SYLG's Official Endorsements

Tomorrow is Election Day. And since many of you look to me as a beacon of truth - or bulls**t, whichever comes first - I figured I would publish my 2006 endorsements. With my political backing, these candidates are guaranteed winners! (Not a guarantee.)

Governor of Pennsylvania - Lynn Swann (R). Okay, so he has as much a chance of winning as I do of becoming a Chippendale, but incumbent scumbag Ed Rendell has shown nothing but contempt for the police officers and firefighters of my hometown since the early 90's. Swann's very big on tax cuts, while Fat Eddie was too busy rubber stamping pay raises for members of the PA legislature. Succintly put, I'd endorse Saddam Hussein over Ed Rendell.

U.S. Senator (PA) - Rick Santorum (R). The Philadelphia Fraternal Order of Police endorsed Bob "I'm running for my sixth office in seven years" Casey, but they also endorsed only seven Republicans out of thirty races. If that doesn't show how much the Philly FOP is out of touch with its membership, I don't know what would. Santorum is pro-life (which attracts the father of two in me), wants to send illegal immigrants back home (while Casey wants to let them earn Social Security - on your dime), and has raised more awareness about AIDS research than any other sitting senator. Plus, a third-term senator would have much more political power than a rookie. Power = More for the people of Pennsylvania.

U.S. Congress (13th Congressional District, PA) - Raj Peter Bhakta (R). Raj was once on The Apprentice. I couldn't care less. What I do care about - especially after my Arizona trip - is securing the borders. This may be Raj's most important platform. Cripes, the guy crossed the Rio Grande with elephants and a Mariachi band, and the Border Patrol didn't even notice! He gets bonus points from me for allegedly calling his opponent (Rendell lap dog Allyson Schwartz) a "bitch." He denied it, but the funny thing is that he wasn't far off. I met Schwartz once, and she couldn't be less personable. Of course, it wasn't an election year, so . . .

U.S. Senator (NY/CT) - Jack Bauer (I). What? You didn't think I'd forget about our Blogs4Bauer front-runner, did you? Check out his latest commercial here.

All kidding aside, thousands of Americans died to protect your freedoms. To stay home tomorrow is a slap in the face to their memories. No matter what side of the political fence you find yourself, vote.