Tin Cop

So, yesterday afternoon I went golfing with Badger, Fish, and Vinnie at Middletown Country Club. It was a hot one in Bucks County yesterday, with temperatures in the 90's and humidity that would friz even the most well-maintained coif. Thankfully, we are all highly conditioned athletes, and Vinnie brought a Thermos full of Guinness!

The round started off as usual, with me gunning for the course record. My scores through the first three holes were 8, 8, and 6. Swell. Thanks to a few penalty strokes on Holes Four and Five, I shot an 11 and a 10 respectively. Crap.

Then, for some reason, I caught fire. On the next six holes I shot a 5, 6, 3 (Par), 6, 3 (Par), and 4 (Par). I had a 70 with seven holes to go. I thought, "If I could keep this up . . . " Unfortunately, reality soon set in. After slogging my way through the back nine with a 6, 7, 5, 8, and an 8, I came to the 17th hole.

The 17th is a 246-yard par four over water. The pond is approximately 100 yards from the tee, so any halfway decent shot will not go for a swim. I pulled out my five wood, teed up, and swung. The shot went out on a high arc, with little distance. Somewhere from behind, Badger was giggling and saying, "Water." The ball fell down and into the briny deep. Damnit!

I drove in front of the pond with Vinnie, took out a ball and my five iron. I dropped from behind the pond into some fairly thick rough. I lined up the shot, swung, and splash! The ball went maybe ten feet and dropped into the pond . . . again. Now, I'm looking at my fifth shot, and I'm about 146 yards from the pin. I drop again, and line up with my five iron. Vinnie, like Cheech Marin in Tin Cup, is begging for me to use a different club. I look at him, and say, "Nah, I can make this." I line up, take a swing, and splash! Wet again.

By now, Fish and Badger are doubled over in laughter in their cart. Vinnie is shaking his head. I am pissed. I tell Vinnie, "Gimme another ball." Vinnie says, "Dude, just drop on the other side of the pond." I shoot back, "No! I can make this!" At this point, I just want to prove that I can get it over the pond. I keep the five iron, take a swing, and splash!

Now, Badger, Fish, and Vinnie are wetting themselves with laughter. Unfortunately for my game, I am also laughing. I take Vinnie's advice and drop on the other side of the pond - primarily because I am running out of golf balls. After my drop, I am hitting nine. The rest of the hole is a blur, but I ended up with a 13. A THIRTEEN! Vinnie said that he would just write down a ten, but I warned him not to. Hell, I earned that thirteen!

I finished the round of death with an 8 on the 18th, earning me a total score of 124. The worst round I have had in a decade.

Eh, it's better than being at work, I suppose.

Gimme another damned ball, Vinnie!