Mayor Squidward Wants To Fix Philly's "Inferiority Complex"

Oh, swell. Perhaps he should get elected first, huh?

PHILADELPHIA (AP) ― Michael Nutter has learned something in more than a year of campaigning for mayor: Philadelphia is a dirty place and its people suffer quite an inferiority complex.

Government efforts to cut down on the city's homicide rate, get more residents off welfare and attract business must start with an attitude change by city residents, Nutter said in an interview with The Associated Press on Monday.

Nutter, 50, a Democrat who is the overwhelming favorite in the Nov. 6 election, said one of the first things he will do if elected is call for a citywide cleanup.

"The place is a filthy mess, it says a lot about us and about our attitude toward each other," he said, noting all the rubbish he sees on the street. "You really want to say, 'Yo, who you think's going to pick that up? I mean your mother's not walking down the street here." (H/T - CBS3)

Picking up the trash? Wow, that is outside-the-box thinking. Personally, I would hire more police officers and firefighters first, but I guess I am just old school. Our current mayor, the despicable and corrupt John Street, announced a plan to rid the streets of the abandoned autos in his first month in office. The thugs kept killing each other in record numbers, but at least our streets were clear!

Look, running this city is not a difficult task . . . as long as you prioritize. If I were elected mayor, my five-step plan would improve this burg in a matter of weeks. To wit:

1. Establish "nudie bars" in every high-crime area. People can't kill innocent bystanders if they're too busy looking at boobies.
2. Idea to eliminate garbage: edible paper. You see, you eat it, it's gone. Eat it, it's out of there!
3. Employ the homeless . . . as meter maids. What better way to stop illegal parking than having a homeless guy pee into your convertible?
4. Snipers in every arena. Not only would it eradicate a fan's boorish behavior, but it would also eliminate sub par play. Let's see how many times Donovan McNabb throws at a receiver's feet now!
5. And finally, forget car pool lanes; I'm introducing NASCAR lanes. If someone is a little slow during rush hour, you are now permitted to "rub him" out of your way. You'll never be late for work again!