Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Wyatt Para Presidente!

News reports out of Cuba are claiming that Fidel Castro is near death. The line of succession in this communist stronghold is unclear. Therefore, I am officially throwing my beret into the ring. I, Wyatt Earp, am officially announcing my candidacy for El Presidente and Supreme Cuban Dictator.

My platforms are simple, yet revolutionary. First, as El Presidente, I promise to make the Cuban Navy the most formidable in the Caribbean. My people will be driven like cattle in an effort to build the country’s first battleship; the C.R. Tony Montana. This sole warship will make Cuba the greatest military force in the Caribbean area.

Second, as El Presidente, I will conduct a policy of open trade with our American brothers to the north. As a gesture of goodwill, my lickspittles will hand deliver a case of Cuban cigars to the United States’ greatest icon: Cosmo Kramer. And let’s face facts; when Kramer is happy, America is happy.

Third, as El Presidente, I will strive to make Communism popular again. My target audience will include students from bleeding-heart liberal colleges, such as U.C. Berkeley and Orange Coast College. While one half of my people will be slaving over the C.R. Tony Montana, the other half will be mass-producing posters of Che Guevara, olive drab faux uniforms, and black berets. I hear this ensemble is all the rage in America.

Finally, as El Presidente, I will rule with an iron fist. Those who question my “authoritah” will be disciplined and disciplined severely. And while we’re at it, since I think baseball sucks ass, the national pastime of Cuba will immediately be changed to lacrosse, and the U.S. Naval base at Guantanamo Bay will be charged a “luxury tax” for the utilization of prime beachfront property. I mean, what kind of Presidente doesn’t tax the hell out of his guests, right? Viva Cuba! Viva El Presidente!

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