Where Is Frank Pembleton When We Need Him?

They say confession is good for the soul. In my line of work, it is also good for your clearance rate. Most detectives in my division do not interview or interrogate everyone that walks through our doors, but many jobs just demand it. Last night was one of those nights.

We had been busy since the start of the shift. A cool, breezy Tuesday in Philadelphia is conducive to outdoor fun, which, in turn, is conducive to crime. And on this wind-swept afternoon, crime was the soupe du jour.

Apparently, a local teenage girl was having soup cravings.

While the girl was riding on a bus through the neighborhood, she became embroiled in an argument with a teenage boy. The argument soon got out of control, and the girl stabbed the boy in the chest. The girl fled the scene, and was soon arrested by police and identified as the doer by many witnesses. The weapon was also recovered. Immediately thereafter, the girl was brought to our division.

The assigned detective interviewed the victim at the hospital, while another detective interviewed the witnesses to the assault. When the assigned returned from the hospital, he was met by the girl's grandfather, a seemingly decent man who was appalled by the girl's actions. In order to interview or interrogate a juvenile, we must have a parent or guardian present. The grandfather summoned the girl's parents, who arrived at the division quickly.

Sensing that a confession would be forthcoming, the assigned detective brought the juvenile upstairs. She was cuffed to the chair, and her parents were brought in to witness the interrogation. The parents were informed that they were not allowed to speak during the interrogation, and they complied.

The detective then read the girl's Miranda Warnings to her and her parents. When the girl and her parents were asked, "Do you wish to remain silent?," the girl's father immediately said, "Yes. She's not saying anything."

End of interview.

The assigned detective looked at the girl's parents in disbelief. After stating that they would cooperate fully in the investigation, and were interested in hearing their daughter's side of the story, they immediately reneged. The detective escorted the parents out of the squad room, and stopped them in the hallway.

The assigned asked, "Why would you waste everyone's time like that if you weren't going to let me hear her side of the story?"

"Because," the girl's father said, "we just wanted to see her."

This teenage girl was just seen committing attempted murder on a crowded SEPTA bus, and her parents were treating the incident like it was a joke. This, my friends, is why the homicide rate is skyrocketing in my hometown.