I Got Yer Answers Right Here!

And it won't even cost you two dollars! You folks submitted some terrific questions this time around. I only hope I can match them with witty answers. And, if not, ya get whatcha pay for, right? Here we go.

RFTR asks, "What'd you bribe your wife with in order to get her to marry you?"

RFTR, get bent! My wife married me for love, and I was (and still am) a terrific catch! Okay, between you and me, I promised her a stipend of $5,000 a month, a brand new BMW convertible every three years, and a piece of jewelry for every five pounds I gain after the wedding ceremony. God, am I taking a beating on that one!

The Man asks, "Has anyone been shot in Philly today?"

TM, that's like asking if anyone illegally crossed the border today. Of course, someone has been shot! If we're at 150 homicides, we are up to at least 300 shootings already. And you think New York is so tough. Pish posh!

Pandy asks, "Should I use a shock collar or a cattle prod when I start training Sparky? (My methods thus far have been totally ineffective, and I must stop short of permanently damaging him, of course.)"

Pandy, I would suggest the starting off with a sack of oranges, then easing into the Chinese throwing stars, and finishing up with the ever-popular cat o' nine tails. If these are not effective, then I would turn to drastic measures: naked pictures of Helen Thomas.

Captain America asks, "Now that I have your lawn mower and TV can your wife be far behind??? Like I need another one of those . . . By the way how's your car running?"

Captain, what was that about my wife's behind? Actually, when I gave them to you, the lawn mower was old and didn't work, and the TV was old and didn't work. Actually, my wife . . . Oh no, I'm not falling into that trap!

RT asks, "Must you draw pictures of me on the board? You can erase it now or after school. It's your choice." She then asks, "Cheetos or Jax?"

RT, that picture is not one of you. It was my attempt to capture Leah Remini after her pregnancy. Cripes, did she get fat! Actually, it is a still from Better Off Dead with John Cusack. And with all due respect to Chester Cheetah, Bachman's Jax is the best cheese curl on the market today. (Mr. Bachman, please send all payments to this blog care of Wyatt Earp.)

Big White Hat asks, "Any shootouts lately?"

BWH, yeah, I pimped out a couple of blogs, and said hi to some of my homies on the corner. I even dedicated a song to my peeps back in the hood. Oh, did you say "shootouts?" I thought you said "shout outs." My bad. The answer to your question then is, um, no.

Fmragtops asks, "Why does my Fantasy Baseball team suck dead wildebeest ass?"

Fm, it may have something to do with the fact that you lost your baseball prowess when you wussed out, quit your blog, and got engaged. It may have something to do with the fact that all of that Louisiana Hot Sauce is melting your brain functions. I don't know; I'm not a doctor. What I do know is that your team's record is currently 33-41-4, which is similar to my dating record in high school. Damn.

FIAR asks, "When will I finally be coronated as the Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty Despot of the Universe?"

Fitch, I hate to be the one to inform you, but I think that title currently belongs to George W. Bush. At least that's what the good people at MoveOn.org keep saying. But chin up, I hear you are the front-runner for The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight. Good luck!

Nomoretreehugginhippiecrap asks, "I thought the question must be where did my willie go?"

NMTHHC, this is a family blog! If you're looking for help in finding your willie, don't ask me!!!

Bobby asks, "I bent my Wookie. Do have another?"

Bobby, are you and NMTHHC having the same problem? Actually, I have a spare Wookie, but I'll only part with him for three stormtroopers, two Boba Fetts, and a Princess Leia. You know, to stare at. Deal?