An Important Message From "America's Mayor"

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is John Street, and I am the mayor of Philadelphia - the safest city in America!

What's that? Did I hear you scoff at my claim? It's true, I tell you. Sure, we have had a few - 234 to be exact - bumps in our Road to Safety, but like I always say, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

While I admit that the city's murder rate has been slowly increasing, I have been working tirelessly to improve the quality of life for the citizens of this great metropolis. My progressive initiatives include "Take Your Ballistic Vest to Work Day," "Armored Car Pool Fridays," and my favorite: "Subliminal Building Advertising."

With the SBA Plan,we will eliminate the city's homicide rate in one fell swoop. And we will do it in only one calendar year. Preposterous, you say? I disagree. In a truly original idea, I will be strategically placing billboards all across the city. These billboards, like the prototypes on the right, will pummel our most violent citizens with peaceful messages, such as the following:

• "Love one another."
• "Guns are bad, Mmm-kay?"
• "Shoot pool, not guns."
  

Brilliant, no? It is my belief that the effects of the SBA Plan will show immediate results in our poorer communities, and it may even encourage the law enforcement community to throw down their arms. If these trends continue, Philadelphia will be a safe haven, nay, a Utopia, for all the peoples of the world. And I will, deservedly, receive all of the credit!

And how do I expect to pay for all of this? Easy. We will be laying off 500 Philadelphia Police Officers immediately. Good night, and good luck!