People I Hate

It's a terrific Thursday morning in Philadelphia. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and bees are trying to have sex with them . . . as is my understanding. What better forum for this week's edition of People I Hate?

Britney Spears

The poster girl for White Trash Monthly is at it again. And this time, she's pissing off others in the entertainment world, namely, OK! Magazine:

NEW YORK - Britney Spears sat back and watched as her Yorkshire terrier puppy pooped on a $6,700 designer gown at a photo shoot for OK! magazine.

Spears also wiped grease on a designer dress, treating it like "a napkin," took frequent trips to the bathroom " leaving the door open " and complained that the high-end clothing put together for the July 19 fashion shoot weren't sexy, short or tight enough, the magazine said.

After about three hours, the 25-year-old singer bolted, walking away with more than $14,000 of borrowed apparel, Ivens said. (H/T - Yahoo!)

So let's see. Pooping on your dress? Check. Using said dress for a napkin to wipe up fried chicken grease? Check. Taking a dump in full view of everyone? Check. Stealing $14,000 worth of gaudy clothes? Check. Congratulations, Brit, you just embarrassed yourself more colorfully than Lindsay Lohan. Idiot.

Idiot Callers

Picture this little scenario. You're working in the busiest detective division in one of the most crime-riddled (and bullet-riddled) cities in America. The jobs keep rolling in, and the phone is ringing off the hook with legitimate inquiries.

And then it happens.

"Detective Division, may I help you?"
"Yeah, someone called my phone."

"Okay, which detective called you?"
"I don't know. This number was just on my caller ID."

"There wasn't a message?"
"No. Now, who called me?"

It's about here that your head explodes. For some bizarre reason, the morons who breathe air in my division cannot rest until they know the origin of every phone call they have ever received since birth. Maybe it was a wrong number. Maybe the detective was unable to leave a message. Or, better yet, MAYBE THE DETECTIVE WILL CALL BACK AFTER HE ANSWERS 100 OF THESE INANE PHONE CALLS!

Lindsay Lohan

Yeah, I know I already have trailer trash in this week's post, but I had to include Drunky LaRue. Why? Because she is so used to criminality, that she's taking excuses right out of the Toad Handbook. Lindsay said (and I quote):

"Yes. I am innocent . . . did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."

"They're not mine." Uh-huh. Even if you were a decent actress I wouldn't believe that tripe. Ass.

Michael Vick

If Atlanta football fans don't shun this piece of detritus, they should be ashamed of themselves. Vick is facing federal dogfighting charges - in my opinion, the punishment for a guilty verdict should be death - but according to a friend, he doesn't see the what all the hubbub's about.

"I wouldn't say he's delusional about the problem, but I don't think he sees it as being as big a deal as everybody else," the associate said. "He thinks it's going to blow over eventually … He doesn't know how deep this goes."

Please God, let his jury - hopefully comprised of a dozen talking dogs - read this statement before his trial.