every year is THE year. And, like all Philly teams, every year is one without a title.

Sidebar: The story behind William Penn's Curse goes as follows: For years, it was an unwritten rule that no building in Philadelphia would be erected higher than the statue of William Penn (atop City Hall). In 1987, developer Willard Rouse built the mammoth One Liberty Place. Since then, none of the four major pro teams have won diddly. The entire story is here.

Peakah asks, "How in the world did the lil ole Sabres knock the mighty Flyers outta the playoffs this year?"

Peak, see the above Curse. Actually, Karl Rove is not a Flyers fan. As a result, he used CIA satellites to broadcast beams of light into the Flyers' goaltenders eyes, just as the Sabres were shooting. This is the only explanation, because it wouldn't have anything to do with GM Bobby Clarke's ineptitude! (Hey, that's two posts in a row where I used "ineptitude!")

Vincent Antonelli asks, "Did the girl at the bar in the skin tight jeans at HHGR have panties on underneath? I'm still debating that one."

Vinnie, I thought you were mass-debating that one. Unfortunately, I forgot to pack my Panty Detector that weekend, but since I have it here, I can give it a test run. Hmm . . . it seems that the girl was wearing panties . . . but the girl next to her was not . . . and for some reason, Deathlok is wearing some right now!

The Anti-Hippie asks, "So, Mein Commandant, did you get Hitler too? In reference to this quiz."

Anti-Hippie, I wish! So few people call me a Nazi anymore. Alas, I got stuck with Saddam Hussein; a brutal dictator that murdered thousands of his own people. Although he is a handsome devil . . . To celebrate, I grew a bushy 'stache and started shooting my shotgun in the air. The police are enroute as I type.

Grimjack asks, "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, do the other trees laugh?"

Grim, probably not, since the tree's friends wouldn't be pricks like we are to each other. If the tree were me, not only would you guys laugh, you would probably also toast marshmallows with my limbs.

Linda asks, "Is your inner child potty-trained?"

Linda, cripes, I hope so! Otherwise, I would be drowning in my own pee!