Blogging For Dummies

Recently, it has occurred to me that I've had a hand in the creation of quite a few blogs. By my count, The Deep End, First With Flair, Grim Musings, Pay Heed To The Geek, Public Pondering, and The Temerity of High Maintenance were all helped along by my meaty shoving hands. I take no credit - or blame - for their creation, but it got me thinking, "Hey, I should post a self-help guide for new bloggers." The short version is enclosed below: five easy rules to help you become a blog superstar! This will be my gift to humanity. Enjoy!

Obtain A Catchy Blog Name.

When signing up at Blogger, they ask you to name your blog. The creation of a Catchy Blog Name is of the utmost importance! No one will want to read a blog entitled "Painful Rectal Itch" or "Stuff I Picked Out Of My Ears." You need something with pizazz, like the title of a truly awful James Garner/Suzanne Pleshette film.

Use A Gimmick.

Every blogger needs a gimmick to call their own. That certain something that keeps the rubes, er, dear readers, coming back. Make it a weekly event, like a Caption Contest or a Show Me Your Cans Day. You know, get the readers involved.

Catch Phrases Are Crucial.

Like The Tick's battle cry of "Spoon!," every blog needs a catch phrase. Fmragtops calls stupid people "Motherf**kers." I prefer to call folks "Asshats." Find something that fits your style and go with it. Be creative.

WWPHD? What Would Paris Hilton Do?

What Would Paris Hilton Do? She would hump every reader that visits your new blog. But, she would also whore like nobody's business. Send e-mails to your friends about your new venture. Spray paint your url on highway billboards. Hell, you can even sponsor terrorism. "This bombing as brought to you by FIAR."

Finally, Give The People What They Want.

In my case, people want fresh, funny posts all the time. Thankfully, their wishes mean nothing to me. As a new blogger, you need to check out your core demographic - in Big White Hat's case, it would be gun-toting, death penalty supporting, beer swilling grandmothers over ninety-five - and seize upon it. If you get comments demanding naked pictures of Bea Arthur, oblige them. If you get requests for nuclear power plant blueprints, post them. If you get someone that's a fan of SYLG, ban them.

See how easy it is? So, come one, come all! If I can do it, a three-year old chimpanzee can.