All I Want For Christmas

Despite what people think, I am not a very needy guy. If Santa leaves a few gifts and trinkets under the tree, I'll be fine. However, it is always nice to dream, so here are a few things this gunfighter would like to see on Christmas Day.

* A tied-up, duct-taped, and gagged Miss USA Tara Connor; preferably stuffed inside The Donald's basement. The last thing the holiday season needs is another whiny, bubble-headed bimbo who keeps putting her foot in her mouth. Now, if she wants to put her foot in my mouth, well . . . I've said too much.

* An increased troop presence in Iraq. And by that I mean I'd like to see President Bush send over 200,000 men by January 1. If you want to win this war, then frakkin' win it! Stop pussy-footing around!

* Ten more area casinos to go with our jackass governor's plan to add two in Philadelphia. Ya gotta love a governor who hears about the lowest-rated area to build a casino in the city . . . then declares he will place one there. Don't blame me, I voted for Lynn Swann. (And I'll bet the hippies in Queen Village wished they did right about now, too.)

* A Philadelphia Flyers team that: 1. doesn't suck; 2. can pick up players that don't suck; 3. doesn't make me feel sorry for them because they suck.

* A Philadelphia Eagles team that misses the playoffs. This team is not very good, but if they make the playoffs, all of the jerkass Eagles fans will start screaming "Super Bowl, Baby!" The best thing that can happen to this team is to miss the postseason. Then, they can re-tool.

* Jill Wagner from Blade: The Series. Just because.