And Now, An Important Message From Jack Bauer

Hello, my name is Jack Bauer, and I am a federal agent with the Counter Terrorist Unit, or CTU. Recently, I spent two years being tortured in a Chinese prison, watched helplessly as Islamic terrorists detonated a nuclear device over Los Angeles, and learned that my true love died while trying to save me. While these incidents have been traumatic, I am here to alert you to an even more frightening event; the sale of Anna Nicole Smiths' diaries.

Imagine my consternation when I read this blurb at Yahoo! News:

The late Playboy model's handwritten 1992 diary was sold for $282,500 and her 1994 diary went for $230,000 in an eBay auction Thursday, plus a 20 percent buyer's premium.

Certainly, someone that has done as much for this country as Ms. Smith deserves better. Her diaries belong in The Smithsonian, alongside such great American works as The Emancipation Proclamation and the original copy of RUN DMC's masterpiece "King of Rock." As a matter of fact, the $500,000 purchase price for such priceless items is an insult: I would have paid thrice that amount.

In case you haven't caught on by now, I am being completely sarcastic here.

Let me tell you what I really think about this non-story. Anna Nicole Smith became famous because she showed her cooter to the world for money! This woman is not an American icon. this woman is not a role model. This woman had little to no moral courage. At least Nina Myers kept her clothes on for her queen's ransom.

The members of CTU Los Angeles are putting our asses on the line every day for this country. We bleed, we die, we turn on each other like a bunch of high school girls, and for what? To be upstaged by some empty-headed bimbo who wrote her diary in Crayola??? I don't think so. If I want to see about mindless idiots writing mindless thoughts, I would be watching the Democrats pontificate on C-SPAN.

We don't have time to care about Anna Nicole Smith's diaries, damnit!!!

(Cross-posted at Blogs4Bauer)