Answer Me This, Caped Crusader

After ninety-nine sleepless hours, I have finally answered all of your questions. And by “answered,” I mean completely side-stepped your questions for the sake of attempted funny. In fairness to LMC, her question seemed serious, so I’ll truthfully answer that one this week. Until then, please bask in the warming glow of my wisdom.

Jimmy B the CUG asks, “Aren’t my happiness and feelings of self-worth more important than your being able to filter asshats?”

After careful consideration, I have chosen unfiltered asshats. Although they pose a greater risk of cancer, they move more nicotine into my system. I am now in flavor country.

Jimmy B the CUG then asks, “Am I FIRST?”

Yes, you are the first jerkass other than Ssssteve to ask if they are FIRST! No offense, Ssssteve.

Jimmy B the CUG then asks, “WTF happened to the comment moderation?”

Benjamin Franklin talked about moderation all of the time, and not once did he mention what a pain in the ass it was to check and approve every single comment on his personal computer. Besides, this was not what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet.

Ssssteve asks, “If a car left Philly at 8pm on Friday and arrived in Salem, Oregon at 12 noon on the following Sunday, then the transmission went out the following Tuesday, would that car then be considered a bad buy if purchased on that Friday?”

Let me answer your question with a question. If someone’s brother conned him into flying across the continental United States into America’s cesspool (Philadelphia) to pick up a “classic” car (a mid-90’s Oldsmobile Cutlass), forced him into an unwanted dinner with a fat, unfunny, dim-witted blogger (and Fitch), then kidnapped him for a non-stop cross country drive back to Sasquatch-ville . . . Sorry, I forgot where I was going with this.

John D asks, “Is that a picture of Helen Thomas, or is it the 2005 winner of the scariest contest of the Philadelphia PD’s Halloween party?”

Neither. It is The Man from GOP and the City.

RT asks, “Cross-dressing again, Wyatt?”

Why the hell not? I have the legs for it!

The Anti-Hippie asks, “Wyatt is that the day you forgot your makeup?”

Have you seen some of the pictures I have posted of myself here? That was me on a good day!

Lillian asks, “Would you rather swap spit with Helen Thomas or Hillary Clinton? BTW, I’m talking major tonsil hockey!!!”

Helen Thomas, no question. She’s got a great ass! Imagine what distinguished men I would join: John Wilkes Booth, John Quincy Adams, Genghis Khan . . . The only other person who ever swapped spit with The Hill-debeast is her cat Socks. Of course, I got cut from the Tonsil Hockey team in high school, so . . .

Tyler D asks, “I would love to know whose arm Big Cuz snapped off.”

Just watch the next episode of Viva la Bam and look for the idiot trying to create the sound of one hand clapping.

Fmragtops asks, “Why is it so frikkin’ hard to put some kind of warning label on photos of Helen Thomas? We have labels on cigarettes, beer, and video games. Is a Helen Thomas photo warning label too much to ask for? I mean something like, “Warning: This post contains images of Helen Thomas which have been clinically proven to cause erectile dysfunction.”

I know. There really ought to be a law. Please accept this photo as an apology:

Bug Cuz asks, “Wyatt, recently I filled out an online survey my friends sent me. A question on the survey was: ‘Have you ever kissed a member opposite sex.’ All gay jokes aside for a moment, I started to wonder, ‘How would a hermaphrodite answer this question?’ So, Wyatt, I pose this question to you.”

Cripes, you make one film called “The Best of Both Worlds” and you’re labeled for life!

Little Miss Chatterbox asks, “What made you want to be a policeman?”

I blame every single girl from Archbishop Ryan High School that wouldn’t go out with me. But I’ll get my revenge. Oh, yes, I will get my revenge.

Peakah asks, “Who do I knock off to get a spot in one of your golf foursomes?”

Let’s see: The Badger is the best golfer in the group, but he is also the only single guy. Thus, he is untouchable because we all live vicariously through his gorgeous girlfriends. Vinnie has liberal tendencies, but he also has a Beer Meister stocked with ice cold Guinness in his basement, so he’s out. Fish is a Penn State grad, but he also let me marry his sister, so I guess taking him out would be bad form. Actually, the only member of the foursome who is completely worthless is me, so I’ll send you my address. Make it quick.

RT asks, “UFC or WWE?”

XXX! Actually, like Fmragtops, I grew up watching wrestling. I was really into it years ago when Degeneration X was around, so imagine my surprise and delight when they brought them back. UFC is a whole other animal, but it’s much less faked, so I’ll take them.

SK asks, "Do you think Helen Thomas could get any uglier? Is she really still alive?"

Of course she could get uglier. She could pose nude for Playboy. And here's a little known fact: Thomas died 3,000 years ago, but Rick O'Connell and Evelyn Carnahan accidentally brought her back to life.