Stay Tuned For An Important Political Message

Good morning. My name is Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton, and I am running for the Democratic nomination of President of the United States. Recently, some radical muckrakers uncovered my Wellesley College senior thesis - Go Shrews! Beat Bryn Mawr! - something my husband assured me was locked away with his testicles. Suffice to say, the release of my term paper did not please me, and the corridors of my office will be slathered in blood.

Some right wing moonbats are making a stink about the topic of my thesis; alleged radical socialist Saul D. Alinsky. I can assure you, Mr. Alinsky was no more radical than George Soros or Ward Churchill. Saul simply believed that the ends justified the means in any and every situation. If killing innocent babies and drinking their precious blood would help people to vote Democrat, than so be it.

As I mentioned in my thesis, Mr. Alinsky had an "exceptional charm." I can still remember the Thanksgiving in 1965 when he dressed up like a turkey and murdered an orphan dressed as Miles Standish. Good times.

Anyway, the release of my thesis is hardly newsworthy, which is why I had Bill lock it away during my, er, his Presidency. The last thing we needed was some of our most fervent supporters reading it and *gasp* thinking for themselves. Thinking. That's what your government is for!

Besides, if I wanted to ban something from my Wellesley days, it would have been this college photo. That's me; young, attractive, smiling, and no cankles! Hardly the impression I want to give to the voters of this country. Free Huey!